Aa
Am I a crazy girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now and for the majority of this time I have found myself getting very jealous over particular situations. When we first started dating, we were both still in college and we were both very busy with our own lives and such that I didn't really mind, in fact I was greatful for the times he was out doing his own thing (gave me time to get stuff done.). As our relationship progressed, I found my once very self-confident, assured self getting jealous over EVERYTHING. I would get upset when I saw that he had left comments to girls online (not even remotely flirty comments), I hated it when he looked at other girls, I always believed he was comparing me to his ex's and or other girls he might currently be around, I would get jealous if he went somewhere and a girl was there even if he was with his guy friends. To add to my jealousy I have asked him time to time why he liked me and what about me he liked and he was always slow to answer or said "i don't know".
Now I am in graduate school and have moved a bit over an hour away so we don't see each other as much as we once did. And last night he went to a friend's house with one of his guy friends (a girl's house) to play video games. This girl was recently divorced and is really, really into the same video games as my boyfriend. Well I wanted to talk with him before I went to bed so I called him and texted him only to be given quick answers or ignored. I became upset because i felt that he could have taken a minute out (he had been hanging out with them for around 9 hours at this point) to talk to me. We ended up getting in a huge fight. So my question is was I wrong to be upset? And is it bad that I am jealous of this girl?
Now I am in graduate school and have moved a bit over an hour away so we don't see each other as much as we once did. And last night he went to a friend's house with one of his guy friends (a girl's house) to play video games. This girl was recently divorced and is really, really into the same video games as my boyfriend. Well I wanted to talk with him before I went to bed so I called him and texted him only to be given quick answers or ignored. I became upset because i felt that he could have taken a minute out (he had been hanging out with them for around 9 hours at this point) to talk to me. We ended up getting in a huge fight. So my question is was I wrong to be upset? And is it bad that I am jealous of this girl?
I agree to disagree and no offense to anyone here, but, Jelousy is a very unhealthy, destructive emotion to where you can't only see negative and jelousy can lead to many distructive actions with some serious consequences afterwards. It's blinding, so it should not be normal in a relationship and avoided. Everyone has at one time or another felt jelous in their relationship, that is where we think it's normal, but if both parties in a relationship respect, trust and communicate it won't be an issue. Jelousy is a result of low self esteem, insecurity and fear of losing someone you love.
I agree with Caromar. It's not his job to make you feel secure. Now if you were in a committed relationship and caught him cheating and were working on rebuilding trust, then yes...he should jump through hoops to reassure you and prove to you that he is doing the right thing, being true to you, not doing something or being somewhere he should not be, etc. But if that's not the case, you really need to look within yourself and not count on him to constantly reassure you.
I don't think you should wait for a man to build your sense of security, or even your happines, actually if you are not secure, or you are not happy by yourself, you cannot be happy by another person...all this things come within, not from outside. Besides you said it, you were not jealous when you didn't had time, and now the only thing that has changed is that you have aaallll this time that you don't know what to do with, except try to be with your bf. Why not split that time, a little extra time with the bf and the rest to do something else that helps you!
jealousy is a normal emotion. even animals experience it. to me, if a man can't foster my sense of security and doesn't care to go through a few extra sweet words and i love you's from time to time to make me feel completely comfortable and loved and wanted, he's not worth having.
LOL! VicUser, you have it figured out! ;)
You received good advice, almosttomuch. Insecurity and neediness are not at all sexy or attractive in any way. Not at all.
You received good advice, almosttomuch. Insecurity and neediness are not at all sexy or attractive in any way. Not at all.
