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Avatar universal

Anyone?

First I want to say please don't judge me. I am a good person with a sensitive heart. My fiance just left me i think and i dont know where else to go. i cheated on him with his friend. i couldnt live with it so i told him. I was drunk. im not trying to get any1 to say that its ok, i know its not. i never pictured myself ever doing that to him. i dont know why i did it. i didnt even enjoy it. he came on to me and i just didnt say no. it sounds stupid but i guess i just didnt want to let him down. i have really low self esteem. my fiance didnt think that was a good enough answer and i dont blame him, but its the only answer i have. my father has always cheated on my mother and i always hated him for that....ive become that person. all i can think about is killing myself. i hate myself. no1 will ever love me like he did. i screwed up and cant even forgive myself. we were together for about 11 years. how can i live without him?? i cant!! ive always had a screwed up life so i dont know why i am so surprised that i cant do anything right. i have major depression and social anxiety disorders, so basicly im all alone. is there any1 out there that can put themselves in my shoes?
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1690315 tn?1305883857
I'm sorry you are in this situation.  You are only human and we all make mistakes.  You said you have low self esteem, and that is definitely a reason that some cheat.  To feel more validated.  

11 years is a long time, longer than I've even known my husband.  I'm sure it must be difficult for you.  My advice for you is to take this time to reflect on yourself.  Try to get better.  There is nothing worse then feeling rotten inside.  Until you love YOURSELF, it will never be complete feeling to love someone else.  I would just distance yourself and work on YOU.  Maybe things can workout in time.  I cheated on my husband...he caught me and we are still together.  It's terrible when you have to live with it...but nobody is perfect and we have our reason for what we do.  I hope you can pull through this....and please do not hate yourself.  You will not get anywhere mentally with that attitude.  Take care of yourself.  You can send me a private message if you would like to talk further.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I'm sorry this has happened.  I really believe that the biggest mistakes we make in life are the ones in which we learn our best lessons.  This is a wake up call that whatever happened in your childhood or elsewhere affects you on an internal level.  So, now you can address it.  Things I'd consider doing--------- continue with your psychiatrist and therapist and fully treat that depression/anxiety.  Do the talk therapy about how this happened, why this happened, how you can make sure it doesn't happen again.  Do the talk therapy about forgiving the people in our life that hurt you (your dad and mom) and forgiving them and forgiving yourself.  I'd stop drinking completely.  Alcohol is not a great idea when we suffer from depression and as you can see---------  it throws our judgement off.  So, don't drink anymore.  Keep a journal of this all.  Watch your progress.

And as you seek the therapy and try to make changes, maybe you can let your boyfriend know.  Maybe he'd join you in a therapy session or two.  

There is not a human alive that doesn't have regrets.  Some are hard to live with.  But I think yours came out of a place of pain inside.  So the positive of that is that now you can address this pain and get better emotionally.  

