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Am I overreacting?

I've been with my fiance for 7 years. I dont care if he watches porn or that he has a ton stashed "secretly" on his phone. What has upset me, is a photo album dedicated to one model, and the album is called "yo". She is literally everything I am not and it has made my stomach twist in knots. He doesnt have an album of me, he doesnt have many photos of me on his phone at all. Am I over reacting getting this upset about this? I just feel like I cant be good enough for him as I won't ever be able to look as good as this woman does.
2 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
You would want a guy who has a lot of porn images of women stored on his phone to have an album of you on his phone? I don't know if that would really qualify as a compliment. If he sees these women's roles as display for prurient viewing, you really want to be in their company? You say she's "literally everything you are not"? Yes, she's someone who poses naked in porno shots, so men can look at her and think of her as body parts. And you are not.

In fact, it seems pretty usual for a guy to watch the occasional sleazy thing, but keeping lots of it around to look at over and over? For me that would make me wonder, how boring is his life, and how insecure does he feel about himself? I'd re-think a relationship with that kind of guy.
5 Comments
I love him, and its one album of this one specific woman thats upset me, men watch porn all the time, but its the fact its one woman with a whole folder.

Im not saying I would necessarily want a folder of me on his phone, but the fact that this man says he wants to marry me and yet has no photos of me but an album of some stranger?
I still think you're mixing up the purpose of porn (to dehumanize women in order to get one's jollies off thinking of them as vessels for one's genital action) and the purpose of him holding your photo next to his heart because he loves you. You're comparing two things that are not the same.
In other words, despite the sexual nature of what men do with it, porn is very impersonal ... a guy  is using the images to easily gratify his sexual urges without much effort and no emotional involvement. That is nothing like his intention when he asks a woman to be his wife.
First of all, pictures of naked women isn't porn.  It's pictures of naked women.  Unless the definition has expanded a lot porn is watching video or pictures of people having sex or performing sex or pretending to perform sex on themselves.  Now, I'm a guy, so I'll give one guy's perspective (keep in mind, I'm an old guy).  Pretty much every guy I've ever known used to subscribe to Playboy or other magazines that had photos of naked women in them.  Pretty much every woman looked at pictures of half-naked celebrity men.  Pretty much everyone, man and woman, looks at models of women and men scantily dressed in advertisements for bikinis, cut-offs, bare midriffs, men with their shirts off and six packs.  Humans like to look at sexy people and imagine having sex with them and masturbating to them and fantasizing about them.  I'm not sure I see the difference between an album of photos of a woman and keeping a Playboy because a photo in it really turns you on.  This notion that doing this dehumanizes women (or men) is sometimes true and sometimes not true.  It depends not on liking to look at attractive people and fantasizing about having sex with them but on how one thinks about men or women.  Say there's no photo -- most of us also picture someone in our heads, maybe even someone we used to have sex with.  We carry that around with us all the time and don't need a photo to access it.  Unless you want a guy who has no sexuality, and unless you have no sexuality, this stuff is going to happen one way or the other.  My wife would much rather have sex in her head with Brad Pitt than with me, but she isn't going to get that opportunity.  It is what we are.  Monogamy is an idea, not a necessity.  So the more important question is, does your fiance fool around or just have a rich fantasy life?  As far as not having a lot of photos of you, does he look at photos of anyone?  Guys aren't really photo people -- we often don't have photos of our family, either, that we look at much.  We need photos more of people we want to fantasize about and he doesn't have to fantasize about you because you're there in the flesh for him to look at.  As for you not being as pretty as that model, well, for one thing that model isn't really that pretty in real life either, the photo is touched up.  But there will always be better looking people than you around.  Or me.  Or him.  Love is a different thing.  I would go by his actions in how he treats you, how avid he is in having sex with you, how he treats you, than his fantasy life.  Now, if his fantasy life becomes stronger than his real life, and he would rather be with this photos than with you, then yeah, you've got a problem and so does he.
Yeah I get what you are saying.

I spoke with him about it, explained how it made me feel and hes deleted it, said its just a kink for fat ass red heads?

I dont know if I understand what he means by kink? Isnt that something that gets you right off and would want in real life?

He promises he didn't realise that having it would upset me and won't have it again. So I guess thats good right?
207091 tn?1337709493
I guess I'd just ask him about it, like why does he have it? What does it mean for him, if anything other than she's a hot woman who takes naked pics?

