Avatar universal

Asked for advice before on not physical cheating but talked about it

Here I am again, still fighting for what i love the most and still think in my head that im giving my all to him and I'm getting nothing! It's me 70% to 30%. Why do I keep,fighting??
9 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
My thought is that if someone isn't interested in being in a relationship, you can't make him interested. Maybe this hooks your ego and you think you have to "fight" and all that, but even you trying very hard doesn't make someone want to be loyal and love you. I guess you just aren't willing to let go.
Avatar universal
My suggestion is that you set much higher standards for yourself and quit putting up with being treated so poorly. Don't be afraid to demand respect and be willing to walk away if you find yourself with someone who doesn't treat you like you're the best thing that ever happened to him. There are a lot of cheaters and losers out there like your toad of a boyfriend, he's nobody special. Quality relationships are so much more valuable because they're a lot harder to find.
Avatar universal
Okay, but how do you give up on something you cant go a day with out thinking about it/him?
You give up on someone that hurts you even if you think about him. You're surely not thinking about the reality, anyway. You're just thinking about what you wish was.
What are you really scared of if you move on with your life?  This is no relationship for you.  He isnt a possession, he should be an equal partner.   There is a difference between wants and needs, same with fantasy and reality~
Avatar universal
Maybe i am thinking about what wish was or what I thought was a really great thing, but part of me keeps saying keep fighting for what you want and another part of me knows I should of ran along time ago. I also know i shouldnt be putting myself in this spot of tearing my self in half trying to figure it all out! I just want to know what ever made anything like that go threw his head? Or what i did to make him think of doing it? I'm honestly just so confused idk what to do anymore. I do know that I love him with everything i have, i do everything i can to make him smile and be happy, but when does it happen for me?
973741 tn?1342342773
So, I always want to say this after being in a few decade long marriage.  There are times when I feel absolutely positive that if I didn't do everything in the relationship, it would fall apart.  It's usually a bad day when I feel that way.  After a disagreement or disappointment.  And then a few days pass and I'm over it and thankful for my husband. I call it eb and flow.  I think it's pretty normal and felt to different degrees in a relationship by different people.  

My recommendation is to make a list.  A simple pro and con list to this relationship and partner.  Be honest.  If the cons just flow and you have trouble finding the pros, that is telling.  If you have lots of pros but one con that you just can't get past, that's another thing to really think about. Or if your list is equal and you have good days and bad days with this person, think about which you have more of.

Another thing to think about is what realistically would make you feel better about this relationship?  Then tell him.  Men are not all that bright sometimes (sorry men) and need very clear direction.  I made a list one time upon my husband's request of things that made me feel good.  It had a lot on it.  I found that list a couple of years later with things crossed off "bring home flowers" (check, done), "scrape her car off if it snows before work" (check, done), "vacuum the house without being asked" (checked, done).  Maybe he did them once but in his mind, he was completing my list. lol

So, he said he wanted to cheat?  Sure he wasn't angry?  I think everyone has moments of 'thinking it'.  That's not a crime and I would just say most men and women have occasional thoughts of it. Hopefully not to act on.  Or did he cheat?  I may need to refresh myself on what has happened.  

And you know, we all have this thing called our gut feeling.  Is yours screaming at you and you find reasons to ignore it?  
Avatar universal
The cheating thing, as to what i know there wasnt any physical contact but I'd be a work and he'd be asking his ex girlfriend to come see him, f*ck him, and got all kinds of pictures from her and he was so into doing it he was practicely with her but living with me and laying in my bed after i got home like nothing happened. When i found it I told him to block her completely outta his life and everything and he said he did well about a week ago i found out that he never really blocked her and was still talking to her I got mad and he tried to flip the situation on me, I deleted all the male friends I had because of him whenever we first got into over everything but yet he still has his female friends (which im still upset over) I shouldn't have to give up my male friends if he can still have his female friends. When im working, 99% of the time he is out doing something and never tells me what it is or who he is with. Its just not right in my head. I know all this is probably just gonna have to be something i figure out on my own but im so confused idk where to go or what to do. Thank you everyone for your opinion .
134578 tn?1614729226
Well, one thing you are not, is confused. You just don't want to accept what you know to be true, and are trying to replace it with your idealized version of what you would like the relationship to be. But reality is stubbornly refusing to conform to your idealized version of the relationship that you are trying to impose on it. This gives you dissonance, and you think "Why is all my wishful thinking based on an ideal thing I dreamed up in my mind that is not based on reality, not changing reality?" I would offer that you're not confused about why reality does not conform to fantasy. You just don't want it to be true, so you walk around saying it's just so confusing because it's easier than looking the real situation in the face.

