So your willing to risk your happiness for a few times that he's sweet? You know everything you said about him tells me that you can't fix him and he doesn't want to do better. I think you need to look at whether he is worthy of your care because your the one suffering to make him happy and for what -because you love. I thought it should be equal. While you may love, do not love blindly. I'm saddened that you haven't listened to the advice of others - you could have saved yourself the heartache at this moment.
He really has no excuse to treat you this way and I think it's best that he broke up with you. Move on and find someone who isn't overbearing and dictorial. True affection will overlook many mistakes, love will not discern them.
"Last week my BF was punishing me for seeing a long time friend and being on the computer late at night ( thinking I was hooking up with people for sex- not true) so he would not see me during the week"
This is not even CLOSE to a healthy relationship, or a man that is ready for a relationship. C'mon, you must be able to see that?
You aren't married and while you do have much invested I don't think you are doing each other any favors by staying together. He has much he needs to work on, and perhaps you have low self esteem? That you would be with someone who is trying to suck the life out of you and control you? That isn't love. That is dependancy and dysfunction.
I have a co-worker who is in a similar situation - her 8 year boyfriend wouldn't let her see friends, take a girl's weekend up at the cabin, kept her literally on a leash. This man has many traits of a mysoginist. She begs for help and asks what to do - he treats her horribly - but she continues, year after year to stay in this wretched relationship where each day new complaints about how rude, mean and thoughtless he is to her. We believe she is now simply addicted to the daily drama of the relationship because she is a catch - and could easily find a kind man to have fun and adventures with.
You can in a very kind way leave this relationship - take some time to be with the gals, do things for yourself, and see if another man isn't a better fit for your outgoing personality.
I don't mean to critisize - I just hate to see people in relationships that seem to cause them near constant angst and sadness - that is NOT the way a healthy relationship should be.
I am sorry that you are in this situation...
This is how an abusive relationship starts.
He degrads you, pushes you away emotionally, and punishes you... The next step from there is the physical abuse.
You are out STAY OUT!
I have been there in the past. It took a lot to get out and now that I have, I am happily married with 6 wonderful children and expecting 2 new additions early next year.
Re read your first paragraph and then you tell me what you should do. However, what we should do is not always what we want to hear. You want to hear how you can change this person into what YOU want him to be and not accept who he is. Well, you cannot change someone and that is a fact. Secondly, with as many issues as he has, I doubt that he has the power to change anything without some intenst want to and intense counseling. Right now you are letting the kind things he does rule the relationship and your emotions. But the bottom line is this. this is the best you will ever see and as your relationship changes into marriage, things will go down hill fast and you will rarely see these things that keep you attached to him. It does not matter what we tell you because you already have it in your head that you are in this for the duration. Or at least until you get sick of the treatment. How long that will take is debatable, but I can pretty much assure you that in the end you will cut your losses and leave. The tragedy is how much of your life you will have flittered away in the process. Good luck.
Oh, I know this is hard. I really do. But I must agree with everyone else here that you should rethink this relationship. I have no advice on how to change a man that controls you through anger, punishes you, and is so insecure that you can't have any life besides him. There really is none. I can give you advice on what to do so that you see how unhealthy it is to stay with a man like that and it is to see a counselor and find out why you would be willing to put yourself in that situation.
In dating, people are often on their best behavior. His doing everything in his power to get you back after the break up tells you that this is his absolute best effort. And he is still mad when you are on the computer and seeing a friend. He is still punishing you. He is still trying to control and manipulate you. This is when he is on his BEST behavior. It will get worse down the road. Much much worse. These situations rarely end with someone "seeing the light" and deciding they've been wrong all along. He feels strongly the way he does or he wouldn't "punish" you.
Walking on egg shells, feeling like you can't do things because of his angry response or silent treatment, not being able to be yourself or live a full life is not healthy. It must feel terrible for you. And yes, he can be great sometimes. But his red flags outweigh any good.
Therapy will help you see that you deserve those good qualities he has and that you can find a man that offers that without the bad ones. Everyone has faults but your bf's particular deficits are the kind that ruin lives.
I hope you heed the advice here. I know it hurts and is scary to think of losing him but I think in the end you will find a better life somewhere else. good luck
Hi everyone, thank you for your wise advice. Each of you that commented on my post had very relevent and true advice.
We have now officially broken up. We both agreed it probably was for the best. Yes I do have low self esteem ( but thankfully enough self esteem that I have a limit to how much poor behaviour I will accept and how much I will accept someone trying to control me- so for this I am proud of) But I guess I have ' rose coloured glasses on". I want a relationship, I like being part of a couple and just hanging out together. I do have the dream of living together and getting a dog and being together as a couple for a long time.
Meeting available, suitable men is difficult. I have had only a couple of serious long term relationships. I may meet lots of potential boyfriends but for me when I meet someone who I consider as boyfriend material ( and obviously they have to like me too! lol!) and they end up as my BF, its because I have decided (after a lot of considering and thinking it over on my part) that they are a nice person and has good qualities and so I open my heart to them. And thats why when it starts to turn sour It really upsets me. I am a 'quality not quantity' person. I would much rather have 1 relationship for life than lots of short term relationships. So, then I have a hard time letting go when possibly I should have ended the relationship sooner... I keep trying different things to make it work, and I really work at it. Other friends have said to me about this relationship ( 1yr 4 months) that I tried everything to make it work with my now ex BF and they would not have stayed as long as I did.
At the start my BF was great and I loved spending time with him. ( and I still do. There is no one that I would prefer to be with than him- just hanging out together, watching tv, making dinner ( and also seeing friends and family) that to me is so much fun. But one day out of the blue 6 months into the relationship he got angry at me for no reason, I told him not to speak to me that way and he stopped, but then a few moths later he did it again and then his anger and lack of communication about why he was angry, became more and more frequent and the fun happy times got less and less. I became stressed and unhappy and unsure, but not enough to want to break up. I stayed 1. because by then I loved him, because when he is great he is great, and he has so many good things about him, 2. I dont want to sacrifice a potentially good relationship before all efforts have been made to salvage it when things go bad, 3. and I have to say it, there is also some fear that I wont meet anyone else. And that has been the pattern of his behaviour ever since. The great guy I fell in love with is not the controlling, jealous, angry man I am with now. So I do feel that I have invested my heart to a man that turned out to be not worth it. I am upset that Its only with time that I could see the 'real' him and angry at myself that I could not see his true colours before I had fallen deeply in love with him and by then I had such emotional investment that I didnt really want to, and found it hard to, leave.
Any other comments about anything I wrote would be greatly appreciated !!