Any suggestions?

[sweetpea03]

I have had problems with my relationship with my mother for years and, well, it hasn't gotten any better and seems to have only gotten worse. My mother has always nagged me and rarely says anything positive, no matter what I do. I could do everything she asks of me and I would still get put down for not doing something good enough or have something else she would like me to do. I really can't win. I don't ever argue back with my mom and will respond to what ever she asks. I'll tell her I'm doing my best and I'm working at it. Usually saying that in hopes that she would back off, but it rarely works. Well, now she has begun to belittle me more with hurtful remarks about all that I do. I was working today(baby sitting) and come home to my mother calling me lazy and unmotivated because I don't have a more stable job. Not once did she say one positive thing to me and I had to bring it up that I finished my finals and got an A on the last one I took today. Her response to that was, "ok, but why aren't you applying to more jobs?" and more of a rant after that. At that point I needed to get out of the house and went to get my car cleaned and meet up with a friend for frozen yogurt, which was a nice break before going back home to listen to more of my ranting mom. I really don't know how to respond to her anymore because nothing I say ever gets through to her. I have applied to other jobs, and had 2 interviews this week, though I haven't heard back from them yet. Does anyone have suggestions to better handle my mother? I have learned how to handle a girl with special needs and another with horrible temper tantrums, but I am having difficulty with my mother. Any help?  

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I didn't read all the comments and will later on, but I just wanted to let you know that I don't have much of a relationship w/ my mother either.  I don't live with her anymore and haven't for years so that makes things easier.  But boy, I sure remember when I did.  I couldn't wait to get out of that house.  We were always like oil and water and still are to this day.  So we just have a surface relationship.  I see her for holidays and for my kids' birthdays but I NEVER call her to share my life with her or whatever I am doing.  She'd just have a negative opinion or maybe she wouldn't say anything at all.  But sometimes, there are even things said in the things they DON'T say, if that makes any sense.  My mom's silence can be all the disapproval I can stand.  So I totally stopped any contact with my parents basically.  If they don't call here, we don't talk.  Even when I do invite them to my house for my kids' birthday or whatever, I don't even call.  I shoot my mom an e-mail.  And when they do call about something, my mom normally has my dad do it.  I feel for him because he's always been kind of in the middle.

It is so sad because I adore my kids and never want to have this relationship with my kids.  And I won't either.  I will make sure of it.  This stems down from even my grandmother really.  She and my mom had this type of relationship for years.  They still have an unhealthy relationship on many levels.  They did my whole life and I was witness to it many times.  I was even in the middle of it at times.  It trickled down to me and I just decided that for my own emotional well being, the surface relationship with my parents, especially my mom, is what is best.

Good luck.

[Ashelen]

Oh my goodness GO live with your grandmother girl! It's only 2 semesters so she won't be giving up her independence forever...but seriously, if you have an out, TAKE it. I can't tell you how much your situation reminds me of my own...no matter how many times I beg my mom to be supportive, or kind, or just listen, it goes in one ear and out the other. no matter how well I'm doing in my life, there's something that she finds to criticize and put down about me. no matter how many times I'm kind or thoughtful or helpful, there's always someone who's kinder, or smarter, or something (usually it's my uncle...omg she worships the ground he walks on, he's only 10 years older than me and he's very much like my brother because he lived with my parents when he was younger) and it's so heartbreaking. I could get into the conversation my mom and I had on mother's day last year but it quite literally still hurts my heart where she was telling me I was a failure while I sat there heavily pregnant watching my toddler play and feeling like dog poop....or how, when I was faced with a situation where I was going to have to be around the man that molested me for years as a child because he's family, I went to my mom for support and she told me to suck it up and that I was being selfish keeping my little girl away from her family just because I was too much of a wuss to face him....yeeeaaah....I absolutely unleashed on her and told her all the things I had been holding inside...our relationship has been a little better since then because I told her, point blank, that she would be out of my life if she wasn't going to make an effort to be a positive force.

