Aa
Change
Some of my habits and the way I deal with people bothers my fiance, we've had many discussions and arguments and I really wanted him to accept me the way I am, but it seems impossible.
I realized that maybe sometimes you do have to change if the person and the relationship are worth it. I told him I would change and to give me time cause I won't change over night.
For two months I managed to avoid everything that bothers him, but I slipped up once. When he found out, he completely disregarded my efforts and questioned my love, loyalty and devotion to him.
I got very frustrated and after an emotional outburst, he told me not to change anymore and that he will change. I asked him how, and he said that he will act the same way I do. I don't know what that means, but it made me feel like a bad person; even though I haven't done anything wrong.
My questions is, what's the best way to deal with this? I'm scared of losing him and scared that he will start looking down on me as if I've done something shameful even though I gave up my family, friends and future plans for him.
I realized that maybe sometimes you do have to change if the person and the relationship are worth it. I told him I would change and to give me time cause I won't change over night.
For two months I managed to avoid everything that bothers him, but I slipped up once. When he found out, he completely disregarded my efforts and questioned my love, loyalty and devotion to him.
I got very frustrated and after an emotional outburst, he told me not to change anymore and that he will change. I asked him how, and he said that he will act the same way I do. I don't know what that means, but it made me feel like a bad person; even though I haven't done anything wrong.
My questions is, what's the best way to deal with this? I'm scared of losing him and scared that he will start looking down on me as if I've done something shameful even though I gave up my family, friends and future plans for him.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Respect,
This gives us more to work on.
It's a “gray area,” all right! Niceness itself isn't the issue. It's the feeling-tone of the communication. Some people can be involved with the opposite sex and the relationship is never sexualized, and therefore never a threat to the boyfriend or spouse. Others flirt unconsciously with every look and breath, or for whatever reason are so attractive that they're hit on constantly. And I'm sure you understand that men online and off are often “trolling," sometimes consciously, sometimes not.
The first thing is for you to figure out which category you are in. Do this not only by self-observation, but also by asking people around you. Be careful not to just ask close friends, as they often tell us what they think we want to hear. Is your relationship otherwise genuinely secure? Do you really know your boundaries? If “flirting” turns out to be an issue, YOU have got some work to do.
If it isn't, perhaps HE has a personal problem, with jealousy and/or trust. If so, he needs to address it, again, either by personal observation or by feedback from others, maybe even by a quick consult with a professional . If he has external proof that your sociality isn't flirting, and that you are not in fact endangering yourself online or elsewhere, perhaps he’ll begin to understand that he has to adjust his view of reality or acknowledge some unfinished personal business.
As to his charge that you waste your time on “silly” socializing, only you on reflection can judge if he has a point. If he does, then ask yourself what you might be looking for in the constant reaching out.
All this has to be sorted out over time. Under stress, everyone will tend to revert to their previous positions. When he does, call "time", and go back to the facts as they've been established so far. Then agree what the next step is to answer the next question, or clarify a reality that's being disputed.
It's all about gradually seeing what's real, and, if one or both of you have a problem with that, asking “why?” and then going on to answer the question in personal terms.
Regards,
-- Dr. P.
This gives us more to work on.
It's a “gray area,” all right! Niceness itself isn't the issue. It's the feeling-tone of the communication. Some people can be involved with the opposite sex and the relationship is never sexualized, and therefore never a threat to the boyfriend or spouse. Others flirt unconsciously with every look and breath, or for whatever reason are so attractive that they're hit on constantly. And I'm sure you understand that men online and off are often “trolling," sometimes consciously, sometimes not.
The first thing is for you to figure out which category you are in. Do this not only by self-observation, but also by asking people around you. Be careful not to just ask close friends, as they often tell us what they think we want to hear. Is your relationship otherwise genuinely secure? Do you really know your boundaries? If “flirting” turns out to be an issue, YOU have got some work to do.
If it isn't, perhaps HE has a personal problem, with jealousy and/or trust. If so, he needs to address it, again, either by personal observation or by feedback from others, maybe even by a quick consult with a professional . If he has external proof that your sociality isn't flirting, and that you are not in fact endangering yourself online or elsewhere, perhaps he’ll begin to understand that he has to adjust his view of reality or acknowledge some unfinished personal business.
As to his charge that you waste your time on “silly” socializing, only you on reflection can judge if he has a point. If he does, then ask yourself what you might be looking for in the constant reaching out.
All this has to be sorted out over time. Under stress, everyone will tend to revert to their previous positions. When he does, call "time", and go back to the facts as they've been established so far. Then agree what the next step is to answer the next question, or clarify a reality that's being disputed.
It's all about gradually seeing what's real, and, if one or both of you have a problem with that, asking “why?” and then going on to answer the question in personal terms.
Regards,
-- Dr. P.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Respect,
Hard to advise you without knowing what happened, and what you want to change, but I'll try!
