hi im with a moroccan man have been for a year now i was told i couldnt have kids after an operation but 3 months into the relationship i fell pregnant he forced me to have an chemical abortion as i was very depressed i let him bully me i have regretted it ever since and have hated my self for being so weak .i have religiously taken the pill everyday since but despite my efforts i have just discovered im pregnant again im scared to tell him because of how he reacted last time his family wont bug me as they dont know about me but still worried what will happen when he finds out and i refuse the abortion so confused and worried
Lots of good opinions here. I will say that even if something sounds harsh, if you look for the advice in it, it is there. I agree that this poster sounds unstable and that she needs to have her mental health under control in order to parent a child. I strongly urge her to move home to her parents and seek help on a few levels. The anxiety, the unrealistic planning, the misplaced priorities are all pretty scary. I hope she can find it in her to get help. For the sake of herself and that baby, Luck to the poster.
I just read all the comments. I hope you are doing ok. I think if you focus on you and your little one and with the support of your family you can do it and be a great mommy. I don't know if u ever got counciling or not but it is a good idea. If you cant afford it you can go to any local church and get it free as most pastors or ministers are certified councilors.(no they wont try to force u into their church or religion, a lot if people worry about that) its always a good resource and its sometimes good to get advice from someone who is unbiased. Best of luck to you and stay strong.
Vintagequeen. Thank you hun you are such a sweetheart yes I'm planning to stay with my dad he's gonna help me but he's gonna have surgery so I have to wait and in the mean time try to cope here until I can go there. It's just a very hard time right now...my bfs mom is just goin off about how I need to get an abortion and religious stuff and she's only worried about what the somlian community Will think of her family. So its kind of like he has to choose sides. Which isn't right but whatever happens I Will be strong and as each and every day passes I get more excited to meet my baby and I Will have to be strong for myself and my baby.it Will be hard but I know deep down I can do it.
And As for "Shell" I Will be fine and I know I Will be a great mother. And you should respect vintagequeens advice which there are a lot of people out there who grow up with lousy parents and even turn out better then people with stable parents. I speak of this from what I've seen and know. Not everyone is the same
Shell,
I think you are totally being unfair here. You don't know this young lady so I don't see why you are so ademant that she is or could make an inadequate mother. There are several reasons people end up in prison or in a mental hospital. I am not ignorant to believe that some are the products of lousy mothers.. but I wouldn't say the that the majority of these people in those circumstances are there as a result of a lousy mother. I was trying to use my personal experiences to inspire others. I did not ONCE say that your advice was wrong or personally attack you. I was being very respectful and this is the second time you have needlessly retaliated on me. It is quite clear that you do not respect my values and opinions.. so I would kindly ask you to not respond to any of my posts or message me again and I will kindly return the favor. It is very unfortunate that you cannot see the value in my opinions as I have seen the value in yours.
I wish this poster well and I will gracefully bow out of this topic
~VQ
no you did not ask us if you were going to be a good mother or not. but i have seen what kinds of mothers women in your circumstances make first hand and most of them turn out to be inadequate mothers. oh and vintage queen just because YOU didn't end up in prison or a mental hospital doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people who had lousy mothers didn't.
You are quite welcome hun! Everyone here cares about your well-being. I know you weren't asking others their opinions of how good of a mother you will be. Being a mother is hard work for ALL mothers. We weren't born mothers you know ;) and babies don't come with instruction manuels. I think it will be very helpful for you to move in with your folks hun! The extra help will definitely be beneficial to you. I know that it is unfair that you must parent your child solo, but I am also so pleased that you didn't abort it! You have got a lot of courage sweetheart! I know you can do it!
I am sure you'll make a fine mother! But please move back in with your parents.. even just temporarily so you can get things figured out. It would be good for your folks as well as I'm sure they're excited for this baby!
Congrats and good luck hun
~VQ
I think everyone is just really concerned for you kiccoline because you seem to be focused on things that are not going to help you or your child. There is something in the way that you write that is very worrisome as if there is a total disconnect. I think I personally am afraid that reality is going to creep up on you----- well, actually slam into you and you are going to fall apart. I'd like to see you living where your supportive parents are when that happens so you have someone to lean on. good luck
Thank you vintagequeen :) good advice!