I think its all relative to the person reading your post...for example, Myown thinks you are not crazy and that if it bothers you so much to have a bf who has female friends you should find a nice man who doesn't enjoy female company. On the other hand I do think you're extreme when it comes to jealousy, I think its a matter of trust and self security, which evidently you do not have. I do not see anything wrong with your bf playing video games with his friends, and yes I said friends because actually friendship does not look at gender. Him having a female friend doesn't mean he is sexually attracted to her, for example, I have a male roommate, we are good friends, his girlfriend lives in another country, doesn't know me, but still she trusts both of us to do the correct thing, and we have, and it will always be just that, a friendship. My bf also doesn't mind at all that I have a male roommate/friend, he is confident enough in himself as to know that I will not go around looking for something else, that's exactly why he takes good care of me so that I am always 'focused' on him, and not on other guys. Through college all my friends except 3 were guys, from which one was my ex bf (became bf before friend) and not even once I considered having a relationship, further than a friendship, with any of my male friends. With so many guy friends I ended up being their personal wall to cry upon, it is easier for them to confide things like relationship stuff on their female bff than on their male best friend, and I can tell you most complaints come from the excesive jealousy of their gfs, yes jealousy in little doses can be good, they feel wanted and important, but it just takes a drop to make it WAY to much...and you my friend are a whole cup way too much! try not reading his posts to other girls, or try not being jealous for a week idk, just tone down on the jealousy, or if you see that you just can't tone down on the jealousy then you can do what Myown suggested and find a man who doesn't like women as just friends...though you do realize if he approaches a female you pretty much can discard the possibility of him talking to her out of friendship and can just start assuming that pretty much every female he talks to is a potential cheat...
I know you can stop being so jealous because you once were not jealous!! is just that you have too much time on your hands, so go find something to do, idk, karate, or belly dancing, whatever you prefer, find something that you enjoy, and that you can talk to him about. As Judy said, comunication is the key! and think about it, do you want a bf who is there all the time even when you don't want him near, or do you want a bf who is independent and doesn't get stuck under your skirt all day...there is always a trade off, with the independent one you might not spend as much time with as you would with 24/7 one. Think about it like a cat and a dog, dog you always have to be there, walk it, and clean after it, cat...if you are tired you don't have to walk it, it pretty much walks itself, yeah there's some cleaning after involved but its not daily as the dog, BUT the cat won't play with you unless it wants to or feels motivated by a treat :P
anyway, is late and I have finals tomorrow :) good luck!
I know you can stop being so jealous because you once were not jealous!! is just that you have too much time on your hands, so go find something to do, idk, karate, or belly dancing, whatever you prefer, find something that you enjoy, and that you can talk to him about. As Judy said, comunication is the key! and think about it, do you want a bf who is there all the time even when you don't want him near, or do you want a bf who is independent and doesn't get stuck under your skirt all day...there is always a trade off, with the independent one you might not spend as much time with as you would with 24/7 one. Think about it like a cat and a dog, dog you always have to be there, walk it, and clean after it, cat...if you are tired you don't have to walk it, it pretty much walks itself, yeah there's some cleaning after involved but its not daily as the dog, BUT the cat won't play with you unless it wants to or feels motivated by a treat :P
anyway, is late and I have finals tomorrow :) good luck!
sorry for the book I wrote:) but its a subject that interests me. You probably won't make it halfway thru. I don't blame you - its alot to read. haha
You might be over reacting, but maybe not, and in answer to your question - No, I do not think you are crazy at all.
But there is one way to solve your problem ,,,,,,IF you guys don't stay together for some reason,,, next time you meet someone,,>IMO< don't go beyond the first date with a guy who enjoys having female friends - being that worries you.
There are guys that are into being with their gf or wife 'only' and really don't enjoy other female companionship. So you WILL be able to find someone like that for sure IF you wanted to move on,and you feel this is bothering you too much being in this relationship. But in all honesty, I would try to work things out first because you are together 3 years, so thats a good sign in that you know he does care about you.
I am number one in my husbands life - and that is the only way it can be - period. He never had that type of relationship with women - the type where he would "hang out" with women for conversation. A woman to him was either a date, and if not a date, he's not interested in talking to girls in his leisure time - he would rather talk sports with his buddies.
I feel dating is when you let a guy be who he is and observe him and if you think you don't care for a man having female friends, then that is your own personal choice and nothing wrong with that. Not that you have to tell a guy who he is to be friends with, instead, you just look for a guy who doesn't care to chit chat with women unless he is dating that woman.
There are many men out there that do not care to be conversing with females except for the one they are in a relationship with.
No way would my husband be interested in talking to women all the time. He finds subject matter of most women boring he says. I guess he wouldn't mind talking with a woman who enjoys sports because I don't like sports - only liked hockey, but lost interest cause he doesn't like it that much. But anyway, my H never has looked to hook up to have conversation with women to talk sports either, so its just not his thing to have female friends and to tell you the truth, I'm glad.
