Am I TOO jealous

[wanttofeelgoodagain]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years now.  Last summer, 6 months after we started dating he joined a softball team, I later found out he played on the same team with his ex-girlfriend, whom he dated for over a year and their relationship had just ended 3 months before we met.  I spent all last summer stressed out and upset, and sick every Wednesday.  We fought every week, it just bothered me.  Well, this year, he did it again.  Tonight, is there first practice and here I am all upset again.  The thing is I want him to play softball and enjoy it but I dont like it.  I have only talked to him once today and it was all fighting.  I am so angry and hurt all over again.  Am I just too jealous?  What is wrong with me?  I think the part that is making me angry is that he did it again with out asking me how I felt about it.  I just feel like my feeling dont matter to him.  Am I out of line to be hurt by this again?  thank you for your input.

[slow_healer]

If he's been playing for 3-4 years on the same team, I think that's a good basis for believing he's just there to play. It sounds like something he was committed to BEFORE and AFTER he met his ex-girlfriend. Why would that change with you? It's a real turn off to have to change your habits because you've met someone new.

I agree with the previous posters - get out there and see what it is for yourself. THEN decide whether you should be worried about this ex or not. Otherwise you are making mountains out of molehills.

Ask yourself where this paranoia is really coming from - have you been cheated on or left for another woman before?

[pertykitty]

if you want him to play and it doesnt bother you then there doesnt need to have been a discussion before he joined. you are contradicting yourself because you realize how stupid this sounds. he is going to the bars drinking after? is his ex there too? hmmm maybe you should just move on. if you are this jealous, and you refuse to go and be apart of it, i dont see a future. not if this happens every single summer. and i played softball last year for the first time in my life. i was 34. people came and cheered us on every game!! too bad you are missing out on so much

[wanttofeelgoodagain]

Thank you all for your input.  I want to make it clear, I want him to play, i don't want him to quit.  I did not mean that he should have asked me for my permission to join the team, I just think he should have condidered my feelings and discussed them with me prior to joining again, since it had  just a negative effect on our relationship last year.  If I felt like he made any effort to understand me and why I feel the way I do, i dont think i would feel hurt.  I have to be honest, I dont think he would ever go back with this girl or cheat on me, as far as I know we have a great relationship, but tht is why it bothers me so much that my feeling towards this event mean NOTHING to him.  I dont go to many of his games because by the time I get home from work, cook dinner and etc. I am tired after a days work and i get up at 530 every morning, so I try to go to bed at a decent hour.  Also, I am not a big fan of bars and that usually where they end up or they just sit around the field drinking beers and I am also not much of a drinker.  I think I am just a very sensitive person and he knows that about me so he should consider that in his actions.  "I have made my decison, that is it, deal with it."  Those are the words he used in reference to the situation, when I wanted to discuss it.

[taysmommy]

my husband plays in a basketball league with his friends (no girls) but i always go to his games, there is hardly any one at the games cheering them on (because they too are in their 30's) but he is always happy to have me go to the games and watch him, he was actually really disappointed the season i didnt get to go (dd was 2 weeks old)

i think he would love to have at his games, and i agree with everyone that you will get to cheer him on and check out how he interacts at the same time ...two bird with one stone!

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Either you trust him or you don't.  And if you don't get out of the relationship.

I agree with everyone who recommended you go to the games....and socialize with the team.  You don't have to do this all the time, but your bf should know he has your support.

And it could be worse.....I have to sit in a freezin' rink and watch hockey!!!  And nothing smells as bad as hockey gear.  

[misscloey]

Jealously gets you nowhere but in a state of panic and stress. If you are that unsure of your relationship then maybe you should not be in it. I think you are over reacting a bit, maybe you should be a little more supportive and go to his games and stop making something out of nothing. I am sure that he would appreciate seeing you there supporting him, instead of accusing him of something that is most likely not happening. He obvioulsy enjoys this team and playing softball, so he is going to do it, I don't know that he is overlooking your feelings though. Maybe he is constantly walking on eggshells with you no matter what the situation. You need to try to be more secure with yourself, nothing will drive a man away faster than a jealous girlfriend. Best of luck to you, please try to let it go and try to participate in his excitement of playing softball.          

[BearHitch]

I agree with the other posters, and I wonder if the underlying issue is that you just don't trust him there with his ex.  If this is the case, I would talk to him about it.  In addition, I agree with Rock Rose- go to the games and support him!  Who cares if there aren't a bunch of people there?  It shows that you aren't overlooking his feelings that you support the things he enjoys.  If you never brought it up to him in a civilized conversation where you openly and plainly stated that you had issues with him playing on the same team as his ex, he probably wouldn't know that was why you were fighting and- why should he ask you if he can play softball on the same team he has been playing on for 4 years?  I think you just need to talk to him about it and work out the trust / jealousy issue you have.  It could help by you being there and seeing how much more attention he gives you than her.  

