Aa
Both of us are overly attached with trust issues
I need advice on getting over trust issues and fixing my relationship.
We've been together for two and a half years.
Before my current relationship, I was 'on the hook' with a guy who was like my best friend. One day he'd tell me he liked me, the next he was with someone else. That sparked a lot of jealousy and trust issues with me. Then he became abusive to me. I would have to hid my bruises and i believe i was becoming mentally ill. Then i met a guy who became my best friend and i believed saved me. He was in a relationship with a girl who constantly cheating on him, and he was always made fun of as a kid because he was "big". He also had an abusive step father.
We decided to both abandon our "relationships" and we fell in love. But now things are getting really hard. My friends all abandoned me because they don't like who I'm with. His friends and his biological father and brother are real "womanizers" and are really bad influences on him. He is always around them and really slutty girls. Since we've been dating, I'm not allowed to have male friends or he accuses me of cheating. He has to continually search my phone and now my facebook. This ticks me off, so i get mad when i see or hear of him hanging out with other girls. It's not fair and I can't help it. Also I think it's because of my past jealously issues and his friends. There was also an incident where I believe he cheated on me, but of course he won't admit it and he don't want to talk about it. Ever since then i always feel like he's cheating on me.
Don't get me wrong, when we are together (without other people) everything is great, and we are so happy, but when we're apart is when a lot of accusing is taking place.
I love him, but how do i fix a mess like this?
We've been together for two and a half years.
Before my current relationship, I was 'on the hook' with a guy who was like my best friend. One day he'd tell me he liked me, the next he was with someone else. That sparked a lot of jealousy and trust issues with me. Then he became abusive to me. I would have to hid my bruises and i believe i was becoming mentally ill. Then i met a guy who became my best friend and i believed saved me. He was in a relationship with a girl who constantly cheating on him, and he was always made fun of as a kid because he was "big". He also had an abusive step father.
We decided to both abandon our "relationships" and we fell in love. But now things are getting really hard. My friends all abandoned me because they don't like who I'm with. His friends and his biological father and brother are real "womanizers" and are really bad influences on him. He is always around them and really slutty girls. Since we've been dating, I'm not allowed to have male friends or he accuses me of cheating. He has to continually search my phone and now my facebook. This ticks me off, so i get mad when i see or hear of him hanging out with other girls. It's not fair and I can't help it. Also I think it's because of my past jealously issues and his friends. There was also an incident where I believe he cheated on me, but of course he won't admit it and he don't want to talk about it. Ever since then i always feel like he's cheating on me.
Don't get me wrong, when we are together (without other people) everything is great, and we are so happy, but when we're apart is when a lot of accusing is taking place.
I love him, but how do i fix a mess like this?
I agree with what the others have said, and I think you're really confusing "cause" and "affect" here, Nikki.
You seem to think a bad relationship caused you to now have a rocky/trustless relationship with this second guy.
I'd say you have a basic flawed idea in what kind of guy you want to attract, and now you've attracted two losers in a row because that's what you set out to do in the first place.
Two points define a line, as they say, and the line you've defined is easy to see - you're purposely choosing controlling womanizers.
The way you "fix a mess like this" is figure out why you are purposely seeking this guys out.
Who told you to expect this in men? (That's a real question)
You seem to think a bad relationship caused you to now have a rocky/trustless relationship with this second guy.
I'd say you have a basic flawed idea in what kind of guy you want to attract, and now you've attracted two losers in a row because that's what you set out to do in the first place.
Two points define a line, as they say, and the line you've defined is easy to see - you're purposely choosing controlling womanizers.
The way you "fix a mess like this" is figure out why you are purposely seeking this guys out.
Who told you to expect this in men? (That's a real question)
I don't think that a relationship begun out of need ever really has a fair chance. Please get your act together alone, not looking for some guy to save you, just for yourself and do it on your own. Until you can stand on your own two feet, you will not be able to succeed in a relationship.
He is trying to control you and if you allow this your life will end up doing things for him and abandoning the things you want just to keep him. Dont end a being a yes person but speak your mind. You have to take control of the direction this is going or your life will be serving his needs. It happens all the time and the end result is never good. He will see you a weak and play on those weakness to manipulate you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Sorry for your past hurt first of all.
Well, your relationship with him started out of cheating. Whether it was a good relationship or a horrible one, he was with another women when you got together. And you were with another man. This sends the immediate message that if times are rough, one or both of you WILL cheat. It is hard to ever believe someone won't cheat when a relationship starts that way. Because deep down on a bottom level, you both know what you are capable of.
The right thing would have been to leave on your own from an abusive relationship. To do some hard work of discovering how you got to that place. The first hit or push, most people would be long gone. You didn't leave. That is worrisome and if you've never addressed this, you should. Therapists are trained to look at these hard issues. He also did the push you pull you thing and again, you never would leave. The relationship was dysfunctional and you chose to stay. And you say your now boyfriend did the same thing.
So basically, neither one of you did any work to get healthy in your thinking. And now you have him trying to control you in an unhealthy way and you wondering if he cheated on you during that incident (whatever it was).
This is hard. I don't know what to tell you. I would highly recommend that you begin seeing a therapist. I think you have some work to do. If this relationship will last, you both need to address what is wrong about it openly. I'd see a therapist alone and eventually one as a couple. It really is the only I hope I believe. good luck
Well, your relationship with him started out of cheating. Whether it was a good relationship or a horrible one, he was with another women when you got together. And you were with another man. This sends the immediate message that if times are rough, one or both of you WILL cheat. It is hard to ever believe someone won't cheat when a relationship starts that way. Because deep down on a bottom level, you both know what you are capable of.
The right thing would have been to leave on your own from an abusive relationship. To do some hard work of discovering how you got to that place. The first hit or push, most people would be long gone. You didn't leave. That is worrisome and if you've never addressed this, you should. Therapists are trained to look at these hard issues. He also did the push you pull you thing and again, you never would leave. The relationship was dysfunctional and you chose to stay. And you say your now boyfriend did the same thing.
So basically, neither one of you did any work to get healthy in your thinking. And now you have him trying to control you in an unhealthy way and you wondering if he cheated on you during that incident (whatever it was).
This is hard. I don't know what to tell you. I would highly recommend that you begin seeing a therapist. I think you have some work to do. If this relationship will last, you both need to address what is wrong about it openly. I'd see a therapist alone and eventually one as a couple. It really is the only I hope I believe. good luck
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