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1489305 tn?1315183107

Being Single

Why can't I get a date? Don't bother looking at my profile, it's depressing and stupid, and I haven't updated it in a LONG time. It kills me a little bit everyday when I have to wake up and realize that I'm the only unwillingly single person I know. Even the stupid fat guys get dates, so why is it that a fit, intelligent, 21 year old guy has never even heard someone his age say that they love him? Am I just a bad person?
43 Responses
1836756 tn?1318626615
awww you sound like such a kind hearted guy dont worry theres someone for everyone you know it might not look that way now but one day you will  look back and laugh cuz you met someone that loved you for who you are that person could be just around the conner and of course your not a bad person your just waiting on the right girl and u will find her :)
184674 tn?1360864093
First of all, no, I'm certain you're not a "bad person."
Secondly, what types of things interest you, and are you involved in anything that would allow you to interact with people?
Third, what types of medication and/or therapy are you using for your depression, bipolar, and social anxiety? How often? Have you noticed any of it working to your advantage in any way?
And last, what about yourself makes you dislike yourself so much? I can tell you, as a woman, that one of the main things a woman finds attractive about a man is self-confidence and self-provision. The pressure is too much to bear when a man makes a woman his end-all be-all only reason for living and has no confidence in himself or ability to provide for himself (emotionally, financially, and/or physically) without her.
I know this advice may not mean much to you, but I think you're expecting too little of yourself and too much from a woman, or even just a date, building both up to be something that is unrealistic. You need to find a better, more effective way to feel confident about yourself as you are, how you are (single, age 21, and trying to cope with the issues in your life effectively), and not be ashamed or angry about it.
The "stupid fat guys get dates" because they have a level of confidence within themselves that is comforable and accepting of who they are and how they are, without many, or very few, negative feelings attached to that.
1489305 tn?1315183107
I'm involved in skiing, art, music, class, and work. I'm an extreme introvert, and meeting people is something that I don't really enjoy. I actually find it quite tedious and irritating, I only meet people through other people through friends. I try to meet girls at book stores and places like that so I can get a reading off of them before I interact.
I don't take prescription medication. I have terrible reactions to almost all of the ones I have taken in the past, one sending me to the hospital for chest pains and another causing me to go full suicidal, and everything in between. The only thing that works for me, and I'm by no means advocating its use, is pot. That's one of the things that makes looking for girls hard, they'd have to be at least willing to accept my lifestyle and not judge me because of it. Pot is literally the only thing I've ever used that did what it's supposed to do when it's supposed to do it, consistently.
I grew up in a family that, while they said they loved me, my parent's words always seemed empty. They've always supported me in things they wanted to support me in, and ignored things that I'm interested in even if I'm good at them. My parents are introverts as well, but they're unwilling to accept that fact and always try to be more outgoing, and that pisses me off. My mom always tries to make me feel bad about my intj personality type as if it's not a personality type but a personality disorder. She routinely tells me that she used to be just like me but "cured", and yes she's said that, herself. They act like I'm great and everything, but it all seems so fake, like they're lying to me like a child. My hatred stems from that and social conditioning from my peers. From the time I moved here in 1998 I've been hated, not a term I use lightly, by nearly everyone. I've been in 4 schools and the people have hated me the same at most. I've known one girl for 13 years and she's been a pretty close friend for most of that time, she was the only person that was really nice to me when I moved here. I thought we had something, I thought she felt something for me. Turns out she doesn't and I've been lying to myself all this time trying to make her something more than what she is. I've always known I wouldn't get her, but when you can't even get the only girl that's ever really been consistently nice to you to be in a relationship with you, that's when it really gets nerve racking.

I mean, with how I know people feel about me, my head is seriously messed up and I've been looking for anybody that will love me since I was about 16. I know it's not going to happen in Alliance, OH, and I'm moving soon to get away from this toxicity, but I'm thinking that a change of local won't be enough to fix me.
1789676 tn?1319682775
i agree with skeete11 :) ^^^^
1489305 tn?1315183107
I didn't think I was negative. I thought I was honest with myself. Reality is a *****, it *****, it's not some candyland where you get all the free lollipops you want, you have to work and pay for everything. Everything's all fine and pretty when you don't fail at every single attempt dating.
973741 tn?1342346373
Fantastic, we've talked before and I'm sorry things are still stressful for you.  On the plus side, you want to connect with others and have relationships in your life but on the minus side, the begining phases of that irritate you.  Do you see where these to things will cancel each other out and keep you in limbo?  

Now, introvert is often misused in society.  It does not mean that one doesn't like people or isn't 'good' with people.  Some "outgoing" people are seriously obnoxious and lack social skills.  Some introverted people are fabulous at conversation and making others feel 'heard'.  So, take people otu of the equation of deciding if you are introverted or extroverted.  I still agree that you are introverted---------- but what it really means is that you find your strength and energy from the inside out.  An extrovert gets that from the outside in.  I view introverted people as MUCH stronger than extroverted.

But I sense a serous issue going on with you------ while you do sound introverted and like your strength and energy comes from withing----  it seems your inner energy is negative.  This could be do to untreated mental health issues.  I understand that medication has not worked great but would have to hear your whole history to accept that nothing would work for you as well as your self medicating with pot.  But that is beside the point and not what you asked for in your posted question.  

I really believe that this world is full of people and while we are all different, we can always find people that are similar.  If you love books, join a book club.  This involves interaction but is 'safe' as everyone is there on the premise to discuss a book (with many people there trying to make connections for friendship and otherwise).  You just will have to believe me that there are others out there that find 'out of the box' folks very interesting and this interest sparks their desire to get to know them and date them.  

If you are in college-------  plan on being really successful at your career.  Yep, this is attractive to many because passion and success is attractive to many people.  Don't let this negative self talk to derail you.

You believe everyone hated you since 1998.  This is the voice in your head telling you this.  You have to change the tape.  I know easier said than done but work on it.  Please.  I say that with heartfelt sincerity.  I'm working with my little boy now because he already has started with negative self talk.  It changes everything.  You view kids that are maybe not friendly to you because they don't know you and haven't been give a reason yet to get to know you as hating you or not liking you.  (my boy does).  When the truth is, you (and my son) must be open to them (you are irritated at this process) without letting your own "stuff" get in the way.  

I think what I would suggest you do is make a 'to do' list with a couple of things this week to start out with.  Simple things you can do easily.  One might be to write a list of 150 things you do like about yourself and feel you offer the world.  Another may be to call local book stores or check on line at your school or the library or 'however' you can to see if there is a local book club or discussion group you can join.  Or maybe your other one can be to have coffee with one person this week that is a friend of some sort and have light conversation.  But do two things this week to move you in a direction of better self talk, image and using that to make connections.

I have faith in you.  I do.  You seem interesting and quite smart and you are young.  Your life is just begining and you can mold it into what you want it to be.  Peace.
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