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Avatar universal

Should I move in with my girlfriend of 5 months?

My girlfriend and I are deciding to move in together, our relationship is great so far we are a long-distance couple about a hour away. We are planning on moving in together around December Im looking for a job over by her right now. We basically live together now I sleep  at her place like 4 days out of the week. Every week we take turns cooking cleaning etc. I help her with her daughter drop her off to school and pick her up help teacher her her letters etc. its perfect right now. We do have some differences like all couple do she really doesn't compromise much, she said compromise a lot for her last two relationships and she's not going to compromise now because she's good right now everything is perfect and her life. For example she's friends with her ex-boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend helps her out what the kid too he loves her and feel like she's his daughter as well that's cool and all. But  they live in the same apartment complex I told her I don't feel comfortable living there let's move somewhere else and she says she's not going to do that.  And every time we talk about moving she use the words mine, I, and my daughter, I don't like that.  And her daughter father is finally trying to be involved in hes  daughters life so he pops up at her place  unannounced. so I asked her when I move in is he going to be popping up like that I don't have a problem for him to come over and read his daughter a bedtime story or took her in but I would like to be informed prior to him coming over he can't just pop up like that. and she told me this is my place, I said when I moved in it's our place, she said this is my place minds and my daughter and I'm not going to ruin my daughters and her fathers relationship just because you don't like it. Which I don't have a problem with I just want the courtesy of knowing he's coming over. Then I gave her an example and said if I move in here and a friend or my family members want to come over unannounced would that be OK with you she said no I would like to be informed, and I said are you serious, and she said it's different it's my daughter's father. So idk what do you think about that ? Plus I just got a job offer the job is mine if I want it but I'm deciding not to take it and just wait,  she's mad about my decision but I told her when she can compromise and consider my opinion and see our relationship as a we and a team then I will move in. And Every time I would criticize or ask a question or a constructive criticism about her or her daughter it's always like she wants to fight I have a problem with that too. Am I asking  too much for her for a 4 month relationship am I requiring too much please help ?
10 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
You're requiring something she's not going to give.

And I think she's right.  She's telling you EXACTLY how she wants to run her life,  and that's with her daughter at the center of it,  and with the focus of allowing her daughter's father unfettered access.  That's her goal.  

It wold be refreshing if so many adults had that kind of clarity in a relationship.  She makes it where if you want this,  you can have it but here's how I've decided to run my life for my daughter.

And no mother likes "constructive criticism" from a guy about how she's parenting her daughter.

I think you'd be very wise to move on.  I think it's very likely,  actually,  that your girlfriend and her ex will end up back together.
Avatar universal
"Am I asking  too much for her for a 4 month relationship am I
requiring too much please help ?"................Well, in my opinion moving in after being together for 4 months is a bit too fast, she isn't going to budge and it sounds exactly like she said "she said compromise a lot for her last two relationships and she's not going to compromise now because she's good right now everything is perfect and her life."  

So, move in IF you can accept this without changes because this is how things are going to be.

Lastly, do you want to be with a gf who has two other men pretty heavily involved in her and her child's life?  I can understand the biofather being a part of her life, but the ex bf too?  Strange.

I think you should stay where you are.  Find someone who fits into your world and you can fit into her's.
1 Comments
I honestly think it's a a bad idea too make decisions during december due to holiday stress and expectations being high during new year and why nit wait til the new year and see how u both feel then. I speak from a few experiences of my own
Avatar universal
I wouldn't move into that type of situation. It doesn't sound like it will end well. I can appreciate her wanting to finally do things her way after being in past relationships where she wasn't allowed to have anything go her way. And I can appreciate that she wants to have her daughter's needs above everything else. But from your perspective it sounds like the stuff that is bothering you now will never be resloved to your satisfaction because she is fine with the way things are now. So you'll have to decide if you're willing to put up with the things that bother you now, knowing it won't change, or if this is just going to lead to more problems down the road for you.
Avatar universal
Why do you think they will get back together ?  I have that fear also because they broke up because he came home one day and said he doesn't  want this anymore  they dated for 2 years. And he was constantly calling breaks she couldn't take it anymore they finally broke up they been broken up for a year now. Her ex-husband was abusive mentally physically emotionally cheated etc. she move from the Bahamas to be with her ex husband it didn't work out, she told me her ex-boyfriend brought her back up mentally physically emotionally and helped her be the person she is today she said they had an amazing relationship she said it was the perfect relationship but it just didn't work out. She said she would never go back to someone who doesn't know what they want because she knows what she wants but after they broke up they remain friends because he's the only person she knows in town.  He did a lot for her even though there are broken up when I came into the picture I told her to stop and limit that and keep it on  only  Focus on the daughter she did that.  And her ex have a girlfriend  
Avatar universal
After reading your last post it would be definitely wise to not move in.  This ex bf is hanging around and she is allowing it for some reason.  I don't buy the "friends" senario nor that he is just coming around for the child's sake nor that he's the only person she knows in town.  

Wonder how his gf feels about him hanging around his ex?  If he has a gf shouldn't he be focused on her instead of bending over backwards to be there for an ex gf and her child?  Well, you stated that you told her to stop, but why should you have to tell her to do this?  Why didn't she do this on her own in the first place?  Wondering.

Something doesn't seem right here.

May I ask has she ever had a break between men?  It seems she is rolling from one relationship to another without a proper break.  That's a red flag.
Avatar universal
They don't hang out or anything like that, he just helps with the little one  like  Drop/pick her up from school  and hold her until her mom get off because she works two jobs. And she never  hang out with him and I can pick up her phone and go through it she won't care we both know each other's pass code if he calls she speaks with him right in front of me it's always just about are you going to pick her up from school tomorrow or something like that.  Conversation is usually like 5 to 10 minutes.  Sometime he gives her leftovers that he cook. I trust her though  and we talk all day from sunrise to sundown texting or talking on the phone. And idk about  have she ever been alone for a while I think the answer is no.
15621123 tn?1441803056
If he was always breaking up with her, how is that a good image for her daughter? In fact, she is still allowing him to come and go as he pleases. It would be a different thing if the love went sour but it could be there still is a strong attraction between them.  I also wonder, does she value his opinion on raising her daughter more then yours and do you show the same interest he does? It all just doesn't sit right. If he was always breaking up with her how is he a good image for her daughter? I would seriously wait before changing your whole life, if you think she is worth keeping, perhaps its best just to spend weekends there first. 5 months really isn't that long to take such a serious step.
15621123 tn?1441803056
Not trying to sound mean, but does she need help with rent, and bills?
1 Comments
good question Walnut ......
Avatar universal
You state..........."Why do you think they will get back together ?  I have that fear also because they broke up because he came home one day and said he doesn't  want this anymore  they dated for 2 years.".............If you trust her then why have this fear?  You can't have this fear and trust her at the same time.  

The BIG red flag is she hasn't had a proper break between her relationships which will probably spell disaster for your relationship.  There are other red flags (in your other posts) as well that are just as concerning and moving in will only make matters worse.

All the best with your decision-making.  
3060903 tn?1398568723
I appreciate that you accept that these two men are showing love for the little girl, and you seem to be confident that your women in disinterested in anything else but them both caring for her daughter. The fact is that either or both could make a play for your gf at any time, they are all friends and they all have history, moreso than you.

Have you talked about having a child between you? Just curious, would you like to have children down the road at any time do you think ? Imagine how nice it would be to have a child with a women that did not have baggage, and could give of herself fully, as you can?
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