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Am I being unreasonable about the ex wife?

I have been dating a caring and gentle man for the past seven months and we moved in together two months ago.  He was married for 14 years and has been divorced for two.  They have two children, the oldest with special needs.  They were divorced due to continual infidelity on her part. I was warned in the beginning that the ex wife was difficult to deal with and hateful.  She immediately began laying down rules concerning the children when he had visitation and constantly calling wanting to know where they were, were they with me, what we were doing, stating I was not allowed to be present in the car when they were brought home from visitation. I hung in there despite my desire to run because he is such a good person.  The "rules" have pretty much stopped but the daily phone calls and texts continue.  They always start out with some trivial issue concerning the kids and end up with her screaming about all she believes he did wrong through their marriage.  I have asked him to avoid any unnecessary contact because it interferers with what little time we have together since his job requires him to travel.  He says he understands my feelings but feels he always needs to answer because "what if something was wrong with one of the kids".  It is clear to everyone around him that she does this in an attempt to control him, but he doesn't see it as control.  I love him so it bothers me a great deal when she berates him and he takes it in silence.  He says two wrongs don't make a right, but being the out spoken person I am I have a difficult time with it.  I don't want to make a decision I will regret either way.  Any advice?
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145992 tn?1341345074
I have to agree with all of the advice you've received.  Let me break it down.  My husband has an ex-wife who is severly controlling and emotionally draining.  She has been a thorn in his side since even before I stepped into the picture.  She has successfully manipulated their daughter away from us.  We haven't seen her in a year.  But I will talk about how we dealt with her when we did.  He would only have conversations with her that pertained to his daughter.  If she wanted to discuss anything else, the conversation ended.  It also would end if she went into a yelling fit about something she felt he did wrong.  Communication is important but not when it is *** for tat.  There's ways to speak to eachother as adults.  

Now on the flip side.  She's been in his life for 14 years and is the mother to his children.  That role you will need to respect.  But you have to understand, you just came into his life and you've already went in on warp speed.  Whether or not they were apart for 2 years before you have come into the picture, you are new to the kids' life and to hers as well.  She has to get to know you and so do the children.  I'm sure she is concerned with how this will affect the kids and I'm sure she is a bit insecure with the position you will hold in her their lives and in her ex's life.  That's normal.  Maybe one day you and her can sit down and have a conversation.  You can tell her that you would like to be able to all get along and you are not looking to overstep your boundaries and maybe you two can get to know one another.  Who knows, she may wind up liking you.  If after that, she's still acting nasty or controlling, well that's up to your boyfriend to handle that.  I would stay out of their issues.  It's up to him to set boundaries.

Hope that helps a bit.  Coming into a blended family situation is tough but it is doable.  

Good luck.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just want to comment that I think both Londres and Tinkerbell make good points.  One thing I'd like to say though is that as a parent------- daily discussions about what is going on with my child seems totally normal----  no matter what.  Two parents that are no longer married but get along should communicate regularly and as a parent-------- if my child was in the care of the other parent, I'd WANT to know what was happening and be contacted frequently.  I would keep me connected to the kids and in the know.  I can't even imagine only being included in daily issues with my kids once a week at pick up.  Parenting is a 24/7 job and just because parents divorce-------- it doesn't mean it shouldn't still be on your mind when you aren't with the kids.  Ya know?  

Daily discussions on the relationship that is over-------  yuck.  No thanks and that he should start redirecting if she wants to lament about that.

I will tell you from my years of dealing with couples that have divorced and have kids------ the best scenario is when the parents choose to be friends and share custody and communicate frequently.  Best for kids, sure.  But . . . best for the adults invovled.  Lots lots less stressful for them.  They don't have guilt.  They don't feel resentful.  If the other finds a significant other, keeping a friendship with all parties is the best scenario.  Not so much like "hey, let's have lunch" but to know you are working as a team for the benefit of one blended happy family.  Basically, any ex wife is now part of your family too if you take the role of step parenting seriously.  To have that relationship be stressful is a hard road to go for sure.  

Now, it often ends up this way.  And hey, there are legitimately a lot of nutty ex's out there.  But whenever there is strife on that end-----  it usually turns out to be a chronic issue for a couple that surfaces over and over.  

That is why the advice to accept it just as it is now (which is worst case scenario) or decide that the WE that is him and all his baggage isn't what you had in mind for the rest of your life.  

But I do want to point out that if I ever divorced my husband or he me-----  gosh.  I would want to talk to him about the kids frequently and hope he would be interested in the conversation.  My husband loves our boys and wants to know now . . . I would hope that wouldn't ever change.  And with the special needs child, the only other person that understands the pain (and beauty) of that is my husband.  (well, and maybe an army of moms I've now met with special needs kids . . . we all relate to that. But my husband is the one that LOVES the same kid I do.)

I agree with Londres's second last paragraph.  If you love him, then hang in there and see what happens.  It could get better.  But I would find a way as well to be at peace with the relationship he has to have with his ex.  

good luck dear.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Oh yeah, the ex.  I had to deal with this myself.  After 2 years of marriage it is way better than in the beginning.  All the drama pretty much is an all-time low.  My husband's ex used the children as "little messengers."  She was also calling about stupid stuff,  etc.  I let my husband deal with her and stayed out of it.  I did voice my increasing dislike for this, but understood this comes with the territory.  He made it clear that she should only sms/call for emergencies only and that other issues should wait until he comes to pick up the children for visitation.  I never went with him to pick the children up because I didn't want any "drama."  I have never met her and she has never met me.  It works for us.

