Any advice for inrtoverted guy in starting relationships?

[kiskajuno]

I'll be straight forward, too many people make first impressions on the first date. Its unfortunate for both genders. I don't do that, because I know it takes time to get to know some people.

As an introvert, small talk is not really not my thing, but I'm a very deep thinker with a crazy sense of dry humor. Not shy at all, but some people (women) might get introversion confused with shyness- not the same for the few that get this. I understand that women are attracted by what a guy says more than who he is - part of the confidence attraction I guess. But if I guy just isnt a motor mouth, what gives?

So how do us introverts get by this 'speed bump' in dating? I'm a 'doer' more than a talker, so I try to date women with similar interests (not easy), but still my introverted nature might send the wrong signal, or they might get it confused with shyness. Tired of first dates.

Funny, this is MORE difficult for me dating women my age. Younger ones don't seem to care as much, even though we have way less in common, should be the other way around I would think.

The rest of me is a good package I would think for a 40 y o guy, have  brains, funny, still in shape, good job, hair on head, never married,  not arrogant but confident (I was a pro motocrosser). I just do not blabber about senseless things, if I did, it would not be me.

Never seen this brought up here.  Hope and advice benefits others like me out there too.  So any good stories for us introverts?

thanks!

[gdusher]

I used to be slightly introverted especially when interacting with women. However, I overcame this by changing the focus of me, to her. If you are there in the moment and are thinking things like 'this isnt going well' and 'Im not saying much' etc. Imagine how her life might be. She has chosen to come out with you because either she sees some potential there or she is eager for some kind of excitement in her life. The average woman in society just goes about her life as usual with some boredom here and there in her own routine. I believe most women would love to feel some energy and feel a bit more alive. If you are sitting there with this focus in your mind then you automatically start asking her about herself, her passions and dreams. Give her feedback. Bring her up. Be curious about her. If you are not then why are you there?

Don't feel bitter about anything. I have a very introverted friend who keeps complaining to me that women never see the true him and that they should like him as he earns money and drives a nice car and yet he wont show these things because he doesnt want to appear like a 'knob'. He is a paradox. However, if he was happy with himself and what he does and enjoys his life then this would come out when he meets new women. Your enthusiasm for what you do and enjoy will come out and build some energy. I dont know if this is you in any way but I offer this as I believe generally a lot of introverts feel hard done by and that no-one can see what they really offer. Yet indeed perhaps most of the time they are the best ones. Just be aware of this and relax and focus on her and mostly enjoy it or else whats the point.

[Myown]

Hi,
I think you sound like a great guy and a good catch for someone looking for a good man.

The small talk - it's not your thing - and that's okay, because you still are a very interesting guy IMO. I think just the way you are able to talk about this stuff shows you are not really as much as an introvert as you think.

I always feel its up to the woman to get a guy to "open up," because with many men, its not an easy thing - its not just you. It's more common than you think. BUT that doesn't mean a guy is dull or not interesting - not at all..

I always find it alot of fun when I meet people who are a bit of an introvert or shy - to get them to open up and talk about less serious stuff - it not only makes the person feel at ease, but it wins their friendship and that is always nice..

My Husband was sort of middle of the road as far as conversation - didn't talk as much as me( but thats because I am a talker!:), but not shy in any way.
Me, because I am a talker, was able to make him feel comfortable right from the gecko. The fellow I was with prior to meeting my Husband is a very serious man - but, he too, like you has a great dry sense of humor that not everyone would understand - but I thought he was a total riot! lol He really is funny, but his humor is not for everyone. That fellow, he eventually as time went on would be more comfortable with small talk because I think there comes a time that a man sees the small talk doesn't change who he is, but instead it lets the female see a bit more detail of who "he is"..

I mean if a woman cannot get you to talk a bit more to keep things going - don't sweat it, move on. Someone out there is going to get you to see that small talk is just something that women like and for that reason - when you meet the right girl, you might just talk a bit more - but until then, even if you don't talk that much, there is nothing wrong with being a little on the quiet side... I strongly feel its up to the woman to get the conversation going,,, and if its done in the right way, it doesn't even look like she is the one getting it rolling...

