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Boyfriend Refuses to Ejaculate

Hello, I'm having a problem with my boyfriend. I made comment while I was joking, he was talking about how he'd like to pleasure me and I said "Yeah, right. You always come before me." Since that he refuses to come at all! He says I hurt his feelings and he doesn't feel like he's comfortable to share that with me anymore. I think he's being childish and silly. What can I do to make him realize that?  
19 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, two things come to mind.  There is really nothing you can do to make a person be mature.  They have to get to that themselves.  

Second, while your comment was meant as a joke, it could be taken another way.  Basically, you are saying that he doesn't really please you in the way men like to think they are pleasing you.  Many men are insecure about this and you hit a nerve.  And maybe there is some truth in the joke you told.  Perhaps there is room for him to learn how to better please you.  

I would just (USE PROTECTION) have sex and guide him in what you like and let him get over what you said in his own time.  Most men don't last long denying themselves.  
good luck
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi, i agree with specialmom and also just give him time and all will be ok. Why dont you try to have them at the same time? Its very possible and is really the best way with this. When people start having them alone, it shows communication issues.
13167 tn?1327194124
I kind of disagree with the others - I'm not sure this is repairable.  

I may be misinterpreting this,  but it sounds like you basically said give up,  you can't please me.  

And now you're calling him childish and silly.

He might not be coming back for more,  IMHO

I think you need to have a very serious heart to heart and apologize,  and say you didn't mean that -

Best wishes.
Avatar universal
It's not that he doesn't please me. I orgasm about 70-80% of the times we have sex. I said that because he sounded too confident saying he wanted to please me whereas I always please him 100%. We still have sex, but I want him to get over it already
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, that is the thing.  I hear ya . . .  I'm sure you wish you hadn't said it but clearly, you cut him deep.  Men are sensitive about this.  Rockrose feels it is to deep of a cut to heal.  He may now always wonder if you are pleased or not.  Some men when dating just move on and find a woman they are confident with.  You probably made him insecure.

And I hear that you want it to be over.  Don't we all when we tick our partner off or hurt their feelings?  Of course.  But we don't get to dictate that.  Instead, we own what we said and be contrite.  That helps move things along.  good luck
Avatar universal
Agree with SM and RR.  

He got cut deep and he will get over this but when he is ready.  
13167 tn?1327194124
Suzie,  you're just not getting it at all,  dear.  (I mean that nicely,  not snarky).  

"He sounded too confident".  ouch and ouch.  You WANT your man to feel completely confident and loved in the bedroom.  In all rooms actually,  but it seems like you're trying to keep a lid on his ego.

That's a mistake.  
2217782 tn?1394363972
'Whereas I always please him 100%'

Sounds to me like the real problem is that you feel you don't get any gratitude from him for pleasing him '100%' like you say. Like you felt he had no right tp brag about his sexual prowess when you think you please him more than he pleases you? Perhaps this is where your barbed joke is rooted at?

Just what i gathered from it all, but I could be wrong.
Avatar universal
It doesn't sound  that You aren't getting "pleased" but that maybe You're counting how many orgasms He "gets" compared to how many You get??  He gets 100% orgasm - You get 70 to 80%? Is that Your point?

You hurt his feelings (ego).  You can probably fix this if You are more delicate - instead of wanting Him to "get over it already", instead of thinking He's "being childish and silly".  Everyone  has "ego" but a Man "needs" His ego to be in place.  If  His "male ego" is not "in place" You might not get those 70 to 80% orgasms.
Avatar universal
Thank you for all the answers, everyone seems to agree that I should give it time, even though I don't like that.

And I said that because I was joking, he was trying to set up a romantic mood  and I was teasing him by messing it up. However I still don't see why he gets upset, what I said is true, it is easier for him to orgasm than it is for me
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
How would you feel if he said he wasn't ejaculating because you weren't pleasing him?  

I'm a little worried about your attitude.  Being insensitive is something that makes me move on from a potential partner.  That's not a quality that bodes well for future happiness.  

good luck
13167 tn?1327194124
I don't agree you should give it time.  I think you should recognize this man will leave you soon.
Avatar universal

"However, I still don't see why He gets upset, what I said is true, it is easier for Him  to orgasm than it is for me"

As long as You remain insensitive this will likely not resolve ------- but, at least, "what You said is true"--------and so what is "truth" getting You?

