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My daughter and her mother have an unusual relationship. Please help.

When my daughter was about 14 I noticed that her mom, my wife at the timestarted tickling each others backs lightly with their fingers. From my marriage with the mother I know that is something she enjoyed and asked me to do for her prior to this. As time passed my marriage deteriorated. At the same time my daughter and her mother increased their back gickles. Eventually it led to happening behind closed bedroom doors. When I would interrupt them I would open the door without knocking. As my daughter got older they were in bed together near naked and under the covers. I never said anything but certainly gave them looks of disapproval. When my daughter turned 18 I divorced her mom. I got my name trashed through the town by both of them. I am now cival with my wife after being divorced for 8 years. My daughter refuses to speak to me and has done several nasty things to "get back at me". She accuses me of  being a horrible father, which I know is not true. I did my best, I spent more time with her teaching her things than most fathers. There was never any abuse from me. My daughter left for college and came home on weekends. Her boyfriend moved in with my daughters mother. After college she married him. My daughter, her husband and my ex-wife all live together. The daughter and her husband have no intention of moving out. My daughter's  mom does not want them to leave. My daughter has grown into a spiteful 26 year old who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. After enduring these treatments from her for 6 years, I finally wrote her off. Please give me your input on what you think was going on between my mom and daughter.
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Avatar universal
Apologize for the typos. I cannot edit post. Last sentence is meant to read "Please give me your input on what you think was going on between my daughter and her mom.
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The back tickling may very well have been nothing at all beyond innocent playfullness.  The door being closed may have been for "girl talk" or perhaps it was mom's doing to exclude you while she indoctrinated your daughter with negative ideas about you.  

I have been in a similar situation but was naive to it.  By the time I realized it was because my ex that my relationship with my daughter tanked, it was too late.  We lost ten years and just recently she's realized that her mom never will be the good mom she so desperately wanted.  Her mother is a bad friend and simply put, a bully.  It will never be the same for us  but I'm glad we have this opportunity to rebuild at least toward a somewhat "normal" father/daughter relationship.  

You say that you and your ex are cordial. If she is or has been vengeful, you expressing to her a desire to have s relationship with your daughter might amuse her in some sick way.  If shes not like that perhaps you can get her to help change your daughters view of you?  I know your daughter is 26 but she could still come around.  Be available and express how you feel but do not let her get away with mistreating you (just putting that out there as  I do not know you).  Another thing, you sound a bit like me,  coming across as somewhat uptight and maybe a little overly critical.  If you can show her a more comforting side of you, maybe her behavior will change too.  I say all this, despite the fact that all you ask is about your ex and daughters behavior and if it is strange because I feel life is too short to accept less than what you deserve.  Maybe it helps or not but I hope it gets you thinking beyond their relationship and onto rebuilding yours.

Lastly, while living situations often include unique circumstances and arrangements, do you think theirs is more than "roomates" given the fact that you perhaps feel they are "too close" and with the husband  there, having lived with your ex alone too at one point?  If that IS what you were getting at, I have no advise and can only say that in this day and age, I do not put anything past anyone.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry you have lost your daughter and the relationship has deteriorated like this.  That must be terribly painful.  As a parent, I know the idea of loving my kids very much but that they could decide I'd wrong them and deny a relationship with me would be something I'd never be able to get over.  So, I'm truly sorry.  

This is just my opinion.  I'd focus on your hurt and pain of it rather than create scenarios in your mind about your daughter and her mother.  I would guess you read far too much into their closeness when she was 14.  And it probably  hurt then too.  That you don't have a close relationship with her and she does with her mom, that hurts.  

But I'd let go of the notion of placing a nefarious vibe to the relationship they have.  For economic reasons, couples do sometimes live with parents.  And for the ease of the situation.  And I just can't see any good coming out of trying to make it a negative thing or imply something nasty is going on.  That will never bring you closer to your daughter again.  

If I were you, I'd go ahead and just send a birthday card with note that you still care and are always there for her and a Christmas card saying the same. With no strings attached.  Just in case her heart softens and she may want to risk her own vulnerability to reconnect with you on some level.  She'll never risk that if you are judging her relationship with her mother.  You  know?  

Focus on your own pain.  I'd recommend a therapist to work through some of this because I'd guess it is bothering you on a very deep level.  I hope you get your daughter back some day.  
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