In situations like this, I often discuss with people the Reasonable Behavior Standard (yes, I made it up!)
There are many variations in behavior, but if the behavior is "off the charts" and so far out that it doesn't work for most people in their social network or our society, then it's up to the person to modify their behavior.
If you're not sure whether your behavior meets this test, ask a number of people, NOT just close friends. If it doesn't, then make a good faith effort. You're right, it will take time. And you'll goof sometimes. Your boyfriend has to take that into account.
Since we don't know the specifics of the problem, it's hard to know whether the idea of him changing makes any sense.
Also, is your boyfriend absolutely independent of the problems you refer to, or is he complicit or involved in some other way? If so, you'll have to take that into account and deal with it as a couple.
If your "slippage" was sexual in nature, then that will have to be dealt with as an issue in and of itself. The same rules as above will obtain, but there will be more complexity and consequences.
If you simply can't change the behavior, you'll need a consult to figure out where it's from, and what the best approach is. Sometimes we're playing out old scenarios or behaviors from early in life, and they can persist!
Regards,
-- Dr. P.
Hard to advise you without knowing what happened, and what you want to change, but I'll try!
In situations like this, I often discuss with people the Reasonable Behavior Standard (yes, I made it up!)
There are many variations in behavior, but if the behavior is "off the charts" and so far out that it doesn't work for most people in their social network or our society, then it's up to the person to modify their behavior.
If you're not sure whether your behavior meets this test, ask a number of people, NOT just close friends. If it doesn't, then make a good faith effort. You're right, it will take time. And you'll goof sometimes. Your boyfriend has to take that into account.
Since we don't know the specifics of the problem, it's hard to know whether the idea of him changing makes any sense.
Also, is your boyfriend absolutely independent of the problems you refer to, or is he complicit or involved in some other way? If so, you'll have to take that into account and deal with it as a couple.
If your "slippage" was sexual in nature, then that will have to be dealt with as an issue in and of itself. The same rules as above will obtain, but there will be more complexity and consequences.
If you simply can't change the behavior, you'll need a consult to figure out where it's from, and what the best approach is. Sometimes we're playing out old scenarios or behaviors from early in life, and they can persist!
Regards,
-- Dr. P.
Thank you very much for your prompt reply.
The problem he sees in my behavior is far from sexual, he thinks I'm too nice with people; especially men. Even though I'm a serious person in general and when socializing, I am friendly with the people I see everyday (e.g. relatives, friends, colleagues and classmates).
I'm also the kind of person that is always a part of some online community like blogs, forums and social networks. He doesn't want me to communicate with men through those means and thinks if I do, even when I'm presenting myself in a good way; that I am asking for trouble or looking for attention.
I really don't mean anything bad by this, and I know my boundaries. I just wish that he'd have a little more trust in me and that even if other men showed interest in me; it doesn't mean that I'm gonna jump at them.
When he told me he would change, he meant that he also would be very nice with the women he knows and meet and chat with other women on the internet. Mind you, I never intend on meeting ONLY men when I'm blogging or so and I also don't chat with them. I don't even consider it "meeting" people, just communicating with people who share the same interests or any other relevant subjects to me.
I think he wants me to give that up. It just doesn't seem worth it, I also feel like he looks down o me because of that. He says that I waste my time doing silly things, and no matter how much I try to change for him or be considerate to his needs or to what bothers him, even though he praises me and says he noticed the change, as soon as we argue he claims that I haven't progressed at all.
It really destroys my confidence, because this is my best...I'm worried that my best is not enough.
The problem he sees in my behavior is far from sexual, he thinks I'm too nice with people; especially men. Even though I'm a serious person in general and when socializing, I am friendly with the people I see everyday (e.g. relatives, friends, colleagues and classmates).
I'm also the kind of person that is always a part of some online community like blogs, forums and social networks. He doesn't want me to communicate with men through those means and thinks if I do, even when I'm presenting myself in a good way; that I am asking for trouble or looking for attention.
I really don't mean anything bad by this, and I know my boundaries. I just wish that he'd have a little more trust in me and that even if other men showed interest in me; it doesn't mean that I'm gonna jump at them.
When he told me he would change, he meant that he also would be very nice with the women he knows and meet and chat with other women on the internet. Mind you, I never intend on meeting ONLY men when I'm blogging or so and I also don't chat with them. I don't even consider it "meeting" people, just communicating with people who share the same interests or any other relevant subjects to me.
I think he wants me to give that up. It just doesn't seem worth it, I also feel like he looks down o me because of that. He says that I waste my time doing silly things, and no matter how much I try to change for him or be considerate to his needs or to what bothers him, even though he praises me and says he noticed the change, as soon as we argue he claims that I haven't progressed at all.
It really destroys my confidence, because this is my best...I'm worried that my best is not enough.
You are reading content posted in the Relationship Decisions Forum
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
