I want to run out of my marriage

[disturbedsoul]

Hi

I had been dating my husband for 3 years before marriage, and now have been married for 2.5 years. These 2 and a half years have been the worst nightmare of my life. I had come from a very loving and protective family so would always think all families would be hunky dory. My husbands sister is separated from her husband and stays with us and doesnt hold a job. My fil died a long time ago and my mil is very controlling. She has tied her daughter to a leash and the girl doesnt have a mind of her own. She expects the same thing from me, but i would refuse to ever become like that. She has verbally lashed out me at every turn, i am a bad dil, i dont love anyone, i am selfish , i want to own my husband, i dont want to cook for anybody , she has accused my parents of trying to brainwash me. I have fought back but it has not really helped.They have even gone to the extent of accusing me of verbally abusing my sil's daughter.  I have gone from a happy go luck person to a very sad person. I am stressed out all the time waiting for the next fight. I have reached a stage where for peace of mind i can even leave my husband. My husband has stood up for me , but his condition is that i have to stay with everyone.He is very laid back and his logic is that every thing will get okay. But he just realize that we are two very different people and making us stay together is not going to work. I just cant do that anymore. I have started hating myself , i dont feel like coming back home. My husband and i both work and manage the house. My marriage is getting ruined slowly. Please help me out

[evewisewoman]

Hi there,
I have just finished reading your comments. I agree with you. You are
living a nightmare. Coincidentally, I knew my ex husband three years
too before we were engaged and then married.
You don't make any mention of any children with your husband.
You say your husband is laid back and stands up for you. He believes
it will get better. It probably won't get better. In your case, you mil is
verbally abusive to you. My ex mil was actually an alcoholic and my
ex husband was a borderline alcoholic. I think I remember reading in
your comments that you hate yourself, that you don't want to go home
because you don't know when the next fight will be. I call this living
on egg shells. You can't  live this way. You have to protect yourself.
My ex husband was very immature, he often picked fights, sometimes
he was emotionally abusive and he was a borderline alcoholic.
I divorced my ex-husband to save my sanity and because we were so
different and because living with him was like living on egg shells.
You have a choice too. You don't have to put up with verbal abuse
from your husband's mother. You also said you and your husband are
so different. Divorce is a challenge , but even more challenging would
be continuing to live with your husband. What if you got pregnant?
I'll be really honest with you. The idea of having a child with my ex-husband terrified me because then I thought I'd be trapped with him
and our child. You deserve better. No one has the right to disrespect
and verbally abuse you. I'm wondering if your husband is afraid of
his mother's wrath. It's possible if she is verbally abusive.
That's not your problem though. Would it be fair to say that the reason
you hate yourself is because you feel you want to leave your husband
but you don't know if you have the courage to do it ?
Hate is often anger turned inward. I read that somewhere. You have a
choice. Here's a saying I want you to think about that helped me make
the decision to leave my ex-husband
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference.
I offer this saying to you. You can change this. You don't have to
accept this. Just know you deserve better.
I divorced my ex husband in 1990. He remarried two years later.
I got remarried in 2006 to my real soul mate.
Abuse in whatever form is not acceptable. Verbal abuse wears you down.
Take control. Do what you need to do. Stay strong. Blessings, Eve

[RockRose]

i have a thought,  too,  about your husband.  it seems the reason he's so willing to sit there in the midst of this is because no one is attacking him.  All these women are swirling around him,  a hurricane of emotions and hurts and negative energy,  and he's basically sitting there in the eye of the storm where it's pretty peaceful.

Your husband has lived in this eye of the storm all his life,  this IS his life - it's unlikely he wants to change because it's not so terribly uncomfortable from his vantage point.

[RockRose]

Get out before you start having children,  because then you never will be able to.

When you marry a person you marry their family too - and this family isn't the way you want to live.  

Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

Go and hope he follows, that is the best you can do given how much he is abdicating the role of grown-up.  Tell him that he is welcome at your apartment, but don't let him con you into helping pay for the house where the in-laws are living.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Sorry if this sounds blunt
but
You have "tried to make Him realize how this situation is harming everyone and not just You"
so
Yes, that means You "will suffer" ("all Your life"?)
and/or
"just keep quiet"
and/or
"act out Your frustration"

None of those options will work in the long term.

[Life360_Dave]

With all under one roof its bound to be this way. Even in the best of families disruption can occur with all the personalities involved. You really need to get your own place where you and hubby can share YOUR life together not the lives of other people, family or not!

[disturbedsoul]

Yes we are all living in the same house on a single floor. So kitchen , living area is all shared.

I dont want to give up on my marriage, i really do love my husband and he loves me too. I just dont know how to make him realized how this situation is harming everyone and not just me. He says he loves everyone and its very hard for him too, which i totally get. But does that mean i will suffer all my life. And if i do want to continue in this marriage what should i do. Just keep quiet on everything , or act out my frustration

[TTinKKerBBell]

2.5 years is a long time to "live a nightmare"
"sad and stressed out all the time" is not good
and You say staying together "is not going to work"

I would leave and be grateful You came to realize that You can't live this way before there were Children.

Good Luck in Your Decision

[Life360_Dave]

Sorry about all this stress just terrible. Can you clarify the living situation again. Are you all living in the same house or is this from them visiting your house?

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't think an ultimatum will do any good.  He has already said she has to live with the situation as it is, with relatives in their face all the time.  I would tone down the drama, and save some cash, and get an apartment, and then one day quietly pack and go.  What the husband does when he notices she is gone is his lookout (I'd leave the stupid family household and come to the apartment if I were him, but I'll bet he won't.)  Divorces are pretty cheap in Vegas.

[Vance2335]

Think before any decision is make that you sit with your husband and just be flat out with him and say, "If things don't change ASAP I am leaving because I am not happy." Give it one final try.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, sadly, your husband has tried to stick up for you but has his own conditions for doing so which means he doesn't set any consequences with his family.  This makes me believe that you are indeed right and that things will not change.

If you are prepared to leave him and know that you will be happier if you do as at  this point, the situation is toxic, then I guess it is time to get a plan together and begin taking that step.

I'm very sorry it turned out that way.  I know when we go into marriage, we do so with loving hearts not predicting such horrible issues to tear us apart.  But your hands are tied.  Your husband will not separate from his family or demand better behavior from them.  His just asking his family to do better by you isn't working.  And honestly, I feel sorry for HIM too.  He's the product of dysfunction and therefore, his own ability to totally see it clearly and separate from it is hindered.  This is a sad thing for him as well.

However, you must look after yourself.  You mention your family.  Hopefully they will give you emotional support and you can begin by talking to them about your plans.  

Big hugs and peace to you.