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Avatar universal


As a kid I grew up with some abuse.. as well as sexual abuse. When I hit teenage years I was very depressed, but slowly i've noticed it became more anxiety. I have met someone in which I see a lot of good with, but I also have the things that I find to bother me. I am so protective, and cannot deal with certain people. My boyfriend has a lot of friends and I am not one to hangout with a lot of people, I am an infp type. Personally i'd rather be alone with my boyfriend and have our good times, rather than spending it with a bunch of people partying or anything. Most people cause drama rumors and problems, is it so bad that I don't like having so many people involved in such a life? I fear my anxiety will keep me from having the kind of relationship I want, because trust is such an issue. Women are lying and deceiving, and I cannot trust them around any guy I would care for really. Could there be ways to go about rationalizing myself through these problems? I do not believe I need anti-depressants or anything of the sort.. nor do I agree to them.

This discussion is related to She has fear of commitment?.
19 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
Hm.  Well, I won't try to talk you into taking medication as you say you are against it although I wonder why.  Anxiety and depression are issues with brain chemistry and if it is not corrected through medication plus therapy, it is left to get worse.  It is making your life more difficult and these problems harder to deal with.  Medication these days is much easier to take than in the past with a side effect profile that most can manage.  But that is your choice.  Do you at least do therapy?  Hopefully you also get some exercise as this is one way for the body to release it's natural happy chemical.  

So, whether anxiety is an issue with this relationship or not---------  to be honest, it sounds like you and your bf are not compatible.  There are big problems to be had down the road if he is much more social than you are.  He will never be satisfied with isolating himself with you and you will never grow to love his enjoyment of people.  Right now he is much more willing to hang out with just you than he will be down the road---------  as the relationship is new.  This will get old fast and he will crave going out with friends more.  There is no right or wrong for how a person is.  He needs to be with someone that is highly interested in friends/ social gatherings and you need to be with someone that enjoys being home and with their significant other most of the time.  

Extroverts and introverts are only a good match if they are will to compromise and be happy making changes within themselves.  The extrovert that learns being home can be fun and the introvert that realizes that being out and about and mixing and mingling can be fun.  Then the couple will do some of both.  If either party is unhappy doing so-------- it is not a good match.  

Dating is for finding out what you like in a person to see if the relationship should go further.  In choosing a mate, we must make the best possible choice based on the situation as it is------- not as we wish it to be.  Best of luck to you!!!
879179 tn?1287507065
I see many problems in your relationship down the road.   I have been in a relationship that was not compatible like yours, except I was the extrovert and he was the introvert.  At first, yes, I loved it being just me and him and spending time with him because he was new and everything we did together was new and exciting.  Trust me, that got old fast.  I offered to let him go out with me but he didn't want to, instead he would just stay home and mope and call my cell about 30 times.  He started accusing me of cheating, not just with guys but with girls as well, and if you knew me you'd know how funny that really is.  If you do try to stay with this guy, try not to appear too clingy - it will just be a HUGE turnoff and he won't want to take much of it.  I know you said you were against medication, but I actually was an introvert myself in junior high until I started taking anti drepressents and anti anxiety medication, and it is like it opened up new doors for me, literally and figuartively speaking.  It allowed me to cope with things and be the person I am really supposed to be.  Good luck.
Avatar universal
Actually he is a introvert like me, he just has a lot of good friends, and I well didn't have as much luck with good friends so it's hard for me to trust.. but he does agree on not partying a lot, he isn't the type. I just more so worry that I myself cannot handle ANY relationship. :/ I'm just not too sure. Things are going a lot better thats for sure, and it's only been a month.

