Libido and Porn addiction

[lizzie219]

My boyfriend and I used to have an awesome, I repeat awesome sex life. It was everything I had ever hoped for.  I had previously been married to a man who never wanted to have sex.  Now it seems after a couple years he is content to ignore me and masterbate to porn.  He doesnt get why I am angry that he is depriving me of our sex life.  Not to mention what it does to my self esteem that he prefers that to me.  I am so tired of being called a nympho and that all I care about is sex.  Well I didnt change.  He did.  He shut me out for his stupid disgusting porn. He rejects me and now I refuse to ever make any attempt to touch him unless he has clearly initiated it. SO much for having any fun.  I feel like we are geriatrics.  I want to have a fun and exciting sex life.  WHy cant I find a man who wants a sex life with a REAL person?????  I have totally shut down after he lied to me and I found porn on the computer.  He never wants to have any fun with sex. I feel so stifled. I can't put on lingerie for fear of being rejected,  I don't even try.  These days I pretend that sex doesnt even exist.  Its been weeks and right now I almost dont care.  I dont even masterbate bc I am too depressed about sex.  

[j7653]

Of course there could be a lot of reasons why he doesnt want to have sex, like low testoterone level, or depression.  But if he likes to watch porn and jerk off, yet doesnt want to have sex with you, then it sounds like your husband is angry/resentful about something and his anger and resentment is presenting itself by him "withholding" sex from you.

Can you try to figure out and understand what it could be in his life or your relationship that could be making him angry?  It could be anything... your spending habits, partying, friends, physical appearance, something he wants you to do but you wont do, something you do that he doesnt want you to do.

Try to be honest with yourself about your relationship outside of the sex and see things thru his eyes and you might figure it out.  Do you know what his dreams and asperations where in life?  Do you think together you are achieving them?

Once you figure these things out, then at least if you could talk to him about it you might be able to break the log jam.

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Lizzy,

I've read your posting, and peoples' responses, over on the relationship community site. There, you don't mention the porn. Did you think of this later?

To help you, please review the situation and tell me a few things. Are you or your man under any unusual stress? How old are the two of you?  Kids? Have either of you undergone any physical changes? Are there any other things that have gone on in the same time frame as the diminishing of libido?

We've got to narrow down the list of possibilities, since there are MANY things that could account for sexual drive diminishing.

Please get back to me re the above if the "community" comments don't work for you.

Sincerely,

Dr.P.

[DANZBMW]

Hi Lizzy,

I'm thinking that too many people have sex because it's so fun and exciting. Often people have sex because it comes so easily and like a giant chocolate Sundae, it's there for the taking.. Porn can have an impact on a relationship and although it can enhance libido, it can also ruin it AS WELL. Many people get addicted to it and part of the problem is they depend on it  to keep them stimulated (learned response) It's like Cocaine, it was good at first but the Mind and Brain require more and more soon after it's used...It's a bad trap.

Please do some reading and learn that, yes sex is great, wonderful and it has it's place ,
it's very important but it can't be the only thing.  Like a great musical composition, Sex should be incorporated in the whole ensemble, it can be the beat, the lyrics, and it can
also be the (solo) I'm trying to show you that Sex can be so much better when it is done with love and not just the physical or over indulging.. Please be very careful about going into it with out understanding...Some people do get addicted but with proper techniques, they can learn to have a healthy approach.  You sound young, please see someone so you can be more knowledgeable.

PS.. Don't you think your boyfriend is having problems mixing Fantasy (Porn) with reality
( you two together)  He won't stop unless you open his eyes.. He needs help.


My best,

D