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Avatar universal

Boyfriend, Porn, Sadness, the usual?

I met my boyfriend online in 2009 - I was coming off a bad time and our sex clicked almost immediately. It was casual sex and we were seeing other people.  I was the first to say that I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a casual thing.  So, after we would have sex, he would tell me about other women he was seeing and I was free to talk about other relationships i was involved in (all open); all this talking brought us closer and eventually, in Feb 2011, we got together in a monogamous relationship and we loved it.

The thing with our initial relationship - the talking mostly - was that all of that started to fall into our new relationship.  He would talk about porn stars having charm even though they were ******, and loving big breasts, and older women. Before we started dating, he would say that my boobs wouldn't make him hard and nothing about my body would either, but sex would. He'd have a type of woman in mind when he masturbated to porn and it was far from me -- with my slight figure with average breasts and a big butt.  I never mentioned my types of guys, just stories that would come from dates... maybe what they did for a living... maybe he was jealous of that kind of talk?  Maybe talking about how he was attracted to features other than mine (including their noses!) was his jealousy knocking down my ego (admittedly, quite a big ego).

And then there's the "hottest" one he's had sex with (just once) -- he taught her guitar and he loves looking at her facebook page, where she would look foolish, but I guess sexy, pushing her massive chest and butt out.  He brings her up in conversation and he looks at her facebook page constantly.  Oh, and he has pictures of her doing yoga.  

OK -- and then there's the porn thing... big boobs, milfs... for hours on end he can watch this stuff.  And he's received plenty of pictures from very large women online of several of their parts.  And he doesn't delete the naked pictures of large women from his gmail account. He's still on fetlife, but quit the more serious dating sites.  and, i'm sneaky and i don't care -- i look at his history sometimes and i see how much porn he can consume... and it's a lot.  He also messaged some girl on facebook about how attracted he used to be to her, but she wasn't receptive then... now he has a girlfriend, of course...

Is he using me as bait? So if we break up, the girls will all know he's boyfriend material and more desirable than he once was?

And back to the porn -- I was scared out of mind one night after being told by doctors that i needed a cervical biopsy.  My best friend had to have a hysterectomy, so that was on my mind.  I called my boyfriend-- he's a musician and was coming off a gig -- and I was upset and crying and he didn't have the words to comfort me.  I wanted to stay on the phone, but he needed to go and wanted me to go to sleep.
We were talking about him jerking off randomly the next week -- he told me the last time he jerked off was that night. I was devastated.  I felt all those things that I can't help feeling -- unwanted, resistible, inadequate.  Alone.
So that was two months ago.

Since then, we're still in love and he loves me to the point of breaking out in tears whenever I'm sad over health issues or family stuff.  We're in a temporary "living together situation" until November. He still looks at porn and I feel utterly unattractive to him.  I know he loves me, but I don't fit his type and I LOVE being that type -- it's all a part of my ego -- I also LOVE having sex.  LOVE it.  Every kind of sex, too. And when I ask for it more than once a day, he balks and says he's not in the mood.  That I'm crazy.  I looked at his Internet history those times, just out of curiosity, and saw that he had jerked off minutes before he denied me.

He can't believe that I think he finds me unattractive.  He loves me and has held a torch for me way before we started dating seriously. But maybe...

He, 25, just wants to be in a relationship with someone, 24, who acts like a 45 year old, standing by her man with his **** in his hand because that's what men do.  

I need more sex, but maybe it's too much?  Maybe I'm the one with the problem?  Is more than once a day, seven times a week too much to ask for?  Maybe he's not attracted to me, but attracted to the idea of a relationship, with a girl who likes to f*** and be romantic and be on his arm.  Or maybe I'm too good for this situation, and can do better?  Whose problem is impeding this relationship?
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Avatar universal
Porn addiction ruins relationships,its that simple,he needs to choose its either you or the porn,he can,t have both.Its not fair to you and no one deserves to play second fiddle to something thats cheap and fake.
Helpful - 0
1310633 tn?1430224091
There ARE good men out there that are all of the things you describe & want (~raises hand~).

