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Appreciation

I had a baby 2 months ago and i haven't been able to spend much time with my husband or pay a whole lot of attention to him and i want  to do something for him that will show him that i still care... anyone have any ideas?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Enjoyed your post and plan on looking into your book recommendations.  thanks

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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just feel really strongly that if you want to remain married---------- and most of us do------ that you also have to think of how to be a good partner and yes . . . deep breath in . . . make your spouse happy!  And any good therapist will tell you that in a relationship, you work on what YOU can control all by yourself.  The catalyst to change is not griping at your spouse and always being angry at them . . . nope, it is by modeling better behavior and ways to treat one another.  Making an effort torwards someone else will often begin the process of them making an effort towards you.  

I've never been divorced-----------  so I only speak from the perspective of a married woman that has done her best to make it a happy union.  And again----------- mom and dad in a healthy, happy relationship (even if it takes some work getting there) makes for a better home for their baby.  
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Avatar universal
Just so you know my husbands ROLE is that he is a husband and a father .... he works 8-10 hours M-F and has been helping me with the baby when he comes home without me having to ask.... so he is not a deadbeat if that what your suggesting.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
And by the way, my husband is a grown man and I am a grown woman and after our kids came--------- I really did have to make time to make him feel like he was just as important to me as those babies.  If you have a strong marriage, kids are happier.  

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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well guys, let's remember that this is a young couple trying hard to work things out.  She is trying to make an honest go of this marriage and perhaps he is trainable.  As people often come here to vent-------- I think it is a little unfair to hold every post against this lady as she tries to think about what HER role is in the marriage.  I think it is quite discouraging if the only thing you have to offer is to dump him.  I hope they give it a go as they have a child now and more positive feedback torward that would sure be nice.  

Tinkerbell------- please do not be so harsh here.
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184674 tn?1360860493
Wow, that was kind of harsh.
I will admit that from the past few posts bluegummiebear has made, I've determined that her husband is a jerk. But that's just based on what I've read--I'm sure there's way more involved in the dynamics of their relationship than the limited bit we've read on a few posts. Besides that, it's definitely clear from the last few posts bluegummiebear has made that she is doing the best she can to find ways to make her marriage and interactions with her husband work out for the best of all involved...as frustrating as that may be in the process...but at least she's trying and doing what she can to keep the situation positive and find potential ways to compromise, agree, or disagree with her husband in a loving and respectful way.
The notion of expressing appreciation in the midst of frustration can be extremely powerful and have a very positive impact.
And it is a well known fact that many men go through an adjustment phase after a baby is introduced into the marriage, because even though it is just a helpless baby that can't do anything for itself and needs its parents, more attention is focused on the baby oftentimes by the mother as the husband's needs are placed on the back burner. They may be grown men and, in a perfect world, we'd expect them to act mature, but this is not a perfect world and consequently, all wives and mothers are not perfect either...and they can become quite caught up with, or even infatuated, with caring for the baby every moment of the day and ignoring their husband's needs for some one-on-one attention. This scenario happens in SO MANY relationships; it's not at all uncommon. And to treat it in a way as you described--to just let the husband fend for himself because he should act like a mature grown man and father and be perfectly accepting of his wife being totally consumed with everything baby--is unrealistic and can be damaging to the marriage.

Bluegummiebear: I also wanted to recommend another excellent read to you, if you're interested. It's called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I read this book--it's not very long and it is REALLY good and informative about so many different types of interactions within a marriage between a husband and wife. You could probably check it out from the local library or even order a used paperback copy off Amazon for a few dollars. I highly recommend this read.
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Avatar universal
yes we did just have a baby but i dont think deciding to not appriciate my husband will make a happy home
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Avatar universal
OMGolly!!

Why wouldn't one expect a GROWN MAN to realize that WE'VE JUST HAD A BABY!!??

Why wouldn't a GROWN MAN realize the Baby needs our Attention right now??.    I mean, REALLY - who's the Baby here??  FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, he IS the Daddy!!  -WHY do We have to worry what he's feeling right now??   We're trying to adjust to this NewNess too!!  And, We have to worry about HIM??!! and how HE"S feeling!!?? and does HE feel left out!!??  OMGolly!! This IS a GROWN man!!  Who knows, realizes there had been a MAJOR change here!!
Why wouldn't/shouldn't HE be the one trying to make a Special Night for Her??  SHE's the one who just had the baby!!

You sound like a Cosmopolitan Magazine: " How to keep Your Man Happy"

and what does He get to do??

Just curious what You think about His role?
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184674 tn?1360860493
If you find time to rent the movie Fireproof, you should--it's a great movie! Do you have Netflix or a friend from church you could borrow it from? Maybe you and your husband could watch it together for your date night...just an idea. ☺
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Avatar universal
i have the book fireproof .. i received it from my maid of honor as a wedding gift ... but haven't taken the time to read it..... i believe with God all things are possible .. and i believe he will make my marriage work if we are both willing and keep God first.
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184674 tn?1360860493
It's nice that you are thinking of doing this for your husband. I also have read your other posts about his behavior towards you, and I can't imagine how drained and discouraged you must feel somedays.
Maybe this can be a turning point for you both. Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? Or have you ever read the book that goes with it called "The Love Dare?"
I haven't read the book, but I have seen the movie. The whole concept of it is to build a close relationship within a marriage by working with each other even in the hardest and most difficult of times, particularly when working together may not be so easy. And the foundation of working together is by first beginning with an attitude of being thankful and also willing to serve without a grudge or any expectation from the other, even in the hardest of times, and also to keep God involved through prayer in order to guide your heart with love and wisdom.
As I said before, I hope this can be the beginning of a turning point in your marriage, where you feel better about your relationship as a whole on a regular basis, and that he will come around and fix his behavior toward you.
Hoping for the best! ☺
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Avatar universal
yeah ... me too : )
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1434731 tn?1382722384
Well im glad he is now showing you he cares  hope it lasts longer than a few weeks like most guys
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Avatar universal
all my friends live in another state so i can only see them sometimes ... and he has started showing me he cares recently ...
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1434731 tn?1382722384
WOW,

I have been reading your last couple post talking about how he  never lets you do anything you dont have a car, money , friends, ECT....

All the emotional abuse towards you and now you want to do something for him to show YOU still care?  

He should be showing you the HE cares for you!

Just my opinion of course!

Good Luck
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the date idea ... i think im going to get the candles out this weekend.  : )
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is so smart to do that as what often happens when we have a baby is that we put all of our focus there and the hubby can feel a bit left out.  I had to work on that myself and still do occasionally.  But when they are tiny babies like yours, they take so much out of us----------  we really do have to make that extra effort when we might not always feel like it because we are plain old tired.  

One thing that I do is plan a "date" at home.  If your daughter goes to bed early enough or whatever works into your evening homelife schedule or even afternoon when the baby is sleeping, have some special couple time.  Make something he loves to eat, set a nice table, turn on some music, light a candle and put all your energy and attention to him for a couple of hours.  And I'm sure some physcial contact would be much appreciated by him as well . . .   Another option is to have your mother in law come and take the baby for a couple of hours so you can have your date.  But I just found that a couple of hours of just focusing on my husband made him feel really good.  And know that it doesn't always go perfect-----------  but it is the effort that counts.
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