How do I move on?????

[Betrayed73]

My husband and I have been together for almost 13yrs....We have two 11 yr old boys...In 2006 my husband had a relationship for a few months with a woman 10 yrs younger.....we kind of brushed it under the rug and tried to go on....we have always been best friends but I have not always been emotionally and physically available to him for reasons I really don't understand...in 2011 I found out he had another relationship with a coworker for about 9 months...it had already ended when I discovered it and he swore he wanted a fresh start....we have been in counseling together and we also go as individuals....problem is....this has destroyed my whole world...I don't even feel like the same person anymore...I cry every day.....I look at pictures of her every day....I have no self esteem left...I don't trust him at all....I don't know how to move through this...I don't know how to trust and to show him love and affection after all this hurt...I had trouble being vulnerable before all this....I still love him.....very much and understand we have issues to work through....but I feel like by staying I have to accept what he did....and I feel like that's betraying myself....I don't know what to do....I don't know where to start....I have so much love for this man...and yet I don't know how to show it...

[Shelly Bullard]

Hello. I can hear how much pain you are in and I am so sorry for that. This does sound like a very, very painful situation. It seems really important that you get support for YOU right now, so I would start there. Start working with an individual therapist to process your feelings of grief and anger and sadness. You are going to have to come back to feeling like yourself again before you'll have clarity about what you really want (if you want this relationship or not). As you said above, "You don't even feel like the same person anymore." Take the necessary time and space to come back to yourself. I would also recommend not looking at pictures of her anymore, or doing other things that keep the situation so alive in your mind. Set boundaries for yourself so that you can emotionally start to heal. And once you start to heal, you will gain clarity on your next move.

Another thing to keep in mind through your healing process is this: you are the key to your happiness. You may not want to hear that right now, but it is important to remember because it means that no matter what, you have the power to feel good again. Often we think that if our partners acted a certain way or if we could trust them that everything would be ok. Unfortunately, we can never guarantee that anyone is going to do anything. You have the power to feel good again. And it starts with really, really loving yourself (regardless of him). I know this sounds so difficult, but it is true. Do everything you can to take care of yourself during this time: get a therapist, lean on your friends and family, do things that you enjoy so you can remember who you are again, and know that you are going to heal.

[Shelly Bullard]

I know this is so hard. The only way through this situation is by contacting love within yourself and taking care of yourself from that place of self-love. Truly, only you can make yourself feel better. I know that you think he is the key. But trust me when I say that he is not. You are.

Do things, little things, to pull yourself out of this hole and make yourself feel better. And really stop as much as you can discussing the situation, thinking about the situation, imagining the situation--the more you hold it as your reality in the form of thoughts or actions, the longer it will take to move towards healing. And the sooner you come back to your true self again, the sooner you will heal. Good luck. You can do it.

[Betrayed73]

Thank you....I know everything you say is true....I'm just so lost in the details and the time....I can't believe it's been almost a year since I found out....every day I wake up it seems to hit me again....we had a huge fight today...well I did....I want all the messy details....he is very vague....he just wants to move on....I can't....how do u ever get over your best friend,partner,father of your children betraying you in such a way.....I know I need to stop looking at her pictures...I call her sometimes to hear her voice....I don't know why....maybe because I'm angry at her too...what kind of woman does this when she knows a man is married....I'm searching for understanding in a situation I will never understand....and slowly driving myself insane in the process....