Don't know if I should end the relationship - HELP?

[trong]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for three years in a long distance relationship. We are getting engaged and soon to be married and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing. I love her, I trust her, she is beautiful and would be a great mother for my children but she is over weight and sex is boring and I *** to quickly.

She has been really over weight soon after we met and its due to stress but even though I want her and get horny,  I don’t have a burning desire for her sexually which I always thought I would have for the woman I was going to marry. I waited becuase i thought that if she lost the weight i would have that burning desire, but even after three years she still hasn't and i just simply don't know. Even if she loses weight I’m not sure if that would help, because she doesn't do anything to try to turn me on and I’m really bored when having sex.

She gives great blow jobs and I last 45min – 1 hour and also have lasted a few times when having sex, but when I have sex with her I *** to quickly, not sure its because I’m anxious, bored, or if she tightens up to much but its just not doing it for me.

The straight honest approach would destory her, I’ve done everything else so I just don’t know what else to do any more. I’m thinking of going through with the engagement cause its just to late not to anymore and I just don’t know what to do.

The hard part is that I really really love her, she is beautiful, I trust her and she is a great partner and would make a great wife and mother, but I’m just not attracted to her as I think I should be and sex is boring.

Its really killing me. HELP

[trong]

Thank you for your reply.

What you say is very correct. She is very fragile and no matter how I will let her down I know she will still take it hard.

And yes, you are right - guilt and lack of attraction are not winners when going into marriage, it is tough enough as it is - I usually would never allowed this to go on, but I guess she was able to find my weak spot and exploit it - ever since I've been on a downward spiral in my own life.

I think maybe when i am able to stand up to the guilt I will be able to get my life back on track and start enjoying it again and doing the things i want to do and like to do. I guess she has taken me down with her, I guess i have to start swimming or we will both drown.

Its difficult, but deep down, putting aside the fear and guilt, i think the best thing for me to do is to split up.

I will try and do it as best as possible although i know it will not be easy, but if i can do it a way which does not hurt her or put her self esteem down and rather something that I myself am not ready for and that I need to do other things in my life, she will not take it personally and rather view it as my issues, rather then hers.

That way, hopefully, she will take away the good that we've had and it might give her confidence to overcome what she is facing.

I need to stop focusing on her and start focusing more on me, looking out for other people more then i do myself has been problem. I feel and i'm made to feel guilty when i put my needs infront of others.

'deep sigh.

Thank you - it has been a help, even though no one knows what the future holds, at least to express what i'm going through.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Trong,

Your seem to have thought this through and dealt with the issues substantially. If you just can’t take the weight, so be it. And I agree there’s no reason at this point to demoralize and dis-empower her by reference to this problem she can’t or won’t deal with. You’ve tried, and it hasn’t worked. Ok.

The new info you’ve provided is about her abuse history and perhaps fragile emotional state. I agree about your letting her down easily and gently. Just remember that there’s some probability that she’ll have a bad reaction to this, even if it IS gentle. It’s a concern especially in light of her suicidal thoughts. It would be mitigated if she has a strong support system of family, friends, and a therapist. I hope she is getting professional psych help, or will do so soon. Also, there is help available for moderate stress eaters, through various weight programs.

So I urge caution with her. Planning to make sure she is not alone after any breakup seems crucial to me. Keep a close watch as any separation proceeds.

It may be that you two, like other couples that break up, will need to be involved, supportively, in untangling a raft of feeling and issues, for some time. It’s far more normal than the absolute break, and perhaps especially necessary with her.

These cautions stated, guilt and lack of attraction are not good things with which to go into a marriage. Relationships are tough enough even without such factors!


Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[trong]

Thank you for your kind reply, I just read it today. After I wrote the above I didn't sleep alnight and in the afternoon we met and talked and although I have not told the true reason, the engagement is off 'i told her due to other pressing matter.' This of course has caused alot of problems, but i'm thinking as soon as I leave Georgia and head back home I will take some time to think, and if i end it i will end it by saying that i'm not ready to get engaged and that we should both move on in our lives.

In regards to discussing the problem, yes we have discussed it extensively and she is under no illusion - it even got to a point where i said you have to loss weight as I'm not happy or I will have no option but to end the relationship. Now, this has been going on for nearly three years, and we had actually ended things, but like you said - I really did think she is worth it so I gave it another go, and i was going full steam ahead for the engagement. We agreed that if i was to stay with her in a relationship that i could not 'punish' or make her misrable due to the weight problems she has and that if I did stay or get back together that I should be supportive and help. And if i was not happy with it that i should leave. So I did go back to her and have been very supporative, but one day before the engagement I have called it off.

No matter how much i love her and how wonderful she is, becuase if she wasn't i wouldn't have been with her for three years now, I still can't shake the fact that the weight issue is bothering me, and i don't think i should go into a marriage or engagement with this issue. After all you should be attracted to the person you are getting engaged to or married to - at least at the beginning - if afterwards things kinda go downhill i can understand, but to launch from a postion of weakness at the beginning, i just don't think its healthy or right for either partner. But of course, its not as easy, and feeling arn't as rational.