Ahh I see. Well he actually likes clingyness from me haha, cause it shows I like him. It's kind of weird. I have a odd way of knowing things or mis-understanding things. I like being an introvert, theres nothing wrong with it and you tend to enjoy the more fine things in life, theres a lot into it I could go. Thanks for the feed back, but more so looking for if it's me that has issues with relationships rather than if we are compatible, cause in ways we do have differences, but they are pretty minor ones. I find I argue with people at things a lot cause it takes awhile for people to get to know me.
Avatar universal
Well, here is the thing. I have not read any other responses to your post as yet, so sorry if I duplicate.
You come with baggage and you already know this. It sounds like your bf has a lifestyle different than yours, at least in the sense of being a more outgoing person with a lot of friends, and he is not going to want to give them up.. These you already know will clash at some point. What strikes me tho is why they will clash. You are insecure and  probably jealous as a result of your upbringing. This tells me that unless you get help for you, you will have problems in any relationship, not necessarily  just this one. They have help for these conditions but if you are not willing for whatever reason to get that help, then you are going to go thru a lot of trial and error in trying to make this work for you. Men like clingy women at first in a relationship but with time, not so much. Relationships evolve and many times the very things that attracted us to one another are the very things that irritate us later on in the relationship. My advice is to research the types of help available to you and if nothing else, consider some counseling. You are ahead of the game already in that you know and freely admit that you have issues. You need to make you happy first and then share you with someone that you make happy. Feeling like you are less somehow than your partner, puts yu at a disadvantage for a successful relationship. There is help out there, all you got to do is accept it.
973741 tn?1342346373
There is nothing wrong with being an introvert and actually the text book definition of introvert and extrovert are much different than people usually think.  An introvert is one who gets their sense of comfort and stregth from inside of themselves while an extrovert needs other people to give that to them.  So in reality, an introvert is the stronger personality.  I used the terms in the way that most people do though-------- in terms of one's social interaction.

I'm an introvert--------- nothing wrong with it at all.  That is not what I think people are saying.  I think that there is a compatibility issue with your boyfriend that will haunt your relationship and unfortunately, I think it will probably haunt all of your relationships.  You aren't saying-------- hey I like to stay home and hang out with just you. You say-------- I don't like people and want you to give up others for me.  That will never fly.  It just won't.

While you say he likes your clinginess------ that will get old.  It really will.  A healthy relationship is one of interdependence not dependence.  

But forget him for a minute, what about you?  Why are you unwilling to address the hurt and pain you feel to want to isolate yourself from others?  Why does it make you feel safe to isolate him from others and curtail his ability to enjoy the company of his friends?  I understand that you've had a lot of pain in your lifetime and it certainly shows from your desire to separate yourself from society.  Being an introvert is just fine------- normal definition or text book---------- but you are avoiding.  That is different.  And that will lead to a lifetime of further unhappiness.  I know you say drugs are not an option-------- what about talk therapy?
Avatar universal
I wouldn't exactly know how to go about it, or who to. I have strong opinions and views which is why I can be the way I am, as you say introverts can be that way. I think why I thought bad things was because he wanted to introduce me to his friends knowing my best friend was moving soon, and that I would be sad. In ways, I know he just cares. Having anxiety I jump and assume the worst thing. I guess though some of the people I don't like, and i've told him so. I've told him why as well, and he has came to see some things. He isn't one for common sense as much, but he still tries and listens, and he's got a lot better since I first met him for sure. I wasn't so sure what I wanted, or what to do, I had been really messed with recently. Back around christmas I had a guy really mess with my head, I swear he was a psychopath.. he fit the definition quite well.. as well, another guy who had schizophrenia kind of messed with me and took something special from me.. i'm over him, but I guess in some ways I still have to work through the pain.
973741 tn?1342346373
I just think it would really help you to work through these things with a mental health professional such as a psychotherapist or counselor.  They are trained to give someone tools to live in such a way to be more happy and fulfilled.

I think your not liking his friends is probably an internal issue with you more than his friends.  You have protective armor up.  I say this because you react by not liking others, saying you are opinionated, being rigid.  These are all coping mechanisms that one uses when the have subconscious pain.  Its the armor.  I also think that your boyfriend will eventually become annoyed by this to be honest.  As will all future boyfriends.  It is hard to live someone that sees the world that way.  It is hard to feel that way---------- but you aren't aware of this because you are using these things to protect yourself.  

Talking about these things with a professional can open up a new world to you in which you do not need to close up to be safe.  You can fully experience life.  