Orgasms are nice - so is intimacy and making love, even when orgasm does not occur.
Avatar universal
Most men are brought up taught they should take care of their woman.  You basically told him that he's not taking care of you properly.  You put it all in his hands, too, from the sound of it.  Instead of saying what you did, you should have taken it as an opportunity to show him what you like by telling him you look forward to it and guiding his hands (gently) to what you'd like him to do.  Men's egos are delicate when it comes to sex, and you bruised his pretty severely.  You're going to have to work hard and give it time if you want him to stand a chance at getting over it.  To do that, you're going to have to get past the attitude you're having and try to see things from his point of view.

I feel there is a communication problem here deep at the roots.  Whether or not it's solely in the bedroom is hard to tell with limited information.

I would also suggest you take some responsibility for your own pleasure in the bedroom.  Not every woman can finish through intercourse alone and even those who can sometimes need an extra hand.  Whether it's his or yours is up to the two of you, but there is no reason (aside from communication issues outside the bedroom or worry/resentment) why you shouldn't be able to finish every time if that's what you genuinely want.  I wouldn't use the hand from the start but let him feel he's getting you really close (and guide him on this so he actually is helping; let him know verbally when he's found a spot that feels particularly good).  He may not be willing right now to listen to those cues, however, since it doesn't seem like he took it as a challenge as you may have meant him to.  

I wouldn't ignore what RockRose has said.  He may check out over this, especially if your attitude is that he's being childish and needs to get over it.  I would take it as a major red flag if my partner just told me that when he hurt my feelings (or even just conveyed that attitude through an insincere apology) rather than trying to be understanding.  Understanding and sensitivity to each other's needs are key to any relationship.  Without those, there is a HUGE barrier to communication as people will start building walls to protect themselves.
Avatar universal
I'm a little surprised by most of the comments.  Does anyone think the boyfriend is shooting off his foot to spite his face?  
4725879 tn?1368826572
When you stated that you please him "100%" it kinda chapped my arse.. No offence but, no one can fully please another sexually in one encounter. I would have to make my bf a sandwich, b.l.o.w him, rub his head, stroke his ego & lots of other things all at once for this "100%" satisfaction you speak of. If you can't orgasm, do something about it. Majority of men think its sexy when you touch yourself in front of them to the sight of them. When& if you are able to repair this damage to his ego, maybe when he says he wants to please you,lay back, let him & say something sexier than "yeah right, you always *** before me".. It's no wonder you only *** 70% of the time. Who wants to go down on an ice cube..my gosh.
Avatar universal
Most of us think S H E "shot" H I M------ but not in the foot.

She does say He "pleases" Her.  It sounds more like She's counting orgasms.  She gets 70-80% but wants the 100% He's getting.  

He was trying to "set a romantic mood", He was "talking about how He'd like to pleasure Her" when She said "yeah right".  It was an insensitive comment at a vulnerable time.

She's still making insensitive comments:
"I think He's being childish and silly.  What can I do to make Him realize that?"
"I said that because He sounded too confident"
"I want Him to get over it already"
"I don't see why He gets upset, what I said is true"

973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I think that sadly, this relationship has some issues and this won't be repaired easily.  And if there is no 'owning it', it will never be repaired.  good luck
Avatar universal

Hello there,
I've read most of the replies to your original comments. If I were you,
I would apologize to your boyfriend. It's pretty obvious to me, although
you were joking, you hurt his feelings. Basically, the way I interpret
your comment, by saying to your boyfriend, you come before I do,
what you're implying is that he's so busy pleasuring himself that
he hasn't pleasured you enough for you to come. Making love is not
about keeping score, who's reached a climax or not. By telling him he's
being childish, you're not acknowledging his feelings. You're not taking
his feelings seriously. A man's ego is fragile when it comes to these
things. If you want to keep your boyfriend, apologize, say you were
wrong, nurture his ego. Make him feel good about himself. That's what
partners do for each other. That's what makes a loving relationship.
I wish you both well. Eve
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