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145992 tn?1341345074

Bored in my relationship

I need to know how to get out of this funk I have been in.  Things with my fiancé have always been up and down but right now I’m the one who has sort of distanced myself.  He’s being wonderful, very sweet, very loving but I’m very very bored.  I’m not sure what’s happening here, I love him a ton but he gets into these lazy funks where all he wants to do is hang out at home and watch tv.  I’m all for those lazy days but when it’s beautiful out, I hate to stay in.  I know I should go out and do my own thing but sometimes I just want to be a family.  But I think it’s more than just that, I feel like he’s been so selfish.  I know, what man isn’t.  But I feel like he’s selfish about everything.  Like his needs are always met and everything is always on his terms and if he doesn’t feel like doing something then we don’t.  I’m always up for anything because I’m like that, down for whatever, but with him, getting him to do anything is like pulling teeth.  I’m always, scratching his back or massaging his back or making him dinner.  Then when it’s time for my massage he forgets.  I asked him does he ever think about what my needs may be or if perhaps I could use a little bit of pampering.  He said he does but then gets too tired.  WTF?  Well at least he’s honest.  But it’s made me more resentful and honestly I’ve been looking at other men lately, wondering if perhaps I will meet someone and they will sweep me off my feet.  I know I have to sit and talk with him about how I’m feeling, I just don’t want to have a defensive conversation.  He’s been so sweet today but it’s not enough for me.  Maybe I’m too demanding, maybe my expectations are too high.  I’m not sure, maybe I just got so used to drama in my life, now that it’s calming down, I’m bored.  I don’t like the drama, I hated what was happening between us but I just don’t want us to get caught in a rut again.  Any advice would be appreciated.
49 Responses
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Avatar universal
life is too short
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145992 tn?1341345074
OMG...LOL...it's funny to see an old thread of mine.  Yes, we have resolved our issues.  We are still together.  We made 8 years on June 11th and it's been almost 3 years since the affair and I can say we made it past the most difficult of times.  We still have trust issues now and then but he's really learned how to deal with me when it comes to making me feel comfortable.  I also have learned not to care so much about what he's doing all the time.  We can't spend our lives always wondering what the other person is doing or it will drive us nuts.  
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Avatar universal
by the way, i realize this thread is old, 2 years old, but everything i read here really helped me. i hope everyone has resolved their issues, and i hope anyone else who stumbles onto this page can gain from it like i did. g'luck
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Avatar universal
i wasnt going to comment but i really keep reading what castro has to say and i agree....entirely and i dont think people are able to grasp the concept. I came here searching for an answer to my own problems but castro's insight has really helped me. In him saying human action is inately selfish, i think he is almost 100% correct, even with the "exception" of flowers as someone mentioned i would say it applies. think about it, in the act of a man buying flowers for a woman, he may think its a waste of time.....but he buys them, why? to make you feel good or to see you smile....you say, well thats not selfish.......except you may overlook the FINAL/END result.......when i buy my girlfriend flowers, she is happy and smiles, and in turn I FEEL GOOD because she is happy. Sometimes we dont think about it, we do "selfless/unselfish" acts and think its out of the kindness of our hearts but the ABSOLUTE END RESULT IS THAT WE FEEL GOOD ABOUT WHAT WE HAVE DONE. So there is never really a selfless act. It is indeed a selfish act, furthermore, if she wants to reciprocate the action then i "benefit" more and thus a cycle of action and reaction can insue....but only in a healthy relationship where there is always interest with action. (i am assuming a relationship with harmony and "true love" if it exists, as i am one to believe that there is no true love but simply the acceptance of another with whom you can establish a relationship resembling mutualistic/cooperative biological relationships in which both parties benefit in their own increased fitness). if you've never seen the episode of "Friends" where this same topic is an ongoing theme, where phoebe tries to prove an act that is selfless.......then you should really watch it, its easier to understand it through comedy. if you want to understand it further you should take a lesson/class or simply read a book in animal behavior. after all, we ARE animals.....
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646779 tn?1281996041
Yes, what mslkpage said - ''if our partners do something for us it's because they want to and not because they just think they should.'' Arguing inside out about how that is ultimately a selfish action really goes off the point. There is no real need to use complex theories to convey a point. That's my belief too mslkpage, I said earlier, my SO helps me with the chores because he wants to help me, not because he thinks he should. I don't think everything we do or act on is derived from our own selfishness, I just don't. And I just thought the 'extra' talk touching on Philosophical ideas of selfishness etc, was a bit extreme when all we are doing is talking about everyday relationships. Just felt that was going off on one. Also, I didn't say that mami's partner was selfless, I was using an example of many different partners. Affairs are sought out of selfishnes.
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93654 tn?1247499334
I think what crazy is trying to say is that we should each be complete by ourselves. The ideal partner compliments us, but doesn't complete us. (Sorry, CG, but your wordiness is getting in the way of your message.) And preferably, if our partners do something for us it's because they want to and not because they just think they should. There are a few exceptions to that, like flowers. My dh thinks they are a waste of money; however he buys them for me from time to time because he knows they make my day.
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Avatar universal
It's just about taking responsibility over our own emotions, desires, choices and actions. Whether you're aware of it or not, everything you do -being physically forced aside- is being done from a self-centered basis. Even if you do something out of guilt, the idea is that you're doing it to avoid your own personal feelings of guilt.

