lack of experience don't know what to do.

[goodheart258]

Hello.

I've just started going out with a guy. He has a good heart and is a clever man. I'm in my mid to later 20's and I'm embarrassed (I know I shouldn't be) to say he is my absolute first.

We've been dating for over a month and I haven't told him. I've not felt much attraction to him to be honest but wonder if I should just carry on being with him to experience being in a relationship? Is this wrong? Shouldn't I be with someone that I can't wait to see and become more intimate with or do you think it's being clouded by my nerves and anxiety of doing something new?

I suffer from anxiety quite badly and maybe if this goes I can relax and just go with it? Maybe I'll be more attracted to him?

In my head I worry about sex and if I should loose my virginity to him or not. He's understanding and good but should I loose it to someone I really fancy or just get it over with? I also worry my body will look a let down if he saw it.

I put loads of pressure on myself because I have nothing to compare this to. I should be feeling amazing but I feel like i'm keeping secrets and like it's a challenge or even burden.

Is it normal to be like this? What should I be doing?

Is there a helpline I can talk to or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

I guess I need positive advice..please.

Thank you.

G.H

[goodheart258]

Thank you for your reply.

In regards to intimacy, I couldn't tell you because I've yet to reach that point and have nothing to draw from, but what I do know is that I haven't avoided it.  I've never put myself in many situations to have these experiences because I didn't socialise due to being at home so much.  I also had (and still do to certain level) limited amount of friends.

I could go with a 'gut feeling' but I just can't tell what it is or how I feel because there is no prior experience to determine the thoughts and feelings.

I'm hoping to receive CBT therapy for anxiety but I'm not sure if it will help or if it's the right treatment?  Maybe anxiety is the cause?  I just don't know and feel quite lost.  I wish having relationships was just a normal process like everyone else.  Everything is so hard to do.

[Shelly Bullard]

Hello. I appreciate your sincerity. It is hard for me to tell if you have a lot of fear, which potentially could be clouding the experience of excitement that is usually felt at the beginning of relationships, or if you actually just aren't into this guy. I usually try to go with a gut feeling, and if your gut feeling is saying that you aren't really into him, I would trust that.

But then, my next question for you would be: what are your fears with intimacy? It seems like perhaps you have been avoiding being close with men (I could be wrong, just going off the little bit you wrote about). Why is that? It might be helpful to work with a therapist to start to identify and work through your fears around intimacy, which will make space for you to create closer relationships with men you are excited about. Fears block us in relationships. They keep us distant. So, unless we deal with our own fears, it is hard to find people to be close to.