And yeah it really sound like she's bitter that you're there. I don't get it either. my uncle lived with my parents when he was in high school and college and yet when I was goin to live at home between high school and college, I'm a burden? despite the fact that I made my own money and never asked for anything and was always helpful around the house while, when my uncle lived with them, he sat on his fat butt and went out drinking, etc etc? it's a freaking double standard and it sounds like you suffer from the same.

the truth is...she's going to find something to be bitter or critical about...and once you move out (go for granny, btw!) the harder she'll have to work to find something, and the more chance you'll have to mend some fences.

[sweetpea03]

I have tried talking to my mother about everything, stating how I feel about how she acts toward me and how I would appreciate it if she could be a bit more encouraging than just saying everything I do wrong. Those conversations don't go anywhere, and she'll turn it around on to me to say something else she is not happy about. I do block her from doing that most of the time and try to stay on the topic, but at times, she'll just stop talking and walk away from me. Sometimes ignoring me for a while after that as well. If she's in a good mood, she'll act like nothing is wrong and want to "hang out" with me, but those are rare and don't last very long. By the end of the day she'll find something to be angry with me about. I had to bring up the topic of doing well on my finals because I know she would never ask me about how I am doing in school. Everything I do is wrong. If I dare bring up a comparison to my siblings, she gets really angry. Both of my brothers had everything paid for by my parents. Full tuition(no scholarships), housing, food, etc. but supposedly I am not doing enough. I pay for my own books(brothers didn't), I have a scholarship(brothers didn't), I paid for my own car(brothers didn't), and so on. My brother lived at home for all of his college years(5 years), but she is mad at me for being home?

I have talked to my grandmother who lives close to campus and we're talking about having me live there for the next 2 semesters. She has an extra room that I can use and stay there for a while. I know she likes to live on her own though, so I am looking for other options as well to see where else I can stay. A friend offered to let me camp out on the couch for a while, but that would be more of a temporary than a long term solution. I don't have the money to just move out right now and don't want to go into debt just to get away from my mother. I've been through a lot and can handle her for a little while longer, just to become a little better off before leaving. I'm not going to move in with my fiance until we're married next summer. It's something I really want to stick to for that plan and something to really look forward to.  

[Ashelen]

I'm sorry hon but having been there, I really honestly think that you're only going to have a chance at fixing this relationship once you're gone. maybe she's bitter that you're still home and it's coming out in her being critical...hard to say. but if the problem is that you two can't get along living together, the solution is simple. i know moving out is very difficult, and I can't say I really agree with you not wanting to live with your fiance before you marry because I really think that living together when you KNOW you're going to get married is a good idea - it really does iron out the wrinkles (you don't HAVE to sleep together, you know) but in this case I REALLY think it would be a good idea on many levels. but barring that...got any friends you can move in with? how about an aunt or a cousin?

however...short of moving out...what are you going to do to try to fix it? you can't avoid her for another year, if you live with her, and honestly since you DO live with her, you have the responsibility NOT to avoid her, no matter how rude she is, which is the hard part. You have to interact with her...and you have to interact with her the way she wants, because you're living on her mercy....see what I mean? you really are going to have to find a way to move out if you want to start to repair the relationship. i really wishI had some tips for you, but the only thing that started to fix things with MY mom was moving out.

[sweetpea03]

I think what makes me sad is that I had a great relationship with my mother up until about midway through high school and then something happened. I really don't know what, but I feel like that is when things changed between us. She was no longer ever happy with what I did and I have always been a disappointment no matter how many achievements I do and her disappointment/anger toward me just progressively has gotten worse over the years. I wonder at times if she is angry at me for my medical condition, maybe? I don't know. I had surgery(my "last") during winter break my sophomore year in high school, about the time I feel like things changed. Before that surgery, I had not had one in several years. I had another surgery(major one this time) during my senior year of high school, missing a month of school in late March to mid April while in the hospital and days at home when I couldn't walk. She was supportive for a while, knowing I needed help doing some simple daily things, but after I was basically back to normal("healed") she went back to being very critical of me and belittling me again, never happy with anything I ever did. I volunteered at the hospital and local elementary school, played varsity volleyball, was the historian of a club at school, was in all honors and ap classes, and graduated with an overall gpa of 3.8 for high school and she still wouldn't say that I did well or that she was proud. Nothing I do would make her happy... Even now as a college student, still having a high gpa, have a scholarship, volunteering, working, etc, it's not good enough.