1) Doesn't take advantage
2) Watches porn and desensitizes himself sexually
3) Doesn't lie
4) Isn't hung up on other women
5) Driven
6) Sexy

Quite honestly, all of the things you want are not a very tall order to fill, and quite honestly, your "requirements" for a partner are fairly standard and what I'D personally expect from a female partner (except the porn thing... I like porn, but not to the point of desensitization).

There are good guys out there, and once you kick this looser to the curb, you'll find one. Try not to start a relationship that's based on sex, because in my experience, that only leads to heartbreak.

Good luck.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone -- my insecurities have built up to such a degree that I only realize how obvious the solution is once I type it out and have other people, not invested, in on the situation.

I've been in 3 serious relationships where I've felt comfortable in my whole life.  The rest have been casual, friendly and lovely -- freedom abounded completely, so I'll admit, it took me a while to adjust.  I still talked to f***buddies all the time and was hurt when some didn't want to continue friendships because sex was no longer involved -- and then I hurt some guys when I didn't want to be friends with them because, vice versa, we weren't having sex. And I realized that respect, that full, human, connecting kind of respect wasn't ever really there -- it was always safe and certainly friendly, but they were never anyone I could realistically love. So I didn't care.  

I gave my bf time, but still, these damn problems!  I don't like feeling this way and I've told him and we've cried about it and it's always supposedly resolved, but then the issues come back.  It's like when he stopped smoking for me (my asthma) -- he would stop in the house, but we'd be at a bar and he'd leave me alone to smoke by himself outside.  I would be left alone, get hit on by dudes, awkwardly turn away, have them whisper to me that my man was gone, so what did he care.  I get so uncomfortable. And he returns stinky and oblivious.  I tell him not to do it and he does it again.

OK, lots of b***s*** here.  I see that now completely.  

But when I move on, what do I do?  Abide by The Rules and not go back to friendships based in sex -- withhold on what I want to do in order to be that good, marriagable type of girl? I'd love to settle down, but stay true to myself, you know?... I guess it's just a matter of finding the right guy.  Eh.  But a guy who doesn't take advantage, desensitize himself with porn, who doesn't lie, who isn't hung up on other women, who is driven and sexy... ha, I'm rambling now. Thanks again.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First I want to say that I don't mean this as criticism - this is an observation:

We teach people how to treat us, what we will accept and what we won't.  

It sounds to me that he didn't have a lot of respect for You from the get-go and the lack of respect continued because You "allowed" the relationship in spite of that.   Women have changed a lot about sexual matters but not so much men.  They love the sexual freedoms that we women allow now but often they do not treat women they have casual sex with in the same way they treat women they are having a serious, commited relationship with.  It's not "right", it's not "fair" but it's still on us to draw the lines and set the boundaries. We really are treated the way we expect to be treated and You deserve better than You got here.  There is a man out there that will love and appreciate the attributes You have/are and this guy is not him.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It is obvious this man has some serious issues and you should move on and find a healthy relationship  because this one sure isn't.  

Best of luck.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with RockRose in that this relationship is not good and it would be better if you moved on. You want to be with a guy who loves you and wants to be with you. This "man"(if you can call him that) crudely insulted you even before you were dating and you still decided to go out with him!? That is not good and you deserve better than that.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Charms,  this relationship doesn't flatter you.  He outright told you he can't get hard looking at you,  although it sounds like you're lovely and a lot of guys WOULD find you crazy sexy.  This guy,  doesn't.  But he does enjoy all the sex with you and how easy going and forgiving you are with this porn compulsion.  

You need to find a guy who thinks you look HOT.  Who really is turned on by your "type" body.  

I know the actresses my husband thinks are hot,  and they look like me.  Basically,  the same body type and style.  That is SO flattering and reassuring.  

You need to feel that secure.  It feels great.

I think you should rethink this before you put much more time into this current relationship.

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
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