Bad guys

[lola200677]

Does anyone keep on getting attracted to sexy but cold men? Cold as in distant, mysterious and u can't tell really what they're thinking. My ex was one of those and after 4 yrs, I got what was coming to me. He left me when I needed him the most. Am I just crazy to be feeling attracted to this scary type??

[psychdegree]

Yeah girl take time for you! Do lola200677 for a while...I was so use to having someone..anyone...that being single was so hard I latched on to the worst guys at 1st..but all my waiting paid off. I have a great guy who treats me good, is a good Christian & wants nothing from me but love & time! So yeah I know what you mean seems like all I wanted back then was bad guys..

[lola200677]

I know, I'm studying again and not ready to date at this point. It's nice to know you are all here to talk to and I'm happy I discovered this site :) It's funny but I feel like I've passed 'the bridge' as in 'bad guys' are a put off even in films. Perhaps that's a good sign....

[psychdegree]

specialmom is so right! I dated a guy for 5 years who was a "bad guy" & finally after the 2nd time he cheated I mustard up the strength to leave. I stayed single for 4 years after. I had dates here or there but I focused on me, & who I was again. I learned what normal problems in relationships were & what I would absolutely not put up with. Life is so short...I have a friend who got pregnant at 16 then 18 (shes 26 now) and this guy did & does drugs & had babies with 2 other girls while she was pregnant. Sadly its like shes almost accepted its normal for him to be with her & then go off & be with the other babys mother. It breaks my heart bc hes horrible to her (& the other girl who was our friend) & they both put up with it just not to lose him. So Ive asked for advice on here for a couple different reasons & these ppl know what there talking about. & I coming from a place where I didnt understand why I had to be with someone like that, trust me its worth giving yourself time..single...to get to know yourself again and how you would want to live (& if you want to have kids how they would live) for the rest of your life. If your a Christian pray about it & believe He will give you not only the answer but strength & wisdom on what to do! Keep us updated!

[specialmom]

Certainly you've picked up that this is problem thinking.  Why live a life knowingly making self destructive choices?  Do you not feel you deserve to be treated well?  Deserve to have a stable life?  Deserve to have a solid partner who had character?  

You're setting yourself up for a lonely life.  I would find a way to talk to a therapist.  Or I'd try not to date for a long period of time.  Sometimes stopping dating on purpose for a year or so resets our patterns.  And during that time think about what kind of person would be a better match for you, what you'd like to have in a partner, what you'd like your life to look like.

If you can't seperate from dating for a period of time, that too is a problem.  We need to be our own person without 'having' to be with a man.  good luck

[lola200677]

Maybe I've got intimacy issues so just want the cold dark guy because I know I'll never get emotionally attached on a deeper level...

[lola200677]

Yeah I kinda know this deep down. Thing is that, I have had opportunities to be with people who aren't cold etc but I always end the relationship, and would rather be single. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and I know I am lol sounds really stupid when I think about it. Like I'm digging my own grave. Like, the other night my ex (the cold but sexy) started talking to me again and I was so exited ( but Didn't let him know I was) and just can't stop thinking about him again. I'm so frustrated with my pathetic behaviour. If I could change a flaw in me, it would be this!
Thanks for you all reading my blabber!! Xx

[specialmom]

agree!!

[Londres70]

I wouldn't call you "crazy," but you need to look deep inside you and figure out why you are repeating this behavior.  Perhaps you had a parent who was cold and distant towards you and now you are repeating this pattern in your relationships.  Perhaps your father was cold and distant with your mother or visa versa.  For some reason you are comfortable with this behavior.  

Perhaps you should be looking for more than just "sexy" as well.   The packaging might be nice, but that's all.  In other words, demand more than "sexy" from a guy.  

[psychdegree]

haha..no High Point University...I just graduated in May so some stuff is fresh on my mind..but some how I can never help myself with my issues! lol

[specialmom]

he he

[lola200677]

I know, what's wrong wit meeeee! Lol I kno ill find the happy medium guy one day hehe

[Kayannaboo]

Mhm. Definitely. Nice guys just seem so boring and seem to lack that "spark" but we always light some fireworks in our heads when we come across the not so nice one. I can't really tell u why that is tho. Look at me---I have not been in a relationship forever. Guys have come my way but they hold no interest 4 me, none! Yet, the guy that is holding my interest now is someone who doesn't have a clue LOL. He doesn't want to settle, he's flirty. I'm staying away from him OF COURSE I know my brains waves can't handle this kind of thing. But I really have to wonder WHY after all these years THIS is what I am attracted to. Help me God!



xoxo Anna

[specialmom]

short answer to your question, yes.  It is crazy and self destructive to be attracted to this type.  We have to change our patterns if we want to change the outcome.  good luck

[lola200677]

Were u a psych student at uni? I was! Didn't really help me tho lol

[psychdegree]

I think sometimes its just unconsciously wanting to go with someone who seems taboo in society for one, or curious to see if we can "crack" (so to speak) into their minds to see what there really about and than like me I have an issue with wanting to "Rescue" guys possibly because I feel needed that way. Plus its ALWAYS easier to get a guy who is half worth our time than to spend time & wait for a good guy to come along, the total package. Sadly she may have to find out the hard way to overcome this issue. hope this helps!

[Ariane713]

I tend to be attracted to the emotionally unavailable man too. I do it because it seems you can never find that happy medium between the needy guy and the distant guy. I rather do distant guy because a needy man will get on my last nerve. But if one day mr happy medium arrives he will be welcomed with open arms.

[AnnieBrooke]

That's my sister's M.O.; she likes guys with a 'dark side.'  I think she equates it with strength and/or maturity.  How is your feeling of yourself as strong?  Sometimes we're attracted in others to the thing we would like to shore up in ourselves.