I know they care but I'm just sayin no were did I ask if I was gonna be a good mother or not. But other than that thanks for all the advice everyone
I am very sorry to hear of these horrible circumstances. I wish nothing but the best of luck for you and your unborn child. I am not going to sit here and tell you that you aren't going to be a good mother because you're young and you suffer from anxiety. I will tell you that the probability of your boyfriend hanging around after the baby is born is slim to zero. That is very unfortunate.. Children deserve to have both of their parents actively in their lives, but that is not always the case. Raising children is difficult despite age or financial status, especially with the economy in the shape it is nowadays. No one is perfect and no one is exempt from mistakes. My parents were abusive when I was a child and it was a very tense household.. I am a good citizen, I finished high school and went on to college and have a good paying job (saying this is in reference to the person saying that prisons and mental hospitals are full of people who had lousy mothers.. I respectfully disagree... There is no saying why the person is in prison or have mental illness)
It is good that you have family to support you. Perhaps you will be able to further your education so you can be able to provide for yourself and your child. I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Also, I do see other people's point of views of your situation. They are looking out for not only your well being but the well being of that sweet baby in your womb. Try not to get offended. If people didn't care, hun.. they wouldn't be posting their opinions and advice to help ya ;)
Take care hun
~VQ
Didn't you come here for advice? I really think we all would be doing you a disservice by posting advice that isn't honest and sound. Plus, the advice/opinions are based SOLELY on what you have TOLD us. We don't know you PERSONALLY to judge you. No one knows the future 100% or whether or not 100% that you will be a good or bad mother, but your CURRENT situation doesn't sound like an ideal situation for a child/baby to enter and if it doesn't change and continues as is this will be DISASTROUS for you and your child. If you think you are stressed now about this bf and "this and that," add the responsibility of a baby to that....FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
Most of us are older and wiser than you; have lived alot longer than you have to know good and bad patterns and their consequences. We are simply trying to SPARE you from further misery, heartbreak and despair.
Asking for opinions or advice doesn't always mean you are going to hear EXACTLY what you want to hear; that may or may not happen.
Strangers taking the time out to try and help you sort or figure this out is commendable in my opinion.
I would tell my daughter EXACTLY what I am telling you if she was in the same predicament.
Go back home and get the support you need from your OWN family to deal with this and not from this bf's family who could care less about you.
I don't appreciate that you don't realize i am trying to help you. I have been a schoolteacher for many years and I SEE firsthand what damage is done to children who have stressed out, immature and unstable mothers. I can judge you by what you write for us all to read. You asked for opinions and you got them. Childrearing is such a tremendous undertaking and responsibility, and the price is SO HIGH that I truly feel you must feel with all your heart that it is a passionate calling. I think too many people have kids simply because it's the thing you're supposed to do. And you got pregnant by accident!
Healthy children need abundant & constant love and affection; the estimate is that it takes almost eight hours a day to raise two children to the age of eighteen. Are you able to provide that? Specifically, it will mean less time for career, hobbies, friends, sleep, your marriage, or your own self-care. It’s also no secret that children are expensive. A conservative estimate is that it costs $220,000 to raise a child to the age of eighteen. Are you financially prepared for this? I doubt it.
Thank you anna for your advice, thank u for understanding. I'm just tryin all I can to see were this Will end up and with or with out him I Will still have my baby who Will love me no matter what. And for everyone else I don't appreciate your opions on weather or not I'm gonna be a mature well fit mother . That's not even your place to judge me. I know I Will be an amazing mother to my child. And I know the responsibilitys of rasing a child I wasent born yesterday. I know it ain't a easy job.
I just been letting my emotions get the best of me and its 10 times harder when u love someone and u feel so judged on not bein of there culture and religion.
And I know its all cause his family is pressuring him .
I know god Will get me thru this and give me the strength
This about you and your baby, noone else. Its up to you, not even the father of the child can make this decision for you. It seems however, that your mind is made up, good for you. His family wants you to abort the child for religious reasons, they are worried about the wrong thing. They are worried about what others think but when it comes to religion, there is only one person who you should focus on. I am sure he would prefer you to have that child if it based on religion.
Your boyfriend...hmmm. It seems to me like he needs to stand on his own two feet for a little bit. I understand that many children live their lives based on the plans their parents set out, but there is a baby involved, its a living thing. He needs to get his head together instead of listening to his family's constant nagging.
On the matter of you, I get it. Love can be really crippling. But there comes a point where there are more important things in life that needs immediate attention. You would need to put your fears aside and do what you know is best for you. If he tells you he doesn't want to settle after you two being together for so long, he doesn't sound too fabulous.
Anna
Shell921 and Adgal have made some very valuable points. Totally agree this is NO religious issue.