I've always been nice to my mom and I don't instigate fights/arguments or anything and will silently do as she wants me to for the most part. I know she wants me to do well and expects me to be perfect, but she just seems incapable of doing that in a constructive, helpful way instead of putting me down. I would love to hear from her the words "thank you" or "that was good/nice job" type of thing, but I doubt that will happen. I am suffering through another year thinking of the time I will move out next summer to be away from her for good. I don't want to move in with my fiance unless we're married. Just something I have always had in my mind, that I would only live with him if we tied the knot. We have been talking about getting married next summer(June 2012) instead of after I graduate in Fall 2012, being married March 2013. He knows I'm pretty miserable at home and will try to come over more, so my mother acts nicer, or to take me away from the house so I can get away for a bit. I try my best to use the house only to sleep and will be out in the morning to only come home at night to sleep or come home with someone else(friend or my fiance) so that my mother will behave and back off. I feel like I might have to always do that until I can move out, because I don't know how else to deal with her. I don't blame my mother for anything, I just wish things were different. I can accept many things that have happened in my life, but I just wish this could be "fixed" or changed somehow.  

[Ashelen]

my mom is an abusive alcoholic and we've always had a non-relationship. when I graduated high school I left my parents' house and never moved back...I did whatever it took to live away from home, including sleeping in my car and eating at friends' houses when I couldn't afford food between semesters (I lived in the dorm for the first 2 years of college and then an apartment for my last 3 ..yes, 5..I kept switching majors lol)...my husband and I got together pretty quickly after I graduated high school and he and I always stuck together but I never went back - we even lived with his parents sometimes so I wouldn't have to go back home and his parents understood and were sympathetic. I stayed at my parents' house for about 2 weeks between my freshman and sophomore year in college and it was miserable, so after that I never tried again. I stay there once a year with the kids during Christmas but it's never more than a night or two, and now that I have my own family my mom has backed off a bit, but she and I will never have a GREAT relationship. I settle for civil when it comes to us communicating...warm would be too much to ask for. although to be entirely fair, we've done well for the past few months - she even co-signed a loan for me to get my wisdom teeth out, which is a huge leap forward in our relationship.

You really need to get out of there girl...that's all i can tell you. as bad as my mom and I can be, we were far worse when I was living with her. it's hard to live on your own, but trust me - you can do it if you're willing to live rough until you graduate. and your fiance - can you move in with him?

[TTinKKerBBell]

This is hurtful stuff.  We all want Love, Affection and Approval from our Parents but sometimes (often) that doesn't happen.  When it doesn't -  it's on us to find our own Comfort.  I realized as a very little girl that my Mommy didn't like me and I carried an ache in my Heart for a very long time.  One day I realized - She didn't "pick" me and I didn't "pick" her either.  That realization brought me a LOT of comfort and I felt it was "sorta" okay that we didn't like one another - we don't HAVE to like EVERYBODY and it wasn't Her "fault" She was my Mother and it wasn't my "fault" either!!  My Mother was extremely abusive to me, both physically AND emotionally, but (finally) I was able to resolve my issues with that and She never did.  That is the saddest part of my story - She never made peace with Her demons but realizing She had demons enabled me to always be kind to Her and before my Mother died She let me know She had come to admire and respect me.  I treasure that AND I miss my Mom.  Even when we don't have a good relationship with our Parents we miss them when they're gone.

