My boyfriend and I have been together since March 2010. In the beginning, our sex life was great; we would make love more than once a day, and he was very sexual with me. I understand that this is normal in the begininng, but one thing that always concerned me is something that has gotten worse. He takes forever to ejaculate, and sometimes doesn't ejaculate at all. At first, I didn;t get too worried, he told me that he has always had this issue, and doesn't have to ejaculate to have an orgasm. But now, it kind of makes me feel like I'm not doing things right. Don't get me wrong, he always makes sure I have an orgasm, and I have expressed to him that I want to make sure he gets just as much pleasure from sex as I do. He does ejaculate once in a while, but it is becoming more rare. We have tried different positions, oral sex, and other foreplay, and sometimes these work and sometimes they don't. He also says he masturbates quite a bit when we're not together. For example, he woke me up at 5:00 am, ready to go (this is normal for us), and after I had my orgasm he went soft and was done. I asked him if he felt ok, he said yes, and he enjoyed himself. We kissed and cuddled, and we then went back to sleep. Also, he doesn't really like to be on top, usually I'm on top or we're in a scissor type position. Sometimes I think he's a little lazy lol! Anyway, I don't want to pressure him too much about it, as I know this can be a sensitive subject. I'm just worried about him. What do you suggest? I am a very sexual person, and he's good with 2-3 times a week, I'm adventerous, he's a little more reserved. I just want him to be pleasured as much as he pleasures me. Thanks for your time!
There are many things that could be causing the problem. The issue is to narrow down the possibilities. I can just head you in this direction at this point. You’ll need more information and some expert opinion in other areas. Here are some thoughts.
He’s always had the issue. This tells us that it’s not particular to YOU. Either he has issues with women and/or sex, or there is something physical going on.
2. On the latter, you may want to check with one of the MH experts in that area. For example, he could be oddly wired in the sexual organs. There is something called retrograde ejaculation that sounds like what he’s telling you. It has various causes, and treatments. Google it. I won’t go further; professionally it’s in another league. He may not like to be on top because his wiring is such that he feels most sensation in the scissors or other position.
3. Another, probably less likely possibility is that he has some hidden anxiety about his sexual relationships. This may be reinforced, if it exists, by your sexual forthrightness. Anxiety can be expressed in men by stifled ejaculation. Again, this might not involve you in particular. I’m not saying this is the problem, just that sometimes it may be, and when it is, it’s not always easy to tease out. I’d approach it in your case only after physical issues have more or less proven to not be present.
4. Sounds unlikely that he’s just being lazy. It also sounds unlikely that you’re somehow responsible for the problem.
5. Bottom line: suggest he check out the symptom and the above possibility with his internist.
Feel free to get back to me if you have more information that might allow us to narrow down the possibilities further.
Thank you doctor. Your answer was very helpful. I know that when he was younger, his cousin molested him, but he doesn't discuss the specifics, and I don't push it. Also, he tells me he masturbates sometimes 4-6 times a day; would it be possible that he just cannot ejaculate because he masturbates too much? I also found information regarding delayed ejaculation and retrograde ejaculation, and it sounds like he may experience both of these things, but I will definately leave that to a doctor to diagnose.
Both are possible sources of difficulty. A good idea to check with the MD first to rule out other issues. Perhaps he can specifically ask the doc about the second issue you raise. If extreme, it could conceivably cause the problem.
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