Addict - Non Addict relationship

[STF]

I am not an addict but am in a relationship with one.  It is a new experience for me and I have much to learn.  
I've read as much as I can get my hands on but would still like to hear from people in the same situation.  
She is an amazing person and I want to gain as much insight as possible.

[marriedtolost]

I am not an addict of any sort, either. The thing I have discovered after being married to a pot addict for 12 years is that you can't really 'know' the person, if they are an addict because they don't know themselves.  I couldn't see this until this last year. I had realized in the 1st year of marriage, that he was very unmotivated. Never being a regular user of any substance other than coffee, i was unaware of what a pot addiction looked lkke. I couldnt wrap my.mind around how it affected him. If you are just getting into this relationship, think hard on it. There is nothing you can say or do that will make them see what they are doing to themselves.
After much of my own healing, I see that I still can't get him to realize how much his addiction affects our marriage.  If he is invested in pushing down his own feelings with pot, he is also invested in self-destruction. Then, he cant bring much to our relationship, since he has such a poor relationship with dealing with himself and his feelings. Anyways, if you are knowingly going into a relationship with an addict, I would think hard on it.

[Caromar]

I was in a relationship with an addict for over 3 years. He did not seek help until he hit rock bottom. I was there when it happened and helped him through it. He was hospitalized 3 days, I went every one of them to visit. We moved to a different town so he would not be close to dealers and places where he knew he could get the drugs. We never spoke again to his friends that were addicts. I kept track of all his new friends, what they did, married or not, drank or not. We both never drank not even a beer again, I did it for support not because I had an alcohol problem. Though we were extremelly poor we found activities to do on the weekends so he would be entretained, even if it meant digging worms from the backyard and going fishing. He went to NA meetings and I went to the wednesday one that was for family. He started smoking a lot more than he used to to calm down the anxiety. Though he stopped doing drugs his violent behavior did not change a whole lot as I had expected, he was still screaming at me and breaking things. Eventually I got tired of him and we broke up. Now he lives with another girl and drinks a lot but still clean from the drugs as far as I know.

[Judy246]

one more thought...I believe that if you love each other and if she is willing to get the help she needs to overcome the addiction, you should do everything you can to reassure her that you are there for her and support her through a very difficult trying time. As for me, looking back, I wish I would have been more patient, because addiction is an illness that needs to be treated and they are beyond their own actions if they would have been without the illness (I hope this make sense). I wish I would have let him hit rock bottom and help him get up and support him and be there for him, but stealing from my mother was the ultimate. Everyone's situation is different and an addict needs love, support and treatment. Hang in there....Judy

[Judy246]

I broke up with a man that was the love of my life, because of his cocaine addiction. He hit rock bottom and began stealing from my very home to support his addiction. Towards the end of the relationship, I would only see him when he would pick me up on payday and ask money. I'm not a very tolerant person and even though I loved him with my very life, I left him when my mother's neckless was missing from her room and he was the only one that came to visit me at the time. Someone with addiction has to hit rock bottom and want help, before someone can intervine. It's sad and they need love and help, BUT stealing from my mother proved to be unforgivable and I left the man that was the one.

[imanaddict]

Unfortunately there is no way you can prevent a relapse. In fact, relapse is actually a part of recovery, so you can probably expect it to happen. If it doesn't, even better, but odds are against her. I'm really glad to hear that she is in recovery though. That is a huge deal!

One way to try to help keep her clean is celebrating sober days, months, years, etc with her. Make it a holiday, buy a gift or card and let her know you are proud of her progress. Also, keep her spirits up when she gets down or depressed. That is usually the times an addict will relapse. Last, have her come to this site and go into the different forums. We have one for addiction (I lived on that forum for the first year) and relationships (as you can see) and for just about anything you can think of.

[slickgirl80]

Thanks for the response.  I should add, she has already quit.  She is in recovery and doing great.  I am trying to understand the process from here on out.  I don't want to enable or get in the way.  In sharing a life together, I want to be able to understand and help when she needs it.  

[imanaddict]

I have been there, except it was me who was the addict and my poor husband and children having to live in that world of pain. Until you understand addiction, please try not to judge her. The only thing you can do is support and help until she opens her eyes and makes the decision to quit. For me my wake up call was jail. Luckily I didn't go, but had quite the scare! There was NO ONE going to get me to stop, it had to be my call on my own time and it will the same with her. It's a long tough road and it will most likely get worse before it gets better. She will need to attend meetings and probably some individual therapy, along with couples counseling because there is usually an underlying reason behind the addiction (depression, loneliness, past traumas, etc). I have some journals posted up you may want to take a look at. It might just help you gain some insight on addiction.

I wish you the best and I hope your girlfriend will finally wake up and realize the world is so much better sober!