Basically, with Your Mom - it is what it is - and there's probably nothing You can do to change it but YOUR attitude and mind set will determine where You take this - what YOU make of YourSelf.  Sometimes these things make one Stonger, more Determined (SpecialMom's Husband sure turned it into a Postive!!) - again - MIND SET AND ATTITUDE.
Good Luck to You

[sweetpea03]

I had a second interview for another job the other day, so I am crossing my fingers that I can get it. The manager seemed to like me, so I am waiting for the call to see if I got it or not and was told to expect a call this week. I do think my mother means well, but she is horrible in showing it. I'm the youngest of 3 and she puts all of the pressure on me. My oldest brother is very successful, but he went away to college and didn't have to deal with the helicopter mom, so he could better deal with her. My other older brother was a bit of a screw up and was rebellious. He graduated last year and moved out that summer, which means ALL of her attention is now on me being that I am an "only" child living at home. She is constantly on me about how my grades are, what I am doing, if I have done everything she asks(favors/chores), and so on.

I have tried talking to her before, but we tend not to get very far and she'll blame me for something. I had told her before that I do a lot better with encouragement than having her on me about everything. The few times she did back off, I did better with grades and had a couple job interviews, but she doesn't seem to get it. Everything is about her and what she wants. She's been back in school to get her credential and has put everything on me. She can't do chores or anything because she has to focus on school, but yet I should do it because my school work doesn't mean as much, but she'll get angry at me if my grades slip a little bit. Neither of my brothers had scholarships, but I have had one every year since I began college, and she expects me to get it every year. If I don't, I have to pay for what the scholarship would have covered. Yet she paid for both of my brothers' college education in full. I have pointed this out once before and it lead to a big argument between us in which she ignored me for days. All I get from her is that I am lazy and don't do enough. I am planning her graduation party(she's finally done with her schooling, getting her credential) and she is never happy with what I plan. I told her to give me her ideas and what she wants and I can plan it. She gave them to me, I did what she wanted and she's still not happy. But she still says I should be planning it because it would be weird for her to plan her own party. I don't know what else to do.

I am going to be moving out next summer, but in the mean time I am trying to keep myself sane which can be difficult to do. My car broke down over the weekend and I'm still looking for a good place to fix it or see if I can have a friend fix it for a cheaper price. Without my car, I am stuck at home often and it has been pretty much hell the last couple days. The constant belittling has been getting to me and I try to just stay away in my room or in the back yard, or begging a friend to come pick me up to take me out of the house. My mother is very intelligent, with a bachelors degree, masters degree, and now her credential, but her moods/actions with me have driven me crazy. I have this next year to deal with her and then I'll be free. I am moving out the semester before I graduate because I can't wait any longer than that. I will celebrate the day I move out. I do rely on her for tuition and housing, but everything else is paid for by myself. I know in a year I'd be able to move out and live fairly comfortably. I have a lot of money saved up, even though I hate digging into that, but I'd rather be out of the house than have to stay longer than I can stand. My fiance and I were also thinking about moving our wedding up to next summer, but are not sure about that yet. The original wedding date is set for March 2013, but it may be June 2012 since it would be easier for me and he can help more with expenses and all of that.    

[brice1967]

Sounds like the relationship I had with my father. I never measured up, and that is a horrible feeling, so I do feel your pain.... but let me offer you this.  I'd suggest that it is your mother's own short comings in life that she is stressing on you!  

Instead of my dad coming outright and saying, I want better for you.  I'd like to see you do harder here, I'd like to offer you support, my dad often offered the opposite.... you're no good, you're a loser, you're going to botch this.....  I honestly think my dad meant well, but had no clue as to how to address the situation.  Instead of hopping on the train and actually pitching in, he berated me... trying to nudge me along.  I didn't perceive it that way, and after a while you begin to feel as if those things are true.

Here's the deal.... don't make excuses for your mother.  You can sit and argue, but it will do no good.  Go apply for more jobs.  At the very least, it will get you out of the house and out of her hair.  If she's bitching about how you're doing something, ask her what the right way to do it is...... (try not to sound condescending or be passive aggressive)  

There was a point in my life that I was just done with my dad.... really, that is kind of sad.  Now he's passed away and we cannot work our issues out.  Try talking, try the suggestions above in all responses, and find what works for you!