If you disagree, please elaborate on the reason for why you disagree, I would like to know the rationale behind it.
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Avatar universal
There is no selflessness. If he's doing it against his will and taking an emotional blow, he'll either resent it or it's been forced upon him, in which case it's coercion. Just as you would explore your own feelings to discover underlying reasons, philosophy can help create a rational system of thought to discover a basic structure and patterns. It is very useful, if you believe it to be silly, you've missed the point.

If he's doing it on his own will, it isn't selfless... which is healthy. He's doing it for personal reasons, love and feelings sometimes being one of those.

And I disagree wholeheartedly. Those who seek to fulfill their own needs are much more likely to be happy, to understand rationally why it is that they would like to do things directed towards others, so on, so forth. I see evidence of it everyday, surrounding me, and in myself as well. To remain oblivious to the obvious is a simple denial of reality. If you'd like to call an act done towards you, initiated from someone else's personal feelings such as love, which has a basis on the appreciation and admiration for someone else's qualities, self less, simply because it's you that's being overtly affected, be my guest. The label doesn't much matter, the reality is the same, it was never an act for you, but for his love or feelings towards you.
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646779 tn?1281996041
I don't think there's any real function for talk about Philosophy here. The in-depth analysis of what constitutes selfishness is silly and unnessesary. *wanting* or *desiring* to help your partner, for me, is not selfish, period (weather our inner self is selfish or not). I still believe we can all expect some **self less ness** from our partners from time to time. Those who constantly strive to fufill their own needs and those alone, have not got a character to be proud of, and is a person likely to be very lonely, now or in the future.
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Avatar universal
maybe the truth of the matter is that you just plain do not care for him the way you should, and if this is so get out of the relationship.before it crumbles luck  jo
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145992 tn?1341345074
That was very helpful, thank you.  It's just a lot of things going on right now that makes me doubt him.  I don't really want to get into it but I just don't want to feel like the person I'm with will never be able to be truly open and honest with me.  It's something that I have to look deep into myself for.  I just hate the fact that things go so good and he always manages to do something to damage my trust.  I will do what you say though.  Thanks.
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Avatar universal
To mami1323:

It's just a choice, really. If you decide that you would like to start that trust over, slowly, over time, you can. But it has to come from an understanding of the present, the past, your current feelings and the ultimate choice that you would like to see things change. Instead of focusing on what you've lost, then, you could choose to focus on how you are feeling now, why you're having those feelings -dig deeper- and more importantly, what you *think*, rationally, of your present relationship and the future potential. Then you can start from where you are, and move forward, perhaps seeing the positive changes, not in comparison with how it happened to be previous to your knowledge of the incident, but how it is now compared to yesterday, say.
One day at a time.