Get back home and get the help you need surrounded by your family.
Shell makes excellent comments. You cannot parent effectively if you do not make sure you are in a stable position to do so. Stop focusing on how to get him to change his mind, or enlisting others to help you do that. This is not a religious issue, it's just who he is, at least right now. There are so many resources available to you to get the help you need. Leave his sisters house, go home, and start getting therapy. This is overcomeable, but not until you make the conscious decision that you need help here. And she is so right about the prisons and hospitals - children not properly parented and nurtured have so many long term issues. I work in the area of social services, and trust me when I say I see the end result. It's not pretty.
adgal is right--time to move on you are behaving obsessively and stressing out over things you can not control. Would YOU want to have a mother like you if you were a baby waiting to be born into this world? Or would you want a mature, confident, non-stressed out mother? I don't think you should even attempt motherhood right now. You don't seem mature or stable enough. A child needs a mature & stable mother. Here in the USA we have our prisons and mental hospitals full of people who had lousey mothers.
Anxiety can be overcome. I had massive anxiety issues when my son was born. Full blown panic attacks. I actually think I am a pretty good parent despite battling anxiety, but it required support and I got help. Anxiety is a very real illness, and many of us require medication to deal with it. I did, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. But you are currently focusing all your energy on how to get this man and his family to accept you and your family. I'm going to be blunt...you cannot do anything to change their feelings. Who knows if they will come around down the road, but that cannot be your focus right now. You have to stop doing what you are doing, and the changes need to come from within you. Honey, what are you trying to accomplish by going to a Mosque? Is it to have them tell your bf that abortion is wrong? Is it to try to get his family to acknowledge this baby and accept you? You have to stop. If you are going to have a baby, and are intent on keeping it, you need to stop now, and you need to focus on helping yourself. You are bordering on obssessive with this guy. It's time to move on.
As some have already posted - the easy part of parenting is being pregnant! The hard work begins once the baby arrives. When you choose parenthood you take on a JOB that will last a minimum of 20 years--a job with
no pay, no days off and it's 24/7. And YOUR needs will now come last. Are you SURE you are up to this TASK? It's not easy - in fact, being a decent parent is THE MOST difficult job there is. And believe me it IS a job.
Well i dnt knw how things run there in US bt yes go to the nearest mosque or look for an islamic centre.chicago is a big city it shudnt be difficult finding one.
A fatwa is a religous verdict...almost like a court verdict. In an islamic country it would be part of the law if it was important but a muslim is obliged to follow it if he really is wanting TO Do The Right thing from islamic view point.and follow Gods word in whatever matter or problem he is looking an answer for.
search on the internet for an islamic centre in chicago. get a ruling according to the sect ur bf belongs to.
And for everyone else who commented..I would love to get some conciling I know I could benefit from it. And I don't have any anxeity EXCEPT for when I'm away from my bf but it goes away. I'm in Chicago right now staying at his sister in laws cause she said I can stay here for awhile. so I'm fine right now the only problem I'm having is trying to talk to him about it and make him agree with me . And now that I'm here its a little easier on me and the situation. And my mom and dad support me 100% and they would not let me EVER get an abortion or give it up for adoption.my moms already been buying me baby clothes even tho I dont know the gender yet lol and she's really excited and my dad talks to me everytime I feel depressed . I'm way stronger then I sound or am acting my ad says. But some therapy would do me some good to.
Thank you asiansky. So what exactly is a FATWA..what Will it do.? I Will be sure to look into that ..can I just go to a mosque or how do u find a Muslim scholar.? And what exactly is a Muslim scholar ?
Im really sorry to hear your situation. u seem to be a vulnerable person whose got stuck in a bad situation with ur relationship. I am a muslim and let me tell u abortion is a big sin in Islam.Killing any human without Valid reason or court decision is and abortion of a feotus???? a life which hasnt even come into being neither on ur faith nor ur husband-- HUGE MISTAKE
I dnt knw where ths situation will take u wether ur BF stays with u or nt but Open the Quran theres a vertse which clearly staes 'Do not kill ur offsprings for fear of hunger".....or go to a muslim scholar- a learned authentic renowned scholar near ur area and take a ruling it is called a FATWA. Ur Bf will nt be able to go anywhere frm there if he has an ounce of Musalmani in him!
U shud be able to find a good one in Chicago as it is a big city.
Totally agree with Shell921, Specialmom and RockRose.
You are definitely in need of some psychiatric help and tons of support to get you through this.
I hope you find your way dear.