Aa
Bored in my relationship
I need to know how to get out of this funk I have been in. Things with my fiancé have always been up and down but right now I’m the one who has sort of distanced myself. He’s being wonderful, very sweet, very loving but I’m very very bored. I’m not sure what’s happening here, I love him a ton but he gets into these lazy funks where all he wants to do is hang out at home and watch tv. I’m all for those lazy days but when it’s beautiful out, I hate to stay in. I know I should go out and do my own thing but sometimes I just want to be a family. But I think it’s more than just that, I feel like he’s been so selfish. I know, what man isn’t. But I feel like he’s selfish about everything. Like his needs are always met and everything is always on his terms and if he doesn’t feel like doing something then we don’t. I’m always up for anything because I’m like that, down for whatever, but with him, getting him to do anything is like pulling teeth. I’m always, scratching his back or massaging his back or making him dinner. Then when it’s time for my massage he forgets. I asked him does he ever think about what my needs may be or if perhaps I could use a little bit of pampering. He said he does but then gets too tired. WTF? Well at least he’s honest. But it’s made me more resentful and honestly I’ve been looking at other men lately, wondering if perhaps I will meet someone and they will sweep me off my feet. I know I have to sit and talk with him about how I’m feeling, I just don’t want to have a defensive conversation. He’s been so sweet today but it’s not enough for me. Maybe I’m too demanding, maybe my expectations are too high. I’m not sure, maybe I just got so used to drama in my life, now that it’s calming down, I’m bored. I don’t like the drama, I hated what was happening between us but I just don’t want us to get caught in a rut again. Any advice would be appreciated.
It's just about taking responsibility over our own emotions, desires, choices and actions. Whether you're aware of it or not, everything you do -being physically forced aside- is being done from a self-centered basis. Even if you do something out of guilt, the idea is that you're doing it to avoid your own personal feelings of guilt.
If you disagree, please elaborate on the reason for why you disagree, I would like to know the rationale behind it.
If you disagree, please elaborate on the reason for why you disagree, I would like to know the rationale behind it.
There is no selflessness. If he's doing it against his will and taking an emotional blow, he'll either resent it or it's been forced upon him, in which case it's coercion. Just as you would explore your own feelings to discover underlying reasons, philosophy can help create a rational system of thought to discover a basic structure and patterns. It is very useful, if you believe it to be silly, you've missed the point.
If he's doing it on his own will, it isn't selfless... which is healthy. He's doing it for personal reasons, love and feelings sometimes being one of those.
And I disagree wholeheartedly. Those who seek to fulfill their own needs are much more likely to be happy, to understand rationally why it is that they would like to do things directed towards others, so on, so forth. I see evidence of it everyday, surrounding me, and in myself as well. To remain oblivious to the obvious is a simple denial of reality. If you'd like to call an act done towards you, initiated from someone else's personal feelings such as love, which has a basis on the appreciation and admiration for someone else's qualities, self less, simply because it's you that's being overtly affected, be my guest. The label doesn't much matter, the reality is the same, it was never an act for you, but for his love or feelings towards you.
If he's doing it on his own will, it isn't selfless... which is healthy. He's doing it for personal reasons, love and feelings sometimes being one of those.
And I disagree wholeheartedly. Those who seek to fulfill their own needs are much more likely to be happy, to understand rationally why it is that they would like to do things directed towards others, so on, so forth. I see evidence of it everyday, surrounding me, and in myself as well. To remain oblivious to the obvious is a simple denial of reality. If you'd like to call an act done towards you, initiated from someone else's personal feelings such as love, which has a basis on the appreciation and admiration for someone else's qualities, self less, simply because it's you that's being overtly affected, be my guest. The label doesn't much matter, the reality is the same, it was never an act for you, but for his love or feelings towards you.
I don't think there's any real function for talk about Philosophy here. The in-depth analysis of what constitutes selfishness is silly and unnessesary. *wanting* or *desiring* to help your partner, for me, is not selfish, period (weather our inner self is selfish or not). I still believe we can all expect some **self less ness** from our partners from time to time. Those who constantly strive to fufill their own needs and those alone, have not got a character to be proud of, and is a person likely to be very lonely, now or in the future.
maybe the truth of the matter is that you just plain do not care for him the way you should, and if this is so get out of the relationship.before it crumbles luck jo
That was very helpful, thank you. It's just a lot of things going on right now that makes me doubt him. I don't really want to get into it but I just don't want to feel like the person I'm with will never be able to be truly open and honest with me. It's something that I have to look deep into myself for. I just hate the fact that things go so good and he always manages to do something to damage my trust. I will do what you say though. Thanks.
To mami1323:
It's just a choice, really. If you decide that you would like to start that trust over, slowly, over time, you can. But it has to come from an understanding of the present, the past, your current feelings and the ultimate choice that you would like to see things change. Instead of focusing on what you've lost, then, you could choose to focus on how you are feeling now, why you're having those feelings -dig deeper- and more importantly, what you *think*, rationally, of your present relationship and the future potential. Then you can start from where you are, and move forward, perhaps seeing the positive changes, not in comparison with how it happened to be previous to your knowledge of the incident, but how it is now compared to yesterday, say.
One day at a time.
Seems like you need to think it over and figure our what you ultimately want. Either way, in some level you'll have to deal with what happened sooner or later, and accept that he might be a part of your life somehow, since you guys share a child together. Can't run from this one.
It doesn't sound like there's something pressing and immediate that's forcing you to decide now. So, rationally, it seems to me that you could choose to take some time off, reflect over your personal goals and how you see your life in the future. Then start dealing with the past. Once that's all underway, see what you think of your relationship, and whether it fits within the vision you have for your future or not.
Good Luck!
It's just a choice, really. If you decide that you would like to start that trust over, slowly, over time, you can. But it has to come from an understanding of the present, the past, your current feelings and the ultimate choice that you would like to see things change. Instead of focusing on what you've lost, then, you could choose to focus on how you are feeling now, why you're having those feelings -dig deeper- and more importantly, what you *think*, rationally, of your present relationship and the future potential. Then you can start from where you are, and move forward, perhaps seeing the positive changes, not in comparison with how it happened to be previous to your knowledge of the incident, but how it is now compared to yesterday, say.
One day at a time.
Seems like you need to think it over and figure our what you ultimately want. Either way, in some level you'll have to deal with what happened sooner or later, and accept that he might be a part of your life somehow, since you guys share a child together. Can't run from this one.
It doesn't sound like there's something pressing and immediate that's forcing you to decide now. So, rationally, it seems to me that you could choose to take some time off, reflect over your personal goals and how you see your life in the future. Then start dealing with the past. Once that's all underway, see what you think of your relationship, and whether it fits within the vision you have for your future or not.
Good Luck!
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