Seems like you need to think it over and figure our what you ultimately want. Either way, in some level you'll have to deal with what happened sooner or later, and accept that he might be a part of your life somehow, since you guys share a child together. Can't run from this one.

  It doesn't sound like there's something pressing and immediate that's forcing you to decide now. So, rationally, it seems to me that you could choose to take some time off, reflect over your personal goals and how you see your life in the future. Then start dealing with the past. Once that's all underway, see what you think of your relationship, and whether it fits within the vision you have for your future or not.

Good Luck!
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Avatar universal
Also, as to the argument of non-selfishness in a relationship, ask yourself the following.
When he does something willing, is he doing it because of his feelings for you, because he thinks it's good, or *because of you*?
The latter is likely to build up and evetually resurface as resentment. The former are inner, selfish reasons. We feel something strongly we perform an action with the outside world. We think things through rationally to our goal and see that performing a certain action is good. Philosophically these are both selfish reasons for performing what may be perceived as a non selfish action.
A healthy relationship isn't one in which people are constantly doing things against their nature and will, feel forced to do it.
It's one in which they *want* to. And ultimately, due to our closed neural circuits, that desire is *always* an inner one- thus ultimately self-centered.
Peel the onion layers and see.
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Avatar universal
  I didn't say a relationship would not involve fulfilling each others needs. But I don't think that is the point of a relationship. People aren't there to serve you, or otherwise.
If your partner loves you and chooses to fulfill one of your needs, remember it's a choice, not a duty. He wasn't born to do those things for you, and neither were you to do them in return.
  In the end of the day, it is always one's responsibility to fulfill one's needs... we're each responsible for ourselves. Demanding or expecting that someone else be responsible towards you is bound to create friction and resentment, sooner or later. If you ask something of him and he chooses to do it, because it's in his nature, good for you. Were it not in his nature, you probably would not feel the way you do about him, perhaps, and would have found someone else, eventually.
That's the point. Think of what you want, take responsibility for it, make your choices and live your live. Surround yourself with the people that will help you achieve that vision, who have the qualities you desire. If it's reasonable and realistic, there's no reason why it can't be done.
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145992 tn?1341345074
A re-write would be lovely.  I wish I could love him and see him the way I used to.  I don't think I will ever.  I think there is too much damage here.  I will never trust him.
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646779 tn?1281996041
You are so right about that - I have never felt so insecure in my life after he did that to me. I started to accuse him of wanting her more, of wondering in my head weather she was good in bed (urgh I know, but it's hard not to think of all the details), was her body more appealing than mine, and always concluding that she must have been more appealing, better in bed, and had a better body than me, or else why would he have been turned on by her and found he couldn't say no to her (surely the guilt would have put him off, but no it obviously didn't)... I still find it hard to deal with still. I saw them a lot before my eyes everytime we'd make love, and always thought I am not what she was to him, when we're between the sheets. If it's any consolation I can relate to your pain, so you aren't alone. I wish I could re-write the past myself, and clear the betrayal and pain out of it.
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145992 tn?1341345074
Affairs are the worst thing you can do to someone.  You make them feel unloved, unworthy, insecure, and so many other emotions that I can't even think of right now.  I keep trying and it's just not working.  I don't think he's still cheating but the trust has not been rebuilt and honestly, he doesn't work hard enough at trying to rebuild it.  Every time I get my hopes up thinking things are going to work out, something happens that takes that feeling away.
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646779 tn?1281996041
Sorry mami, I meant to direct my post to CrazyGastro's line of argument about relationships in general. That there are large elements of relationships that aren't based on selfishness. That's what I meant.
**However**,
I 100% agree in reference to ''affairs'', that those who seek affairs are filled with selfishness and thoughtlessness for the unsuspecting partner. And that sort of selfishness will destroy a relationship and deserves no sympathy.
I think when selfishness takes over a relationship it is doomed to fail.
I hate affairs, they are selfish acts that will only ever destroy people than create anything good.
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924332 tn?1284573918
Don't keep it all in, you will just explode and it will be worst. I think you need to pull him off to the side and tell him how your feeling. I
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145992 tn?1341345074
He is selfish and was selfish and always will be selfish.  I'm not having a good day today.  I'm not sure if we can move forward.  I am lost.
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646779 tn?1281996041
I disagree with the above poster, I *do* think a relationship is about fulfilling one another's needs. And it *is* fair to expect your partner to help you, understand you, and support you in a relationship (to seek to fulfil your partner's needs) - if it's love this should not be deemed 'resentful'.
We would not seek relationships if we were only satisfied by selfishness. We would not seek relationships if they were not beneficial to our needs. We may be selfish by nature but that's not to say everything we act on or do is decided upon according to personal satisfaction, with disregard for others, for our partners. Love for your partner is about having conciousness of their needs.
My partner accepts that I need him to help me around the house with the chores, being pregnant, I get tired quite quickly, but he doesn't feel forced or resent doing this. He does it through love and because that is what our relationship is built on.
I don't know of any *successful* relationships where the couple do not fulfil eachother's needs, or seek to. Relationships that are completely selfish are not normal, nor are they healthy, nor will they survive.
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Avatar universal
If I had read all the way to the end, I would have seen that you have started moving on and forgiving the affair... which would have saved me a few keystrokes and a lot of embarrassment, hehe.  :-)

