Am I controlling

[Shannon181215]

Me and my partner have been together for 6 months Saturday and recently he's told me I'm controlive however 3 months into the relationship he started talking to his ex and says he still loves her it took a lot of time and effort to build that trust back up and recently I found out he's talking to aniotjer girl and think he's going to do It again I've spoken to him and He said their just friends is this me being insecure or controlive ? He also takes slot of weed which I'm not to keen on as I feel he picks that over meee

[Londres70]

Smoking weed, was in contact with his ex and now he is talking to another girl who he claims is just a "friend."  Does he have any good qualities?  I just can't understand why you would want to continue this?  I am sure he is calling you controlling because you are questioning what he is doing.  He doesn't like you trying to call him out on his behavior, which isn't good.  He doesn't sound like he is interested in keeping this relationship.  He's already looking for others to move on to while with you, e.g. the "friend."

[AnnieBrooke]

In my experience, the most common time that boyfriends label their girlfriends "controlling" is when they are withdrawing (emotionally or all the way) from the relationship.  The girlfriend senses it but the boyfriend won't admit it, and labels her an insulting name so he doesn't have to confess he is emotionally not all there.  Good luck to you, I'd say your guy is not a good boyfriend for you because at the very least there is a mis-match of how much you need from him compared to what he wants from you.

[Nighthawk61]

I think the most concerning point you've made is that he's into smoking weed, and you're not keen on it. If it bothers you, then this often becomes a deal breaker. If you try to make him feel guilty about it, he will resent you. If you try to take him away from it sometimes, yes, he might consider that controlling. Many people smoke weed as a means of coping with anxiety long term,  or they use it socially as others use alcohol to unwind and socialize.  If this bothers you and it's essentially deeply ingrained in him, then there can be no acceptance, on either of your parts. That's a problem. If you can't accept him smoking weed, and he is a zealot as many are, There will be no rest to the feelings that you are accepting something you don't like, and he's accepting your dislike. The fact is that you'd be happier with a man that didn't smoke weed, and he's probably be happier with a women that did have that in common. It's like trying to put a square peg, into a round hole. It doesn't fit together.
You've said he was talking to his ex, and i take it now he is not. But he loves her, as a friend. There's a chance that he is talking to her anyway or that he might in time. If he has stopped his friendship with her, then either it means that he knows his feelings for his ex were wrong, and if his feelings were wrong, does that mean that he is suffering from unrequited love, in that, his ex left him and he would take her back.? That's another problem.
The fact that he talks to women and relishes developing relationships personally with women might be another deal breaker for you. My late husband literally had hundreds of friends, many of them women. My current husband does not. It suits me that he doesn't ,, It suits me , it's comfortable for me to and it feels secure for me, in our lifestyle that he doesn't bother to spend any of his socializing with women friends. I know where he's going, and I like the fact that his friends are mostly old friendships. It's not right or wrong. It is just what makes me most comfortable.
You have to make a list of what type of man that you want to be closely associated in a romantic relationship with and what type of guy and what habits specifically that keep you in your comfort zone.
No, i don't think you're controlling, i think that you find this relationship a strain on a few levels, and that's not ideal. Would he invite you out to meet up with this new girl that he's meeting? or is he interested in making friendships with women where you are not invited ? That would just bug me to no end. That would not fly.

What flies with you what doesn't fly ? Get to know what you want, and make sure you get it. You only have one life to be happy. For every man out there that is stressing to you, there is another out there that would be relatively stress free.  Are you the type to stick with the first relationship, or take a chance on that great guy that doesn't smoke dope and has mainly male friends, which is often the way it is with men, Maybe even more of the "norm"

I agree, back off and think about this. The goal in life is to be COMFORTABLE. not to have to change your ideals to make a fit,  or change another to fit you.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  How quickly did you two become an official 'couple' after you started dating?  Sometimes people skip the period of getting to know you and become boyfriend/girlfriend right away.  Then there is a lack of true foundation and things fall apart.  Could you two have gotten too close too soon?  Just wondering as that makes issues harder to deal with when there is no foundation to back it up.

So, he talks to his ex and said he still loved her.  And you forgave him.  It sounds like at that time, he was still in the getting to know you phase and you were in the you are my soulmate phase.  Does that make sense?  If you were further progressed in emotional attachment to him than you, it was risky to keep giving this your whole heart at that time.  

And now, 6 months down the road, he's feeling a bit smothered.  Still the them of his not being as attached to you as you are to him.  I can't tell you if you are or are not controlling based on this post----  but it sounds like he says so and in his mind you are---  so my input on that probably wouldn't be helpful any way.

Here is my BEST advice.  It's hard to do but . . .  you need to back of a bit.  Clinging too tightly never holds anyone.  You need your own life, your own friends, your own hobbies and do things without him and understand he can do things without you.  If worst case scenario ===  he cheats---  better to know NOW when the relationship is new and just getting under way.  You are supposed to be judging him at 6 months as to whether or not he's a keeper.  That's dating and important.  Most people we date in life are not long term keepers.  Maybe this guy will turn out to be but you have to give him enough rope to hang himself.  :>)  Or prove that he's a keeper.

So, reinvest time in yourself---  go out with some friends, go see your family without him,  throw yourself into work or exercise, go explore your hobby and just force yourself to back off and give him some space.  good luck