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Avatar universal

8&10 still sleep/cuddle with "dada"

I am so frustrated!  Am I not normal?
Situation; boyfriend (42yrs old)of 20 months now, was introduced to his girls 6 months in to the relationship.  Custody is 50/50. Every single night dada (this irks me as well they're almost 9&11 not 3&5) and his girls cuddle in our bed until well usually a good hour (he usually falls asleep). So I sit in an another room until he finally gets up and CARRIES them to bed.  Every morning same thing, they get up (if they haven't already came in to the room in the middle of the night) and climb in to bed.  This is very awkward to me and the bed isn't that big! So I get up because yep  frustrated. They still sat on his lap no matter where we are, asking to be up-eed, hell 8 yr old asked dad to wipe her bum THANK GOD he actually said no.   I've been given an ultimatum to change, accept the lack of discipline (as he lets and does everything for them) or be gone.  I think this "bed time" ritual strains our relationship especially intimacy.  Am I not normal? Is this that common? I don't get it and I'm extremely uncomfortable about it.   Any and all information would be greatly appreciated.

Sign me confused & frustrated
4 Responses
Avatar universal
This makes You uncomfortable - He's given You an ultimatum to change or be gone - So, change or be gone.  You only have 2 choices.

That being said, I understand Your discomfort but they are the family, You are the GirlFriend - You will not change the dynamic here - nor will You be comfortable with it = 4 unhappy people.  Why go there??  It won't end well.  
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sorry things are difficult and this situation sounds hard.  Stinks when we meet a great person and then find out things we don't like about them or their lifestyle.  We date in order to find out if we should take the relationship to the next level with that person.  Often we should not.  If you are frustrated about the way he handles his children, parents, how his children act to him, etc. . .   this probably is not a match made in heaven.

I think there is a wide range of normal.  Lots of families have different quirks and as someone looking at the situation from the outside, it may seem odd.  He seems content with things as do his daughters.  Is it really fair to call it abnormal and to be so bothered that his daughters call him dada  (my boys are 8 and 7 and call me mama by the way)? The other things as well?  Again, there is a really wide range of normal.  Some families are more affectionate and close than others and in some families that is taboo.  But all of it is still within normal.

Anyway, I personally would not want to be with someone who was constantly judging my relationship with my children.  He may find this not to be a match made in heaven either.

That isn't a bad thing.  Sometimes a relationship just will not work due to extenuating circumstances.  

so agree with Tinkerbell, you've given your ultimatum.  Either you will disrupt their family dynamics successfully or you won't.  good luck
Avatar universal
This is definitely not abnormal.  More and more parents seem to let their kids sleep in their bed, and it's not like he's leaving them there.  Growing up, the only times I got to sleep in my parents' bed was either when my dad was on night shift or I had a really bad nightmare.  Some families are different.  The 8-year-old probably thought her inappropriate comment was funny, but the father did the right thing, so I sense nothing odd here.

You should either suggest a bigger bed so you're not so uncomfortable while they're in there or just get used to the perfectly normal-sounding behavior and waiting.  He's not going to change, and he's made that quite clear with his ultimatum.  As Specialmom said, some families are more affectionate than others.  None of this sends up red flags for me.  You've just got to make your choice.
Avatar universal
Totally agree with thatquietgirl.  
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