[wanttofeelgoodagain]

Pertykitty- No, i dont play softball, so therefore would definitly not fit in with the team.

Rockrose- yes, I went to "A" last year.  There really arent a crowd of people standing around and cheering them on.  They are grown men, he is 30. The one game I went to , i sat with is mom, it was kind of funny really, being that he is 30 years old. Even if i went to the game, i would not go out withe team afterwards, and that may be the part that bothers me, i am not sure.  I just dont think a man should be hanging with his ex on a weakly basis.  He claims "but I am not with her I am with the rest of the team, she is just there to."  But it still bothers me.

[jd1419]

You need to let this go.  And why can't you go out with the team afterward.  I used to do this with my DH (boyfriend then).  That is how you get to know all the other girlfriends or boyfriends and the people he is friends with.  If he has been playing on this team for 3 or 4 years--you can not expect him to ask if it is okay with you to play ball.  A lot of these guys live for this sport.  I know my DH does--we just get the call when the first practice is--there is no discussion whether or not he is playing.  As the team gets older, they get married then the kids start coming and yes you may not go to a lot of games then--but then the kids do get to be friends.  Sometimes a softball team may just get together for the season or they become friends for years.  
My suggestion go to more games get to know the people and who knows you boyfriends ex mya just become a friend or at least a passing acquatance that you can feel a little esier around during the season.  You also may find out she has a new realtionship also that she is quite pleased to be in and has no intentions toward ex boyfriend other than being on good terms with him.

[pertykitty]

do you play softball? maybe next year you could join the team too. you need to go to the games though and not sit here complaining to us. i understand i really do, but if you dont go and be there for support, or just to see, there isnt anything anyone can do.

[freakin-natural]

yeah, i second the motion ;) thanks rockrose, that was astraight one. =)

[RockRose]

Are you saying you went to "A" game,  as in one single game last year?

Why aren't you at most of his games,  if you're that interested in how he interacts with her?   I would think most of the players have their partner there to cheer them on,  at almost all the games.

Go to the games,  girl!  Get involved, and see what's going on,  and interact with his friends and team members.

[freakin-natural]

You just want to feel secured with him.  Its normal, even we guys go through that too.  You dont want him to leave the team, SO i guess a sincere SORRY and I LOVE YOU from him would help you ease your feelings.  You said you're his only one, then stick with that belief, so that those negative emotions you feel would be gone.  dont let your relationship be destroyed by a small misunderstanding.  Maybe he thought it was ok for you thats why he did it.  and maybe he doesnt even care about his ex anymore that's why its a no  big deal for him may his ex be there or not.

[wanttofeelgoodagain]

There are lots of softball teams, however, he has played on this team for 3 or 4 years now.  It is a co-ed team and the year he was dating his ex, they needed more females or they would not be able to play, so he asked his girlfriend to join.  I dont think he remains friends with his ex's, he has not seen her since the season ended last year.   She know about me, I went to a game last year, she even came and introduced herself to me. I dont know why it bothers me so much, it just does and Iwish it didnt.  I have trid to make it stop but it doesnt.  Ithink what bugs me about this year, is that he knew how upset I was last year and he did it again, without asking me how i felt about it.  I tried talking to him about it but he says i should not feel the way i do.  We have been together for over a year and i am his only one.  I think he is both confident about our relationship and independent, but I still feel like he failed to consider my feelings AGAIN and i just cant let it go.  The thing is, I dont want him to quit the team, i dont know what i want out of all our fighting?  

[waitingwithhope]

I agree with the poster above--try not to stress about it. However, I do think he did over look your feelings. This may be a sign that in a relationship he is either a) really confident b) independent or c) he stays friends with exs and expects you to get over it. I think he should have tried to discuss your feelings about it with you, even if he was determined to join. Surely there are other softball teams out there for him? Or is this the only one around? It is possible that he could care less for this girl, but then again, he could be missing her company?? I would address your feelings with him, rather than his actual playing of softball. It is how you feel that he should be taking note of.

[freakin-natural]

No, don't be jelous and try to trust him.  His ex and him just went for 3 months, no contest there.. Try to relax and think of his game and not his ex coz that would be very taxing not just for your mind but for your body as well.  Think of this, if you would always fight him, and with his ex around, do you think that could help the matter.  Try to talk to him about your thoughts and glady open up. Don't feel insecure, you got your bf for yourself.  And even if he cheats or, what matter was you supported him and gave your ltrust.  =) god bless.