The answer is called The Law of Diminishing Returns. What this means is that what got him off last week will not necessarily get him off this week in terms of porn. It becomes a gradual step down a long latter. I am not against porn before I have 1 million hate responses, but I can tell you from experience that it will lead to problems. I would ask him to do without porn. What that will do is shift his sexual interest back to you. Hit him with the truth head on. Cam to cam is just one step away from an affair. You have to be brutally honest with him about your feelings or he will never understand how bad he is hurting you.
His only problem is he might be isolating himself in this make believe online world while distancing himself from the real people in his life, including you. Your problem is figuring out if he's still into you as much as he was and if you're still into him as much as you were. It's not uncommon for long relationships to become less sexual, so I have no idea what's happening, but it seems you need to find out if it's making you unhappy.
I need to think about if broadcasting yourself and cam 2 cam is cheating to me. The opportunities are so many now with the Internet.
I don't know or understand 'cam to cam' sex but I do realize that there can be no interaction 'emotionally' to another human being when You are having 'computer' sex. There's a big 'clue' when a Man prefers sex this way instead of interacting with a real Woman.
Sex is and should be MORE than an orgasm. It's most satisfying emotionally when it's an expression of love with, for, and toward Your Partner. But the biggest sex organ is the brain, and there-in lies the problem with porn addiction - the brain goes through chemical changes when the 'pleasure' centers are stimulated. People become addicted to those chemical changes in the brain - it's the 'pleasure' centers that cause the 'addictions' (sex, gambling, shopping, etc., etc.)
Read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson - He's a physiology teacher. It's an 'eye opener'
First things first , you have to know how much it bothers you before you can attempt talk to him, or put a plan in action as to you and he getting closer. It seems like the ideal in your situation, would be to cut out all porn and get back to what's real for the both of you. It might be that you need to talk to a marriage counselor together. If he's now got a porn addiction, it might be hard for him to break the habit, If he refused to go to marriage counseling, you've got your answer as to how invested he is in your marriage.
I know for myself having anyone else in my bedroom other then my partner, did not and would never fly. I left my first husband for going to a strip club, after i made it clear it wasn't acceptable for me, And i'm glad i did. I've now got a man that thinks the same way i do about porn , we're compatible and it works for both of us.
OMGolly !! The technology has certainly passed me by !! I did not know this !!
I don't understand how You can be unsure how You feel about this as, personally, I would consider this cheating - He IS having sex with someone else - and He's paying for it too !! Sex with a stranger for money - that's an act of prostitution !! only without the risk of an STD.
The sneaking,the hiding, the paying for sex with a stranger - these would be big issues (deal breakers) in my book. I mean, we all love sex - but sex per se, is not the ONLY issue here. I think You, He, are dealing with an addiction.
He's being unfaithful (sex with another) to His relationship with You. Also, if He has to sneak and hide His behavior then He too realizes something is not right with His choices. Were I You, I would insist on therapy or I would leave the relationship. Otherwise, You must ask YourSelf if this is the future You want for YourSelf. You can't stay and fight over it - You simply must accept His behavior - or find a way for Him to want to change it.
I agree with lastbreath777, in that this behavior will become worse with time. It is an addiction and with any addiction 'tolerance' goes up - that means it takes more and more of the stimulas (whatever it may be) to get that 'high', that 'buzz' - and the only recovery for ANY addiction is abstinence. Often it takes support or therapy to recovery from any addiction - it definitely requires abstinence.
Again, I encourage You to read "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. It's on the internet. He should read it too. He likely doesn't realize what He is doing to HimSelf in the long run, and if He understands the chemical changes that occur in His brain when He's watching porn, when He realizes what causes, creates addiction, perhaps He will decide He wants change. Recovery is possible from any addiction but one has to 'want' change. One has to CHOOSE recovery - and then take the neccessary steps to achieve it.
you are right about "he might be isolating himself in this make believe online world while distancing himself from the real people in his life, including me" He is very private person and doesn't share much. I'm the opposite I share to much.
I try to fix every thing. sometimes I think I care to much.
No, I don't think You care "too" much. I think, perhaps You care for the wrong Person.
He's not a good match for You. You say You're the opposite of Him. Perhaps You should Partner with SomeOne more like YourSelf.
'They' say "opposites attract". Perhaps that is why there are so many failed relationships. Perhaps we should look for a relationship with someone who shares our own senses.
We should AKNOWLEGE Red Flags when they are staring Us in the face !! Your eyes are "open wide shut" here and You need to realize that what You see is what You get. This is something You cannot change. He has to do that. So, You must decide if this is the kind of life You want to live if He is not going to seek change.
You could be right but what I meant to say is I need to care more about me and not so much everyone else.
Every day? this is cheating, and this is an addiction. I agree that you need to initiate therapy asap.
As for "handling the situation", be honest. Let him know that you know he's paying for cam to cam sex, and to you it's like he's cheating with a sex worker. (if that's how you feel, that's the way i see it anyway). It seems at your ages that this may not be something that can be "fixed". He has to consider it to be a problem, a habit, and be okay with talking to an Addicitons Therapist, and a marriage counselor to get you two back on board with each other. If either of you do not feel you want to take the necessary action to nip this in the bud, and restart your lives together, it seems it might be better to part.
update on my life.... I told him what he was doing was cheating. we talked about it and in the end he agreeded.
it has been 2 years and he has stopped. I know this because I can check his bank accounts.
thank you for helping with your answers. our life together is much better!