Good luck

[specialmom]

I had one other thing I was going to tell you.  In our life, we are given difficult circumstances.  We don't really know why but sometimes how we choose to look at them can make a difference.  My husband's mom was a lot like yours.  She was really in my opinion, cruel to my husband.  She would tell him he was a loser and would never amount to anything.  Over and over again.  She had other kids she doted on and could do no wrong but my husband couldn't do anything right.  This was from a kid on into his adulthood she treated him this way.  He left home at 17 and paid 100% of his college through scholarships and loans and began his career which he is incredibly successful at.  I was having a conversation with him a few years back and it was one of those deep ones.  He told me when he shuts his eyes, he can still hear her voice telling him he was nothing and would always be nothing.  My response was empathy and to say I was sorry.  He said "don't be sorry.  That voice in my head gave me the ambition to be a success.  I've been motivated my entire life to prove that voice wrong.  It has made me stronger."  

So, prove your mother wrong through your own success in life!  Turn your negative nelly into the motivation you need to make life what you want it to be!  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Yes, you have written about your mother before and I'm sorry she is so difficult with you.  I think part of the problem is your in between stage of life right now.  You are not yet an independent woman but aren't a child either.  That is a tough place to be in when it comes to tough parents.  Of course I can tell you that being independent is the answer for the immediate issue.  And it would solve a lot if you could live independently in terms of housing and finances from your parents.  I am not sure where you are at in college----------  and don't want to thwart your dreams of the career you have picked for yourself but am wondering if there is something else you can do right now.  Many attend college and medical school and live on campus through scholarships and loans.  Yep, you'd be in big time debt but you would be independent of your parents and eventually working in  your chosen profession and able to pay those loans off.  You can use loans to pay for housing as well.  I'd strongly consider this.  I just think you'll be that much more happy in life.  And yeah, it would stink to feel so 'stuck' for the time ahead of you while still in school.  

I don't really think there is much else you can do at this time otherwise.  She is who she is and feels she is entitled to pick at you because you are living under her roof.  You can tell her off, but she might kick you out.  Or things could get worse.  

Have you ever told her that she makes you feel worthless and like poop?  Not in the heat of the moment but during a quiet time.  Like make her a snack and bring it to her and tell her how much appreciate all she does for you and her financial support and then tell her that she is making you feel this way.  Heart to heart style.  See what she says.  

Remember, one day you will be in your own household and can put limits on contact with people that are tough on you.  You aren't there yet and I would just do your best to get there as soon as possible.  
good luck

[mindy1977]

I feel your pain.  Sounds like my mother.  I was an unwanted child and my mother never hid that fact, actually she made a point to tell me on a regular basis.  There is a book called 'Toxic Parents' that may or may not help you to read.  My mother took me to court when I was 16 and tried to have me incarcerated for being incorrigible.  12 days after my 17th birthday the judge gave me permission to leave home if I chose (I was basically emancipated).  That day she threw me out of the house and told me I couldn't take anything with me (no clothes or anything).  She said that all of my stuff was hers, bought as her responsibility as a parent.  To this day (I'm now 34) I can't have a normal conversation with her.  Nothing has changed.  She has this way of trying to inflict the most pain with what she says.  My therapist thinks that I am better off not having contact with her.  My advice would be to get out on your own as soon as you can (unless you are already) and then tell her exactly how you feel.  You don't need her approval.  You need to remember that.  It sounds like you are doing just fine for yourself and all she's doing is bringing you down.  (I would look into getting a copy of that book)  But I do think it's important that at some point you tell her EXACTLY how you feel and point out what she does and don't let her interupt or tell you otherwise.  Tell her to be quiet and listen for once and make sure you get it all out, you will feel a lot better.  Even if you do it in a letter (although it feels a lot better if you say it out loud).  You need to take that stand, you aren't a child anymore and she doesn't have control of you.  NEVER EVER FORGET that you DON'T NEED HER APPROVAL to feel good about yourself.  Good Luck.