In any case, I am glad to read that you've figured out more what you'd like and that you're moving forward in the direction you think is right for you.
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Avatar universal
If you guys had a clear and committed relationship where it was understood that neither was to sleep with another person outside of said relationship and he did, that must have been a major blow in the trust for sure.
But if you choose to stay and let the trust grow again, remember you're not really fully there if you're resenting and not choosing to forgive. In other words, if you don't think you'd like to forgive, that's ok, but it's a bit of a waste of time to refrain from rupturing the relationship out of feat. That will only prolong the inevitable.

However, in case you do decide that you truly do want to stay in and work together, I think there seems to be some lack of clear boundaries here.
First of all, in a healthy relationship there is very clear communication. You talk about your feelings and express what you want.

There's such a thing is compromise, sure, but you can't change people. If you've expressed you'd like to be more active with his company, he's expressing he'd like to be at home, and you're unsatisfied... the ball's in your court. It's up to you to decide whether that's something you can accept or not. If it's not, communicate that again and express the importance and relevancy of your request in a clear and blunt manner. Relationships are not about you meeting his needs... or him meeting yours. They're about exploring others, sharing important bits and the meaning in our lives, and growing from the experience. At the risk of sounding too philosophical here, we are inherently selfish and self-centered beings regardless of the actions we perform towards others. In the end we have a closed neural circuit,we're beings born as an end unto ourselves, we're each here to explore our experience. Everything we do is done after the spark of a thought or feeling. We're each responsible for our own feelings, actions, needs, so on.

If you have needs that are not being met, it isn't his responsibility to fulfill them- and it isn't selfish of him not to. Doing deeds and expecting other actions back, at the cost of possible resentment, is not likely to lead your relationship to a fulfilling, healthy and mature place. Do what you do because you think it's right, or for a feeling you understand, with a clear purpose in mind. Request - not demand- what you need. If he doesn't fulfill a need, examine whether that is something you can get elsewhere while still remaining within the boundaries established by your relationship. If it's not, ask yourself on a scale of 1-10 how relevant this particular need is to you, 10 being a deal breaker. Communicate that relevancy to him clearly, and request every time you'd like something- don't expect him to know when, or understand how important it is for you.

After all is said and done, examine whether this is the man that is right for you.
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Avatar universal
my mom though...my mom was great at doing the pressure points in my back....
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