Well, he was honest and decent to warn you about what could happen with his ex as well did my husband.  So kuddos for that.  

Unfortunately, sounds like this ex is not liking the idea of her ex moving on with someone.  Plus, she has NOT resolve issues from the time they were married.  Whether she is being over protective of the children, I am not really buying that because you have stated her conversations go from something trival about the children to a "yelling and screaming" freenzy about what he did and didn't do during the marriage.  

My advice, let him handle this ex.  He knows her better that you do.  Not to say you can't vent your frustration to him, but let him handle this.  It might not be how you would handle it, but......  He can't control her behavior, but he can make boundaries with her and should in regards to calls, texts, etc.  I can see his point of view stating "two wrongs don't make a right."  I interpret this as "No use two people being stupid and silly."  I too am more outspoken than my husband.  He is definitely no "push-over" but prefers to not get into "yelling matches" and all that nonsense.  It is incredible how composed he can be.  He may not be verbal but he sure is a "doer."  He takes care of the situation with mostly action and few words.  

Sounds like she is just a difficult person that MUST have her way.  This will all lessen over time in my opinion, but when,  I don't know that.  

I don't know what kind of disability this child has or the reason why she needs to call everyday as she has the children with her.  If it so overwhelming or difficult she needs to seek therapy to help her to cope or give custody to her ex.  I don't get the daily calls and/or texts especially to "yell and scream" about their PAST marriage.  

You can PM if you to talk more in detail.  

This is coming from someone who has been in your "EXACT" shoes except no special needs child.  

It is more she has a problem and not the children.    

Are you willing to hang in there and see what happens?  If you love him, do that.  
I know mine was worth it.    


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Avatar universal
It is what it is.  You MUST be willing to accept this OR move on.  You've chosen a Man who was previously married and has Children.  The Children Come First.  You cannot enter this already established picture and wish for it to be different.  If You want "different" You need to find a Man who doesn't already have Children.  ANY Man who already has Children has an ex wife to deal with (probably forever - as there will be Graduations, Weddings, GrandChildren, etc., etc.)  When You marry a Man with this kind of previous history, You are also marrying the ex-wife!!  Truely!! when there are Children, she does not just disappear!!

You begin Your post stating that He is a "gentle and caring man" (which probably has much to do with Him tolerating "continual infidelity" as long as He did!!).  Don't forget that this is a trait ("gentle and caring") that You admire about Him - this is VERY IMPORTANT!!  The "problem" here seems to be about who SHE is, not who HE is - DON'T TRY TO CHANGE WHO HE IS - remembering all the while, that's what You admire about Him -  and we all know You certainly cannot change her.

You may wish for it, but You have no right to ask Him to have "minimal contact" when He has Concern for His Children.

You MUST, you REALLY must, take this situation the way it is OR make another choice for how to spend Your life.  To try to "change" this already existing situation is to only cause grief for EveryOne - You, Him AND the Children.

This is Heavy Duty stuff.  Give it MUCH contemplation.  Good Luck to You.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well,  here is the deal.  They have kids together which makes them entwined for eternity.  Better for him and the kids to keep that relationship kosher and cordial.  This is not to say that one can't have boundaries with an ex.  

I have a special needs child.  It does mean a different kind of parenting and worry that can be intense.  It is a difficult life raising a child with special needs and it turned our house upside down.  It is not bad------- but at times it is intense.  Many --------  MANY ---------- marriages do not make it through when a special needs child enters the picture because it can be very stressful and patterns can form that ruin a marriage.  You often have one hyper responsible parent and another that says it will all be fine.  They begin to resent one another.  I've been lucky that my husband is on the exact same page as me with our child and we work together.  It has made us closer to help him along and do what needs to be done for him.  So----- what I am trying to say is -----  this picture is MUCH bigger than just you.  Your boyfriend deals with the emotion of a special needs child and the worry that goes along with that as well as the other child.  This means that he may not want to rock the boat with a difficult ex wife who happens to be their mother.  

Honestly, I get that.  I respect him for it.  He is saying his kids are that important to him that he will endure her bs.  

Now, it is for you to decide if you can deal with it.  Sometimes a person brings along too much baggage for us to have a peaceful relatinship with them.  This could be the case.  If he comes to the conclusion on his own that he doesn't want to play along as it has been----  then so be it.  But if you try to force it----  that could backfire on you.  It is HARD to date/live with/marry a man with kids from another relationship.  Sometimes it works out great and sometimes it brings a lot of stress on you.  So, I'd assume things wouldn't change and think if you can deal with this stress or even want to.  Sometimes it is better to move on.  That is for you to decide.

One other thought-----  you haven't been together for very long.  Moving in together after 5 months is quick and may be too soon for the mother to feel comfortable with you and the kids.  I tend to be that way myself-----  and it is hard in the situation with ex's  because the mom or dad gets no say in this new person that is going to be in their kid's lives.  In every other way, we protect our kids and learn who their friends are and get to know their parents, etc.  But in this-----  it is blind faith that our ex has chosen a good person that will be with our kids.  For me, this takes some time to trust someone with my most precious things---- my kids.  So, this part could get better as time goes on as she gets more and more familiar with you and trusts you.  

It's hard to blend families.  I hope it works out for you.  Peace.
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