This is just my opinion and only intended to help.  I wish you luck!
Avatar universal
I did see someone after I had some suicidal issues and such.. and it did help a little, but honestly everything they say to me I pretty much already know. I plan to take psychology, after all. It's not really stuff I haven't heard. I guess ways to go about things and such would help, so in that way it would. Just learning more would help me, I know that. Plus I can't afford to do such things. :/

Hmm, not really that. In fact I met him BECAUSE of one of the friends. :) Theres just a few people I don't like.. and there ARE reasons for it, I just rather not post that on the internet. I know though given any small reason will make me question, which puts me into more anxiety. That is what the problem can be. I guess so, most guys look the other way but I actually like that because then I don't have to worry about ones who just go after any girl. Even me being this way, I have guys that tell me they care for me and like me, I don't understand how in some cases. I think some say they can agree with me on that kind of thing. It's not so much that I hate other people, i'd just rather be with the person I love doing things together in life, and once and awhile going out with friends. Too many teenagers hangout in groups all the time, and it causes a lot of drama.
I have been that way in the past though, for sure. I am slowing coming out of that, doing a lot better. I find psychology helps me to come to an understanding of things too. I also have different days, not like a bipolar person or anything but sometimes I can be more relaxed and not as much anxiety. I did something recently with some friends, and ever since my anxiety hasn't really been bothering me.. or not that I have noticed yet anyway. I won't say anything to what it is, but I think it's just what I needed.

As much as I seemed closed up, I am also very open. I am much different than most people, being an infp type as well as a libra/horse, it all mixes. I find those things to be interesting and they do help me to understand myself in a way cause I can relate to what they say, whether they are true or not.

I guess it was a bad idea to ask people on the internet, cause most people only do know of either talking to a professional, or taking pills. I'm one of the only people to spread other crap, and then I ask people hoping for my own type of answer lmao. I heard meditation can help anxiety too, I am going to try that some time if I can. Thanks for the feedback though.
973741 tn?1342346373
Well, in truth ----------- few things work for clinical anxiety but pills and talk therapy.  It was my biz for a long time.  You can try exercise as I said, certainly meditation, massage therapy is good, some like to journal their thoughts, volunteering also feeds your system in a way to have a positive effect----------  but all of that is like putting a band aid on the wound when you really need stitches.  You can live that way but be prepared for the ups and downs of untreated anxiety.  I wish you well and hope that what you are doing with your friends to make yourself feel better is safe and healthy.  good luck
686059 tn?1293837427
You are who you are and let no one change you. If you are aware that your past is effecting you, the only person that can really change you is yourself. If you feel counceling would help, great, if not, make sure to surround yourself with supportive friends and family during the difficult times and this new guy is an opportunity for you to begin new. Also, not all women are bad. You have all women in a catagory that is unfair to the rest of us. There are good women, trusting women and good friends if you open your heart and mind to them. If you sense one is no good, avoid her like a plague and if you don't want to hang around groups or with your new bf friends that perfectly ok, BUT do not take away the only time that he likes to spend with friends. If he is a good, honest and respectful person, he will be faithful to you no matter what, so yes, you have lot's of options and they are positive one ok. Open your heart and mind, surround yourself with good family and friends and you will see how life has a way of falling into place. Good Luck, Judy
Avatar universal
I don't know what kind of medicine to even take though. There are SO many and they all have side affects. Doctors just prescribe whatever, so I actually have to read up for myself then read all the horrible things. Find me one thats not so bad, and i'll consider it.

That is true. And i'm sorry if I said women, I certainly didn't mean women are bad. GIRLS are bad. Women are alright, for the most part. Most girls are driven by society and just gone the wrong way with no respect to each other. That is why I cannot come to liking many of them. I know it's not that bad of me, cause I have met a few who I actually really adore, and it's because they are who they are and I see it. Any choices made that are changing in his life are made by him. I will tell him what upsets and bothers me, but I leave it up to him to make the choice. I cannot handle certain things, he knows that. I get blamed for it all anyway, even if he makes the choice, which is stupid.
Avatar universal
My best advice is to go to a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist. They are more equipped to know what med will work for your particular situation. I was on prosac for years, and it helped me. Then like you it turned into more of anxiety than anything else. So they gave me something strictly aimed at anxiety, and it worked wonders. I have not taken anything for either in years and life is dandy. But your way of looking at life right now is not real, everything is exaggerated. Once you are on the right meds and treatment, you will see a significant other you. Once you get healthy, you may even find your bf does not appeal to you any longer. ???
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