So the answer is easy as far as I am concerned - as I mentioned - A women checks out the guy before they date or on the first date and then they know whether they like what they see or not see.
Who are his friends you have to ask yourself? That tells a lot about someone.
Even the male friends a guy has - are they in healthy relationships with their wives or gf's. A woman has to look at the relationships their bf had prior also. My husband wasn't the type to want to stay in long relationships at all, so that had me concerned, but he said it was only because he didn't find anyone he really liked enough to be with except this one girl he met when he was 18. I think he loved her, but I don't know nor do I care because he tells me he can never picture his life without me, nor can he ever picture loving anyone more than me. Not to sound like an ego, I am only saying that because I do want single women to know there are really nice men out there - I don't have the only one. Men get a bad rap sometimes and I think its unfair.
Okay back to the drawing board again:)..I personally feel "some" men like the attention they get from females and thats why they like female friends. I would rather have a guy who focuses totally on me and that only likes the attention he gets from me, in that - that makes him happy and he doesn't crave attention from other females - and thats what I have with my husband. I am his world. It can't get any better than that.
Btw, not saying that your bf is not a nice guy.
Just giving my opinion in general - certainly not saying my opinion is correct - but it works for me.
The person my husband is today - is no where what he was when he was your bf's age. I didn't know him in his 20's, but no way would I have gone beyond the 1st date from what he has told me about himself, but he grew up - not saying there weren't a few things we had to work thru early on when we met though.
So anyway,look at the great guy I would have missed out on if I would have met him back when he was in his 20's, cause I know I would not have gone beyond the 1st date. So it is hard to figure out sometimes when you are young. Its a hard call. You don't want to break up with your bf if he is a good guy, but you also don't want to be with someone you are not able to trust with all your heart.
Some men are the extreme and go to their grave being a womanizer (not saying your bf is a womanizer). And a woman has to make sure thats NOT the reason their husband or bf hangs out with females.
I've seen instances where female contact turns into affair on top of affair. Its the internet so I won't reveal who I am talking about. I will just call him "Dad.":) Yeah, it was not a fun atmosphere growing up in and I knew that before I got married to my husband I had to have confidence that my husband loved me more than life itself. And no doubt in my mind he does.
Its very hard at the young age you are at because some men turn out to be absolutely wonderful in every way, yet in their 20's its not always evident who they will be down the road. And some guys never get their fill of women and that is evident if you still see a guy playing around when he is getting up in years...
If my father didn't get sick in his late 60's he would have never quit his games, I am sure. But if anything good came out of the sadness he caused, I have good radar for choosing a husband.:)But funny thing is, my father was very good at covering his tracks, it was the women who always let the cat out of the bag.
Just as with Tiger - they all felt they were ~special~ I guess, but to dear ole daddy dearest, they were just "common you know what('s)" - which in that respect he was right. And some women of today think that has all changed and men don't view women that way, if they are "loose", but actually "they do", and "they are."
And again, I'm not saying that your bf is doing anything wrong - he might be totally faithful, but who's to know - you can only go by what you see or don't see at the moment. And if he is on the wild side - latter on down the road, he could change and be the most faithful man any woman could want, but that doesn't help at the moment. It's a tough call sometimes.
So follow your heart - maybe you are overreacting or maybe you are feeling you are not sure about him - but I do wish you the best. Lots and lots of great guys out there, no woman needs to be unhappy or unsure about the guy they are dating. Plenty of fish in the sea - good catches too, just throw back the ones that are not good, its simple, not complicated at all.
Sorry that I 'strayed' ~a bit~ :) from your question, but I always do.
And also, you have to remember that in life we all view things thru the lense of what we have experienced in life. Some of us turned things for the good and some of us have trouble getting beyond our own pain, so don't take my advice or anyone elses for that fact - weigh it all, and pray actually too because we all make wrong choices sometimes and the person you chose to share your life with is something that people take much too lightly sometimes because they figure they can get out of their wrong choice if necessary. But any relationship - even ones before marriage, if they go on beyond a year or so, maybe even less time, it affects you if it doesn't work and can leave pain somewhere deep at times, so think about it all, don't move too quickly in either direction. You don't want to lose a good guy but you don't want to stay with a guy you are not sure of. Find out for "sure" who he really is - on the inside - before you make any decision.