I hope that your boyfriend will see you doing the hard work to be done and gives you another chance.  Let us know how it goes.  Peace.
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Avatar universal
Well I honestly cannot get inside your head and explain why you do something or why you dont. Fact of the matter is, you screwed up. You screwed an 11 year relationship cause you got low self esteem or whatever. Does it really matter why? It was stupid and you already know that. Well, the fact is you lost the relationship and now you gotta get thru the consequences of your action. First you see it for what it is, a major screwup. Secondly, yes you can live thru it altho right now you really aint feeling it much, but you can. Thirdly, learn from this and NEVER do it again. There will be other relationships and you will fall in love again. But before that happens I think you need to live alone, learn to like yourself and recognize your self worth apart from a man. Cause if you dont work on you, you will be feeling like this again. Therapy and facing some hard facts as well as a little growing up (I dont mean that in a negative way either), will go a long way. BUT between me, you and the lamp post, Im thinking you didnt love him as much as you thought you did anyway.
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Avatar universal
Well I really had some night. my fiance came over to get some of his stuff and his ring. he also want ed to compare what i told him with what his friend told him. needless to say the stories varied. then after he went home he got me to agree to a 3 way phone conversation between me, him and his friend and his wife (who to make matters worse was a good friend of mine) to see who was lying. they all wanted to do it in person but i didnt think it was a good idea. we came out with everything. the other guy(who by the way only told because i did) kept calling me an f...ing liar. certain things that he told , i remember differently. they all ganged up on me like i was the only 1 who did something wrong. no 1 believed my reason for doing it. im not really sure why but i know that i didnt even want to do it. i just let him take control. i guess it is hard to believe that i didnt want to let him down, but im not gonna lie and say i was turned on, i have nothing left to lose. i guess u should know a little about my past to understand. up until i was 5 my babysitters husband would take my clothes off of me and touch, he used to say "u want me to like u dont u?" when i finally told him i didnt like it he said he didnt like me anymore and i wasnt his special girl. that hurt. he paid more attention to me then my father did, who only got drunk and yelled at us and make threats.when i was 17 i was in a relationship where the guy would hit me and force me to do sexual things, then tried to rape me twice when i ended it. through him i met the love of my life. anyway, on the phone they kept telling my fiance not to believe me. also his wife kept insisting that ive always wanted her husband, she said she could tell. ive never even ever been attracted to him, i always thought he was ugly. its hard having more then 1 person verbally attack u. but i guess i deserved it. afterwards me and my fiance talked on the phone for hours. we both cried. he's never cried in front of me b4. he said he believed me. he would always love me but needed time to think, and when i said i couldnt be just his friend he cried and said he couldnt not have me in his life. maybe i need this time to think too...and get therapy, when i can afford it that is. he wants me to go stay with my best friend so i wont be alone....maybe i will. he's the first guy to ever treat me good and i hurt him. i dont know why. i'll never stop punishing myself. i havent ate in days and dont plan to. i have this weight on my chest that i cant get rid of. i cant sleep. more then anything, i wish i could stop his hurting, he hasnt slept in a couple of days and he has a medical condition where he needs sleep. he said maybe after time we can start dating again , but wasnt going to say. i dont want to get my hopes up only to get crushed. even if he takes me back i dont know that i can live with what ive done. it just upsets me that the other guy was kissing up to my fiance. also my fiance said that maybe he shouldnt have done the phone thing but he was just so angry. even though it was hard and hurt to hear the things they said to me, im glad it happened if it makes him feel better. i dont know why im telling total strangers such personal things. thanks for the comments by the way, they helped a little.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am going to take a moment here to say just a little something to you Tasha that I hope will help. You are my age and you are a grown woman now. You sound lost at this point in your life. Let the dust settle.  The passion and heat of this terrible moment will pass. It will be a memory in time, a scar but faint. Let go of your anger with yourself. You have been a victim and no longer need to play this part. I see where you are coming from. I think we all do on here. And you need to forgive yourself. I have done this very same thing. Not because I felt ugly or because I felt unloved. I did it out of revenge. in the end it hurt me and my partner. Deeply. Three years later and still married he did it back to me. There is so much more to my story and I think yours as well that you could tell it until you are blue in the face. You just need to forgive yourself. Forgive and realize, yes you are human. And don't do it again but also don't be "shocked" if you make this mistake again. I told my husband "honey you are where I was" because he cheated after me. I told him " It will be harder for us to not do it again because now we know how easy to do. We have opened a door and if we do not close it and turn from it, it will just keep us living in fear of it happening again" I told him " I am not angry, yet I am" "I will forgive you  and you me" " I even forgive you if it happens again because I know I struggle with it" We are both very sexual persons. Being faithful for this long  (ten married yrs) is difficult in a society of such mental demand. Everywhere you turn there are people under pressure. Pressure from work, pressure from bills, pressure from finances. The list goes on and on. The way we release this pressure is entirely up to us. Just don't let this get you down. I understand you felt pressured into having sex with this guy. You told your fiancée because you loved him enough. You didn't wait to get caught. Your fiancée told you he wanted you to go stay with a friend because he loves and is concerned for your safety. And he must know you pretty well. of course he does after 11 yrs. You did not lose him. You cold never lose someone who is in your heart. You are just at a distance. If you want him back then take the advice from these anonymous strangers and give yourself time. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS! TIME TIME TIME.
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