So yes, we have talked about it, and i don't want to tell her i'm leaving her becuase of that reason, her weight, because we've talked about it already and i don't think it will help her to repeat what's already been said, she already knows how i feel. I don't want her to have any lower self esteem then she already has, i'd rather just say that i'm not ready and that its not right for me and that we should both move on becuase i don't see what good it will do if I broach the subject of weight, because she's had three years and although she has started losing weight - at the moment she still has to lose alot and i'm not prepared to go into an engagement feeling like this.

Now, the other points you mentioned. Yes, all the things that are great aside from sex are important but at this point the lack of attraction just kinda kills it all - it feels stale and i know its like a posion, and she deserves better then me cheating on her, or making a life a misery becuase i'm not getting what i want if we get married.

Yes she has emotional problems, and yes it is too keep men away in part, and yes there has been a history of abuse, and yes it also has alot to do with stress becuase she doesn't eat that much, i've seen. Its just her body for some reason doesn't burn fat that well and she gains weight due to stress.

Not to mention sex is boring, the last thing i want to do is bring that up - so far that's the one thing i havn't complained about and we've already got so many problems as it is. I just feel that if i bring it up, it will just destory any self esteem she has left. I understand what you're telling me about the splinter and all, but i've already done this with the weight and although it has helped, it has not resolved the problem and also if i add boring sex to the list . . .I don't want to damage the girl for ever - i do love her you know, even if in the end we are not to be together - i at least want her to leave this relationship feeling good about herself, even though it didn't work out - i don't want her to think it is her fault.

I at least want to be able to do that for her. I don't even mind if she blames me and makes me out to be the bad guy, i'd rather that and she be happy and feel good about herself in maybe in the future she will resolve these issues.

The engagment has been 'postponed' wink wink . .. but in my heart i'm just laying the ground work to gently end things with her. I'm thinking when i get back home, after a few weeks i might write her a letter telling her that "Its I'm not ready to get engaged and that we should both move on in our lives.

Although she has improved from first i met her, the last times i tried breaking up with her she had suicidal thoughts and i had to get her taking the 'Samartans' and other help groups that instant becuase she was so distrot and emotional - it wasn't no great experience for me as well as here i was trying to end things and have nothing to do with her, and i had to make sure she was okay and look after her during the break up and not be able to deal and have the time and space to deal with my own emotions.

You see, she has used the guilt trip and every other trick in the book to keep me and get back together. Guilt is my weak point.

I'll be honest, its very difficult, I don't know what i'm going to do but i do know that i need time to think and that I don't want to rush into this engagement anymore. I don't know if its really probable that we will get engaged, especially after all the upheavel we've had today, but so far all she knows is that certain emergency things have come up and that I am unable to go through with the engagement at the moment. And in due course, after i can think abit, i will try and end it gently without addressing the real problems and reasons i'm leaving - becuase i just don't think it will do any good.

Please advise . . .

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Trong,

No doubt about it: weight gain is a destroyer of sexual interest for men. It’s nearly universal, so don’t feel guilty about it.

Here’s the problem about the relationship decision in such a case: if you leave her and can’t find anyone else who comes close (you seem happy with her otherwise) you’ll kick yourself, despite the great sex with other women. It will be an especially bad outcome because unless you are quite young or extremely sexual, this need will trend DOWN over the next years while your need for the kind of things she provides trends UP. On the other hand, if you stay and are bored/sexually frustrated out of your mind, this obviously isn’t good for the relationship, and could lead to affairs on your part, or general disinterest in the family (bad sex/unattractive wives/husbands is a leading cause of compulsive golf, sailing, bowling, etc). So there’s no “one size fits all” answer.

Do NOT get engaged or married to force the issue. IT WON’T WORK. You’ll be miserable. So will she. If the answer is that sex is that crucial to you, you’ll have to end it to have a decent life.

But first, I’d ask how much I REALLY valued the woman. If it’s REALLY a great deal (be brutally honest with yourself) I’d try to save the relationship. Do this by talking openly to your girl friend about the problem. It will NOT destroy her, though it may temporarily hurt her pride. It hurts to take a splinter out, too, but it’s worth it!

Does she even know that there’s an issue here? If it’s too tough to do alone, work with a counselor. You’ll need to show her what effect your boredom has on your own performance and your interest. Some women assume that weight gain doesn’t influence how men feel. Others extrapolate from the experiences of friends who believe (often wrongly) that their men don’t care. Both groups can be shocked to find that the weight was important.

You’ll need to ask her to deal with the weight problem as she would any other. Maybe she can, maybe she can’t. And she may need some sort of professional help. Sometimes weight gain is about genes, and the body just isn’t going to play along.Other times, it’s caused by simple lack of knowledge of good eating, latent diabetes, depression, undiagnosed thyroid disorder (make sure she gets a medical workup) some other medical problem, or the need to keep men besides the boyfriend/husband away. Sometimes meds can help, though none of them are miracle cures. Several really beautiful women have told me they gained weight so that they could focus on other things besides keeping men away. Sounds nuts to us, but there’s certainly a logic there!

If she has any abuse history, that could be crucial.

I note that she gained weight soon after your relationship began. When this happens it can be for the reason mentioned above, but also it can be because weight provides a kind of shield against closeness in the relationship itself. She may need to check this out it other explanations don’t pan out.

That’s all I have for now. Get back to me if there’s more to discuss.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.