Good luck,
MO
But there is one way to solve your problem ,,,,,,IF you guys don't stay together for some reason,,, next time you meet someone,,>IMO< don't go beyond the first date with a guy who enjoys having female friends - being that worries you.
There are guys that are into being with their gf or wife 'only' and really don't enjoy other female companionship. So you WILL be able to find someone like that for sure IF you wanted to move on,and you feel this is bothering you too much being in this relationship. But in all honesty, I would try to work things out first because you are together 3 years, so thats a good sign in that you know he does care about you.
I am number one in my husbands life - and that is the only way it can be - period. He never had that type of relationship with women - the type where he would "hang out" with women for conversation. A woman to him was either a date, and if not a date, he's not interested in talking to girls in his leisure time - he would rather talk sports with his buddies.
I feel dating is when you let a guy be who he is and observe him and if you think you don't care for a man having female friends, then that is your own personal choice and nothing wrong with that. Not that you have to tell a guy who he is to be friends with, instead, you just look for a guy who doesn't care to chit chat with women unless he is dating that woman.
There are many men out there that do not care to be conversing with females except for the one they are in a relationship with.
No way would my husband be interested in talking to women all the time. He finds subject matter of most women boring he says. I guess he wouldn't mind talking with a woman who enjoys sports because I don't like sports - only liked hockey, but lost interest cause he doesn't like it that much. But anyway, my H never has looked to hook up to have conversation with women to talk sports either, so its just not his thing to have female friends and to tell you the truth, I'm glad.
So the answer is easy as far as I am concerned - as I mentioned - A women checks out the guy before they date or on the first date and then they know whether they like what they see or not see.
Who are his friends you have to ask yourself? That tells a lot about someone.
Even the male friends a guy has - are they in healthy relationships with their wives or gf's. A woman has to look at the relationships their bf had prior also. My husband wasn't the type to want to stay in long relationships at all, so that had me concerned, but he said it was only because he didn't find anyone he really liked enough to be with except this one girl he met when he was 18. I think he loved her, but I don't know nor do I care because he tells me he can never picture his life without me, nor can he ever picture loving anyone more than me. Not to sound like an ego, I am only saying that because I do want single women to know there are really nice men out there - I don't have the only one. Men get a bad rap sometimes and I think its unfair.
Okay back to the drawing board again:)..I personally feel "some" men like the attention they get from females and thats why they like female friends. I would rather have a guy who focuses totally on me and that only likes the attention he gets from me, in that - that makes him happy and he doesn't crave attention from other females - and thats what I have with my husband. I am his world. It can't get any better than that.
Btw, not saying that your bf is not a nice guy.
Just giving my opinion in general - certainly not saying my opinion is correct - but it works for me.
The person my husband is today - is no where what he was when he was your bf's age. I didn't know him in his 20's, but no way would I have gone beyond the 1st date from what he has told me about himself, but he grew up - not saying there weren't a few things we had to work thru early on when we met though.
So anyway,look at the great guy I would have missed out on if I would have met him back when he was in his 20's, cause I know I would not have gone beyond the 1st date. So it is hard to figure out sometimes when you are young. Its a hard call. You don't want to break up with your bf if he is a good guy, but you also don't want to be with someone you are not able to trust with all your heart.
Some men are the extreme and go to their grave being a womanizer (not saying your bf is a womanizer). And a woman has to make sure thats NOT the reason their husband or bf hangs out with females.
I've seen instances where female contact turns into affair on top of affair. Its the internet so I won't reveal who I am talking about. I will just call him "Dad.":) Yeah, it was not a fun atmosphere growing up in and I knew that before I got married to my husband I had to have confidence that my husband loved me more than life itself. And no doubt in my mind he does.
Its very hard at the young age you are at because some men turn out to be absolutely wonderful in every way, yet in their 20's its not always evident who they will be down the road. And some guys never get their fill of women and that is evident if you still see a guy playing around when he is getting up in years...