As for her being everything you're not, I know it's hard to not fall down that hole, but remember that you're also everything she's not. She's not the one he loves, she's not the one he talks to, she's not the one sharing his bed, his life, his house (assuming you live together), his body, etc.

Maybe she's tall where you are short, is blonde where you're brunette, or whatever, has bigger or smaller or whatever breasts, is thinner or curvier, but remember that he chose you, and continues to choose you, just as you are continuing to choose him.

And Paxiled is right - she's all the way touched up and photoshopped. Her stomach is flattened, her legs are lengthened, her breasts are lifted, wrinkles and shadows erased.

So just ask him. Have an open conversation. It may not be what you think.
6 Comments
I braved it and asked him about it, let him know how it made me feel and why I felt like that.

He says he didn't realise that it would hurt my feelings having it and deleted it straight away, I know I should be happy about it, but im still worried about not being what he truly wants.

What is the definition of a kink? As he says that the red hair and big ass with a skinny waist etc is a kink?
Honey, if he deleted the photos and you are still worrying, it's not her that you're worrying about.

Please don't draw the conclusion that how you look is not desirable to your fiance. That can be endless and you'd be chasing a phantom anyway. Let's say my husband told me he was really turned on by the beauty of Bella Hadid. Does this mean I'm supposed to brood over why he likes her, and whether it's a kink or not and what does 'kink' mean, and think about the color of her hair or her eyes or her figure, in hopes of finding a clue about how I should look? No, that would be a waste of time and pointless as well. He lives with me, counts on me, loves me and desires me, he's not out seeking an introduction to Bella Hadid. If I went crazy trying to figure out the nature of his attraction to a media beauty like Ms. Hadid, I would be wasting my time and my life, and for nothing because he and I have it all.
A kink is usually something that really turns you on. It might be dirty talk, lingerie, spanking, or more extreme like bondage, domination/submission, etc. We used to use "kink" for really "unusual" stuff, but it's become more of a mainstream term to mean something really specific that turns you on.

It doesn't mean it's the ONLY thing that turns you on, or something that you must have to turn you on - that is often called a fetish. He could have many kinks - things about you could be a kink, like your breasts, your back, hair, ass, etc. It might be certain acts, like oral sex, or talking in certain ways.

You may have kinks, too. They aren't bad.

He deleted it immediately - that's amazing and shows that he loves and respects you. That's better than anything. :)
I definitely worry that I'm not good enough, but I've always wondered what he ever sees in me as I'm definitely not the ripest apple in the pack so I guess I will always have those insecurities with me, I've always felt that way even when I was a teenager so i assume that won't ever go away.

Yes he was saying he was sorry and he didn't realise that it was going to upset me, as it was made to be in a slide show for ease of viewing. But deleted that and even the other porn that he had on his phone, even though I told him that the other stuff didn't bother me.

I guess I probably need to work on my insecurities more now so that they arent something that keeps popping up causing issues where there shouldn't be any issues.. just have to figure out how to do that..
You will enjoy your life better if you can get to the point where what others might or might not think about you isn't important to how you think about you.  Very hard to do.  Now, there may in fact be issues there.  Who knows?  We all have issues, and most relationships don't last forever.  We all wish they did but they don't.  People cheat.  People change.  People age and don't look so hot anymore.  It's life.  I'm 68, and I looked a lot better when I was young.  My wife is 64, and she looked a lot better when she was young.  And almost everyone somewhere deep inside them wishes they were with someone else.  And knows the one they have is working well and so is less risky and probably better.  We all think the grass is greener, you know.  So the best thing you can do for yourself is to figure out why you're so insecure and work on that, because that will last forever whatever happens with this particular guy.  Peace.  
Totally agree with Pax that life becomes a lot better when you stop worrying what others think. Some of this is an age thing - I'm in my 50s - but you can do it now. Get counseling if you need it to work through why you don't think you're the best damned thing that ever walked into your man's life.

We all have insecurities about ourselves, and we all have parts of us we'd change if we could. The big-assed red head in the pics does, too.

Your relationship with your man isn't based on looks. Sure, attraction is part of it, and he's obviously attracted to you, but looks change and fade, and if you're relationship is only based on looks, then you'll be really lonely later.

It's really very freeing to let go of these things. There is always someone prettier - even models are photoshopped and have cellulite and bloating and dark circles, etc. There is always someone smarter, taller, shorter, whatever. Just be you.
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