Addict boyfriend and 6 month old beautiful daughter

[lilpeanut261]

I dont know what to do, My boyfriend and me have been together for two years and he always used pain killers and then I got pregnant, he lost his job in march and it seem to get worse from the time I got pregnant until the time he lost his job.  The when he lost his job I was working 2 jobs 3 months pregnant and scared.  I love him so much, he decided the last week of june to go to a methadone clinic he did that and was good for awhile, but got sick of going to the clinic everyday so he went into a detox center to get off of the methadone and be what he says completely clean even though he was still smoking alot of weed and starting to drink again... now are child is 6 months old and she is a bit of a handful but of course I love her... I dont know what to do he is still unemployed and now is talking to old friends that he did drugs with and I know they continue to use perks and vicodin really any kind of pill they can get their hands on.  I nevr trust him and am actually putting the baby in daycare because I am worried if he does start using again (which I feel as though he already has) she is going to be around it or worse case scenerio he will be arrested and she will be with him because im at work.  We just got a new apartment and I can afford it on my own but with one income all the other bills are stressful and im tired...I feel like I love him enough to stand by him but I will never put my daughter through what I went through being as though I grew with an alcoholic father who has now been clean for several years but now my parents are struggling because of it still.... what do I do let him go or stay by his side both make me sad, I am depressed every day even tho I love him and my daughter so much....so confused, so lost, feel like in seconds everything could be taken away!

[lilpeanut261]

thank you, I have to do whats right for my daughter I guess I had to hear it from people that dont know me to really just know that it has to be done thanks for the advice.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I admire You!! and I wish You well.  

[lilpeanut261]

you are both right and im kicking his *** out...im done and numb

[TTinKKerBBell]

I understand addiction.  I grew up with it.  I am the daughter of an alcoholic Mother who never stopped drinking - slurring, hitting, swearing, falling down, passing out, drinking.

Addiction? Yes!!  Disease?  I doubt that.  To use is a "choice" - else what would that say for all those who quit??  It's as hard for those who quit as it is for those who "choose" not to quit.  Very, very hard - but do-able.  One has to WANT to quit MORE than they want to use.  Those who do quit struggle to do so but they are commited to make that change. To call it a "disease" is offering up excuses for using.  
You are not "failing" Him if You put Your foot down - Instead You're giving Him "choices" and if He wants to keep You and His Baby then You are also giving Him Incentive, Desire and Purpose for quitting.  By continuing to use HE is letting YOU down and His BABY!!  If You're in therapy You've learned about enabling - to stop enabling is not easy either as that too becomes "addictive behavior" - also not a DISEASE but a "choice".  At any time You can decide not to "participate" in this any longer.  That does not mean You don't love Him but instead that You love Him enough to insist that He care for HimSelf so that You can care for One Another AND Your Baby.

[specialmom]

I also wanted to tell you that there are other forums too here at med help that might have people that can give you advice----  living with an alcoholic is available along with others.  Go to the top of medhelp hit forums----  it will pull up a page and on the left side are the communities.  Look through them----  addiction communities, etc.  Lots of great people there that understand and support each other.  

[specialmom]

Well,  let me just say this.  When it comes to addiction, the sober person in the relationship has to make decisions.  Codependency is real and a very strong force.  I don't speak as someone that knows nothing about addiction or someone that hasn't had it affect me.  I actually have.  And I know that our btrain when we are codependent fights the urge to do what is necessary for a healthy life (and living with an addict is not healthy).  You will have a million reasons to stay and that is your choice.  But be honest with yourself about it.  It takes two people to keep the addict relationship going.  The addict and the person that lives with it.  One way to make an addict see how their choices are destroying their life is to allow them to experience the consequences.  Some will take that as the call to action to get and stay sober.  Some won't.  

You probably, if you haven't already, should start wtih al anon and attend these meetings.  

Understand that for MANY-------  addiction really IS a dealbreaker.  If you can understand why it would be---  that would be helpful for you to draw boundaries in your life.

If your boyfriend is your childcare provider-----  I do hope he isn't using while tending to your baby.  Understand that being high with a child is considered neglect.  

I certainly don't think it is easy to leave someone you love that is the father to your child and in some ways you've grown dependent on.  But the cycle of addiction is that his 'disease' will progress.  

And sadly, your child will internalize all the things that you did as a child and the cycle starts all over again.  It is unhealthy for a child to live in a home with an addict.  If your boyfriend gets help, gets sober, then I'm sure he'll be a great father.  Until then, his addiction damages everyone who loves him.  

What does your therapist say about this?  Are you able to be fully honest (asking that as I'm sure you have some fear of repercussions of their knowing about illegal drug use in your home.)?  

I feel for you.  I will tell you, I walked away from an addict.  Now, I can't imagine having that as part of my life.  It was years ago but a painful time none the less.  I wish you luck.

[lilpeanut261]

I understand where you are coming from but you make it sounds simple to just leave him, we have a child together and yes my parents are well but everyone works what am I supposed to do about child care...he does have umemployment money coming in and that helps with the bills that I have but it is mostly my pay that is paying for everything...when we met he was clean and he even stopped smoking cigarettes.... addiction is a disease not a deal breaker, I feel as though he is a great person when sober just life has been really rough for him and the DISEASE is hard to control...I dunno im pretty lost and yes I do have a therapist

[specialmom]

Oh goodness.  You've just recreated the situation you had as a child for your own child.  I'm sure you did it subconsiously and had you told me about this boyfriend earlier------------  I'd have begged you to get some therapy to stop the cycle, but that is a mute point now.

Well, not really.  You can still stop the cycle.  I think it is a better life for your child to be with you as a healthy single mom than living with an addict that doesn't function well (doesn't hold a job, goes out and parties, etc.).  

What exactly was attractive about this man to begin with?  

To me, addiction is a deal breaker.  But because you have hurts from your childhood, you've put yourself right back into that same kind of situation.  You deserve a better life with a full partner that is healthy.  An addict can't be a great partner.  Can't be a great parent.  They place their substance of choice (and a few others) above all else.  

My suggestion is to contact a family member----  is your mom healthy?  Do you have an aunt, sister, grandma, etc. that is not an addict and living a healthy lifestyle?  If so, contact them and ask for help.  You'll need someone to lean on a bit-----  but then leave this man.  If he decides to get clean and sober, you can talk about being together down the road.  But not now.

And if you can get to a therapist, I so recommend it.  You need to get the tools to stay strong and not tie yourself to unhealthy people.  good luck