Hi I am a 30 year old woman who has had anxiety , worse in previous years, for the past 6 years. I had generalized anxiety over many issues, and one of them that has cropped up recently is dating. I have never dated /kissed, and I am currently talking to a wonderful man online. He wants to meet, and so do I.. we have STRONG feelings for each other, even love. However I have been INCREDIBLY nervous to meet because of my feelings of not being 'enough'... like 'who am "I" ? " that would be ENOUGH for a guy.. ? :(
I think it stems from a CONSTANT environment of being yelled at/criticized by my Manic mother everyday. I feel like men are 'more' almost.. maybe b/c they are , in some ways, more 'assertive/authoritative ' , as my mother was, and I feel 'not good enough' :( I know I am funny, Very kind, and warm. I know this man likes me for ME, but I'm trying so hard to not be incredibly nervous to meet. I don't want to get 'spacey' in front of him, although I don't think I will. But I don't want to live like this anymore.. constantly on eggshells about Me , and what I am capable in , in love, and that I'm worth it.. because I have never felt I was.
I end up thinking, "Who am 'I'?" (for a man ), and since I have not have relationship experience/kissing/ etc.. I overthink that, subsequently feeling inadequate, and this makes me Feel extremely nervous. I know I need to feel comfortable with ME inside, first, so that I can meet him with love and acceptance , and feel Competent. I just wonder how you can feel like this, when you are 30, and feel Incompetent/unworthy ,thinking men/he will 'judge' me, as if he will 'see' I'm not 'girlfriend material'. Ridiculous sounding I know, but I guess this is what my subconscious has been feeling..that b/c of my low view of myself, I think I could never 'be' that to a man, or be good at intimacy/sex/kissing. It is sad , and I am tired of labeling myself. ANY tips or advice on how to increase my self worth and improve my Being so I can ever be with a man / date /kiss, is VERY much welcomed. Thank You so much for your time.
Hello. Yes, you have to start getting comfortable with you first. No one can make us feel worthy if we don't feel worthy already.
Start contacting your true self. I call this Soul. It is the part of you that knows that you are completely worthy as you are. It is the part of you that knows you are magnificent, and capable of so much love and good.
We all have this place of abundant love within us, but often it gets drowned out by the ego (the nasty messages we tell ourselves). You have to cultivate a practice of listening to the truth of goodness within you and not accepting the messages that bring you down.
This is not always easy. We have many, many, many messages coming at us that are not beneficial for our well being. So it take a commitment to yourself to start listening and telling yourself good things. A commitment that is well worth it.
It is a daily practice--a spiritual practice, really. An attempt to contact your spirit within. You can do this by meditating. YOu can do this by feeling gratitude. You can do this by reading books on the subject. You can do this by working with a coach who can guide you back to self love (this is what I do for a living, please feel free to contact me for more info: shellybullard.com).
Once you start orienting to the world for a self-love position, you won't have as much fear. Because your worth will dependent on others; it will dependent on you only. This is the only way.
Thank you SO much Shelly!!! This really is very helpful.. I like how you said your true self is , Soul, is the part of you that knows you are magnificent and capable of so much love and good. I also like how you said 'once you start orienting to the world for a self love position, you won't have as much fear.. this is the only way. ' Its like, one can stay 'stuck ' in fear, and Believe these lies, as I have subconsciously :(, or one can feel it is untrue deep down, and somehowtap into a place of quiet, Soul, or our Essence, that nothing 'I' can do, will have me 'rejected' (which is part of my fear, that I'll be not 'good, ' enough etc, and be rejected )I think if I take away my 'identity ' per se, and just know my True essence, I can do this.. not label myself am I good 'girlfriend ' material..? These labels I place are what is binding and if I don't have any labels/expecation/ image of the mind that I have to 'do' or live 'up ' to, I think it releases me.. or anyone. I thank You for this response, and I am working everyday at my SElf worth and love.. and i know I can do it.. :) Thanks Shelly, truly.
I agree with Shelly that a coach would be great for you. Also there are free groups available that you can open up and talk about the dysfunction you experienced in your childhood. It might be worthwhile for you to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families. (ACOA). It did help me to talk about the abuse i suffered as a child, i know this now. I made a few friends there as well, and it always helps not to isolate. Don't worry about being able to be intimate, if you end up liking this man in person, it will come naturally to you. You don't need any experience at all to initiate intimacy, it is totally a natural function to us, given at birth, just as procreation is given to us, and is a natural progression in our relationships. It might help you to make friends on here with other members also. I'm here for you if you need to talk. It sounds like there are some exciting things going to start to happen for you. I wish you well. God Speed.
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