The real person, not the fantasy of a boyfriend that you want but the real guy, us acting the real way he acts. That real guy, who is flirting (at least) with his ex, and off and not telling you where he is going, is not the boyfriend you want. If someone had asked you before you met this guy to describe your ideal relationship, it would not have included "And, I want him to flirt with his ex and get naked pix from her and not tell me where he goes during the day when I'm at work."

What you are mourning is not the loss of a good relationship, you are mourning the loss of a fantasy boyfriend that he probably never was. (Or if he was at the outset, he is certainly not that guy any longer. He has lost interest, obviously, or else he never really meant it in the first place with you because he had more interest in his ex.) You can't wish him into being your idealized boyfriend. You can't point out it is unfair and this will somehow change his mind. You can't whine him into it. You can't say you love him and thus he must love you. He just ISN'T INTO IT. If someone is crazy in love, they behave differently than he is behaving. Conclusion: He is not crazy in love with you.

Please wake up to the fact that what you are mourning and regretting is something you, yourself made up, an idealized fantasy relationship. It can sometimes help, because it's not that hard to walk away from a story you invented yourself. Just give up on trying to get another person to conform to it. The only thing that lies that way is grief and frustration.
Okay not sure if its me or not but you do you seem to be getting mad/upset about my situation? Me and him we used to be great together never any fighting absolutely nothing wrong between us idk where it went! I really do hope and pray everyday that we can get back to normal! I have never thought of him just being my fantasy ever!! And what exactly do you mean byi made this up? Girl, your not me! I do everything I can for him and never complain about it (like most women do) i have never fell this hard for any guy in my life not even my sons dad. I know deep inside he is total different person but that othwr person is hiding and i cant seem to pen point it! I really with i could!
OK, you are living in hope that the relationship you had in the past is not gone, just somehow temporarily not right. You are saying, no it is not a fantasy I made up, it really was this way in the past. OK. But what good is living in the past? I assume you think he will snap out of it if you wait long enough and things will be like they were? He has behaved very badly for someone who is trying to stay in a relationship, he has acted like he's trying to get away with things and not trying to refrain from temptation. You outline all the hard work you are putting in, but it doesn't sound, by his behavior, like he is impressed by this or moved by it to snap out of his cheating mindset and come back to the relationship with you. Maybe you should just ask him straight out -- do you think we will ever get back to the fun way it used to be?
Oh, and you said "do you seem to be getting mad/upset about my situation?" I'm not at all mad about your situation, your situation is what it is. If my tone was forceful, it was because I was trying to get you to stop being so dopey. If he loves you, he loves you. If he has stopped loving you as much or in the same way, he has stopped. You can't argue him into being the way he was before, point out fairness at 70% and 30% and then he will immediately love you, get indignant and he will suddenly love you again, whine and beat yourself up it will all be back to the way it was, his feelings are out of your control. One person can't make another person feel a certain way. I am sympathetic to your hope for it, but frankly, if my partner were to be texting to an ex and looking at her naked pictures, I'd have given him his walking papers on the spot. And not even because I was mad! Just because it was clear things were over.
I understand now, im sorry i took your words the wrong way.  Yes your right about my situation. I can't make him love me and only be with me, maybe i am, wisging and hoping it will be normal again and just don't want to except it that is over.
495284 tn?1333894042
Your busting your hump for nothing here.  It is NOT your job to try and make him happy, you also dont have the power to do that.  All you can do is take care of you and your happiness.  All your wants and needs are going to someone who doesnt give 2 sh!ts.  You are both "convenient" for each other.  By giving up on what you need you are giving him that "having your cake and eating it too"  It is time for you. Yes things will change when you have had enough.  I hope this will come sooner than later for you~
495284 tn?1333894042
It is easy for us to offer our opinions on your situation as we arent the ones living it and we see things in a different light than you do right now.  I remember the days of "hanging on" myself and that is why i say what i do.  I dont want you to have to live in this situation any longer.  I dont want your son to see that this behavior is acceptable in a relationship (the behavior of your bf).  You will never get back what you had as it doesnt work that way.   One of these days you will make a decision and that will be that.  Respect yourself, love yourself and take charge of your life.  We are only given one chance at this thing called life, it is time for you now~
Thanks! <3 when I say enough is enough will be the day alot of things will change. I know it will break my heart but I will be okay, in the end
I know it is scary but you will be okay~
I hope...
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