I'm a musician and every time I hook up with some new guitar player or piano player - I always hear the same thing - " I can't believe we were on the phone that long." lol When working with someone, I have to get to know them ( to make sure they are not nutty before they come to our house for rehearsals) and in that "getting to know you time" - that is the time small talk comes into play - we all have "small talk" in us - both male and female - you have it to. You just have to find someone who can pull it out of you! And you will - be patient...:)

I think you are an interesting guy, I do. And when you mention motocross to women in a conversation - that should be an open door for a woman to ask about that and that could not only lead to an interesting lengthly conversation - but the woman should realize that you would be in your "zone" talking about that stuff..

And one more thing - I find many women really don't know how to have a good conversation - they can be boring. I have been on MH for a number of years and in seeing how  some women are dull - its no wonder all these people just jump into bed immediately ( which I am not saying that is a good thing to do) - they don't have nothing to talk about so they have sex - how shallow is that.

But anyhow - you're a good catch for anyone that has eyes to see!
I wish you the best!

[kiskajuno]

There are many men that wish it were that simple. Us men just suck it up and move onward so to speak. Plus there just are certain things that past daters and current daters will not truthfully talk about.

I will say my last date (last month) had a very obvious disappointing look when she saw my econo car. But that was certainly a better choice than driving my motorcycle hauling 'race' van - obvious!.

I could buy a new 2011 Corvette with cash on the spot, but I'm not into material things, nor would I want some one that wanted me for that. In a way my econo car is a 'test' to see if she wants to date me for  who I am or what I have.

A guy with a fancy car is often a guy who HAD money. Guys with regular jobs, but with regular cars are ahead of the game - they're logical and have a 'safe' savings plan. Logic does is not sexy and does get dates though - I wont go any farther here with that one.

My shoes passed her visual test at least.  I learned that one years ago.

As far as the date itself went,  reading minds is not my thing, I thought it went ok though, made her laugh, thats always good. Still, she might have been bored. I learned her life story, divorced mom of one, nothing special, that was ok with me though. As a grown up, I don't expect Lust on a first date, that's what happens when your only 25 - and its short term at best.

[RockRose]

kiskajuno - I completely get what you're saying about coming off differently in the written word.  I write here exactly the words I speak face to face with people,  and I very often offend posters on this site.  I don't offend anyone at all - ever - in real life,  in fact some people would call me mousy.  It's all in the delivery,  and I haven't quite mastered the typed word vs. the spoken word with facial expression.  I swear,  NO ONE in my life would call me offensive,  and yet I offend about 20% of the people on this site I post to,  with the same words I tell my friends.  So,  long story,  I get what you're saying.

Have you thought about calling women you had been interested in and asking them for help in figuring out what went wrong?  Not to get a second date,  but just to ask humbly for an opinion about what went wrong?

Best wishes.  I hope you figure this out.

[kiskajuno]

That's a great mindset "hunting mode" or "non-hunting mode"!

Definitely creates the difference between being social or 'hitting on' mode from the female perception too.

I agree getting out more Is needed, have to make myself do it though.

For years my social circle was at race tracks. It's what I knew. Had a blast, met a lot of people, but not local - on the road.

[kiskajuno]

"A bit of a bone to pick with the world?" - No, maybe you read into that a little far.

I have known people like that, I'm not one though. Dated one for a very short time, she hated the world and men.

I don't consider jabber to be a negative word. However, I do say it like it is, and of course 'filter' when needed. Its part of my dry humor - and that doesn't go so well in written words as it does 'live'.

"Speaking for myself,  I expect quiet guys to be on top of their game." - thats great, but I bet thats not most peoples view point. I personally have met a few quiet people that lack a backbone so to speak, thats why the stereotype exist. The perception may be different between genders also.  

Stress is part of my life, monday to friday due to a very negative work environment, and insane management. The owners idea of motivating employees is through stress and scare tactics. He was raised in a communist country and thinks knocking people down (everyone) on a regular bases is normal, like a control tactic maybe. Clueless leadership. Not much out there at the moment, so I deal with it, and better than some do there. Does this effect my outlook? Yes, since I am a human being after all. Stress is part of our modern day society, more so now than in the past, yet some people are lucky enough to avoid it. I say luck, since its not something you see coming at you.

[brice1967]

In the gym, you are simply making yourself familiar with people and to people.  A friendly smile, "do you mind if I squeeze a set in?".  Subtle approach, because you are not in hunt mode.  You are trying to get familiar with people and to people.  You can assume that someone is married just by looking.... and even then, you are not in hunting mode.  