If my father didn't get sick in his late 60's he would have never quit his games, I am sure. But if anything good came out of the sadness he caused, I have good radar for choosing a husband.:)But funny thing is, my father was very good at covering his tracks, it was the women who always let the cat out of the bag.
Just as with Tiger - they all felt they were ~special~ I guess, but to dear ole daddy dearest, they were just "common you know what('s)" - which in that respect he was right. And some women of today think that has all changed and men don't view women that way, if they are "loose", but actually "they do", and "they are."
And again, I'm not saying that your bf is doing anything wrong - he might be totally faithful, but who's to know - you can only go by what you see or don't see at the moment. And if he is on the wild side - latter on down the road, he could change and be the most faithful man any woman could want, but that doesn't help at the moment. It's a tough call sometimes.
So follow your heart - maybe you are overreacting or maybe you are feeling you are not sure about him - but I do wish you the best. Lots and lots of great guys out there, no woman needs to be unhappy or unsure about the guy they are dating. Plenty of fish in the sea - good catches too, just throw back the ones that are not good, its simple, not complicated at all.
Sorry that I 'strayed' ~a bit~ :) from your question, but I always do.
And also, you have to remember that in life we all view things thru the lense of what we have experienced in life. Some of us turned things for the good and some of us have trouble getting beyond our own pain, so don't take my advice or anyone elses for that fact - weigh it all, and pray actually too because we all make wrong choices sometimes and the person you chose to share your life with is something that people take much too lightly sometimes because they figure they can get out of their wrong choice if necessary. But any relationship - even ones before marriage, if they go on beyond a year or so, maybe even less time, it affects you if it doesn't work and can leave pain somewhere deep at times, so think about it all, don't move too quickly in either direction. You don't want to lose a good guy but you don't want to stay with a guy you are not sure of. Find out for "sure" who he really is - on the inside - before you make any decision.
Good luck,
MO
LOL, questions for a guy like "what do you like about me" or "why do you love me" is a no win question and you gals know it. If we say you have a smoking hot body, your response is "oh is that all I am to you, a sex object" if we say you have pretty eyes and a great personality then we hear "what you think my a$$ is too fat"?
Don't be your own worst enemy. You love his soooo much that you fear losing him and this has resulted in you being very insecure and can also cause a dysfunctional relationship and has destroyed relationships. The foundation of a healthy relationship is communication and trust. If you are insecure and threatened by this girl then discuss the issue like adults and tell him you are uncomfortable when you are with other women that are not you and would appreciate if he would take your feelings into consideration to avoid problems. There is no reason for him to be over there and alone with her in the first place. That's common sense and tell him, it bothers you and you want him to take care of it. Who knows maybe this girl has no idea of your feelings or has her own issues and you might be judging her unfairly. Put it in his hands to handle the situation and respect you and the relationship. You also need to start trusting him. If he is going to be unfaithful, he is going to do it anyway, so give him the benefit of the doubt and start trusting the guy, until he proves otherwise. Good Luck, Judy
If you are not engaged or to be married, you have no ties to him, 3 years is a long time do you think this relationship is going somewhere think about these things before wasting more time on him luck jo
The biggest turnoff to a guy is a girl with no confidence. I know myself I would probably be a tad bit jealous as well but until he does something to break that trust than there is no reason why you should be so jealous. I know my fiance hates when I ask him questions like "why do you love me?" or "what is it about me that you like?". He looks at me like I have 3 heads. Not because he doesn't really know why, just because he would rather poke his eyes out with sharp metal objects than have those types of conversations. Most men don't really like to have relationshipy type of conversations. Your insecurity is going to drive him away. I suggest you focus on yourself and getting your degree and pick and choose your battles with your boyfriend. I'm not saying that you shouldn't express to him when something makes you uncomfortable and I believe he should respect your feelings. If you don't like the fact that he's going over to a divorced woman's house to play video games for 9 hours than tell him and if he insists on going than you have to re-evaluate your relationship and how much he wants to be in it. The one thing I will say though, the more you force someone to not do something, the more they will want to do it. So if you come out and say to him you don't want him going, he will go out of spite. If you tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and how would he feel if you went over to some guy's house to hang out all day. I do believe there are boundaries in any relationship. Good luck.
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