If you keep yourself confined to your circle, how can you expect to meet anyone?  Even the coffee shop is a shot.  You're not in hunting mode, you're going in for a cup of coffee.  You're going in to make yourself familiar with people and too people.  You're not going to walk up to the barista and say "Hey Baby, wanna get married?"  You're checking it out.

You have to be where people are man.  It is that simple.  Not every is a potential date, but you have to weed through them.  I'd venture to say that if you sat on the couch and looked at the t.v all day, you won't meet anyone.

Have you considered meeting someone on line?  It leaves the thing a little anonymous.  Again, there's going to have to be some "jabber" because that is the essential first step in establishing any kind of a relationship.

[RockRose]

kiskajuno,  the more you write the more it appears this difficulty with women is about something much more than being "quiet".  

I've given some thought to the "quiet" men that I know,  and they are very well-lilked.  They are helpful,  and cheerful,  and when they do speak it's something worth hearing.  It's not the "quiet" in you that would be off-putting.

When you read back through your posts here,  do you sense a serious chip on your shoulder?  A bit of a bone to pick with the world?  When you use words like "jabber" instead of "converse",  and the thought that people might be surprised by talent or skill in a quiet man - I really think you're missing what it is about your demeanor that's putting people off.  

Speaking for myself,  I expect quiet guys to be on top of their game.  I don't know what it is about you that makes people surprised when you are.  

Anyway,  stuff to think about.

[kiskajuno]

Well I can always talk about the weather.......I try to avoid that.LOL

Sure I can jabber bits and pieces here and there. But not for a whole hour like over dinner. That's why I don't really care for dinner dates in the first place. Its funny, couples have moments of silence, but in dating it's a no no.

Thing about getting out of my comfort zone - I'm not myself then. Hard to relax if I'm not being myself.

I've always heard approaching single women at the gym is a no no. So I never do that. Might as well try.

[kiskajuno]

Sullen.....its possible in some people eyes I suppose. I think it would be fairly easy for many extroverts to assume introversion is some sort of sullen mood or something, some outgoing types do have difficulty understanding the difference between inner and outward thinking. It would be easy to assume if someone is not an exciting talker around a lot of talkers that something is wrong, when thats just the way we are.

I really do not care for large crowds, which is where the highest possibility of meeting women is just based on numbers alone, and of course where a lot of people go on their first few dates. But am very personable in smaller groups like a classroom etc - always have been.

Introverts (myself included) can be very outgoing while 'doing' their specialized 'craft' , 'sport' , or career as many of us are a master at something. No one expects a quiet guy to be on top of his game - or take the game for that matter. In my experience, others' reactions were sometimes priceless.

[brice1967]

I'm a guy, but I find this post interesting.  I've got to tell you though, I don't think I ever would have met any of the women I met without some small talk.  You obviously have to be able to figure out if you will be able to tolerate that other person.  Surely you can't just walk up to a chick and just start staring at her, right?  (That is a real quick way to get to meet the police department for being creepy.)  And obviously you're not going to walk up to a girl and start talking astro-physics either.... there has to be small talk to even find if there is any common ground.

What I'd suggest is, start paying attention while doing the things you like to do.  If you're a gym rat, start paying attention at the gym.... if a girl is on a machine that you need, ask if you can jump in.  If you walk or run, pay attention there as well.  

Unfortunately we are judged on first opinions far too often.  Truth be told, you have probably judged a few people on first opinions..... I don't necessarily think its a bad thing as I tend to follow my gut instincts on people, but again... there needs to be some kind of interaction.

What you might want to do is come out of your comfort zone a little bit,  Be slightly more talkative, but relevant... you know what I mean?  I think there's a line between relevance and completely irrelevant.  You have to straddle that line, but getting there would mean perhaps being a little awkward... and the start of most relationships have some very awkward moments.  Another pointer I'd offer is be relaxed.... some girls can sense stress like sharks can blood in the water.  You're you and don't pretend to be anything or anyone other than you, but open up a bit and perhaps try some activities that you normally wouldn't.  You'll find someone.

[RockRose]

I agree with BluCrystal.  

I think you need to maybe rethink what it is that is making women turn away.  Quiet men are intriguing,  and attractive.  Are you coming off as sullen,  do you think?

[BluCrystal]

Hello... personally, I think that there is alot to be said for the strong, quiet type.  There ARE women out there who appreciate this in a man.  You just gotta find her. :)