CODEPENDENCY!

[ddee289]

HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF  THIS? I THINK I HAVE IT AND I WANT TO KNOW YOUR OPPPINIONS AND HOW TO OVERCOME THIS ?

[Crystlas]

Thanks! :)  I have my meeting tonight in fact.  I always gain a lot of insight at my meetings!

[DLG5]

Excellent answer Crystlas.  I couldn't agree more.  Get into a course like this right away ddee.   There is more to co-dependancy than meets the eye.  It's a treatable behaviour.  

Donald

[Crystlas]

Hey Donald!  I will admit I was somewhat co-dependent when I entered into my marriage, but I came from a wonderful home with loving parents.  My co-dependency developed due to being treated very unfairly by my peers growing up.  He was the one person in high school that paid attention to me and I fell into his trap.  He did not get physically abusive until about 6 months into the marriage.  I became his abusive mother in his eyes.  Pretty sick stuff.  I was not abusive towards him, but he was really delusional and obviously had mental problems.  I finally left after three tries and never looked back.  However, I was left very co-dependent with men, very clingy and needy.  Only with men though.  You are right on target, I had this "comfort zone" while married to him.  I always got gifts and promises of love after he beat me, hence the cycle of abuse.   I am currently on step nine and you are pretty on target of the 12 step journey.  Pretty powerful stuff!  I am amazed myself at how much it has helped me in my current relationship.  I am more independent with him and really trust him, it feels great. The whole point of the 12-steps is to turn your problem over to God, put him in control and really work on you.  It creates a mind set of learning to re-develop positive and independent thinking.  Co-dependency becomes In-dependency.  I am getting there.  My most powerful moment was when I recently put a letter in the mail to my ex-husband.  It felt wonderful.  I told him everything he needed to know to release his power and control over me that was still in my head.  I did it for me, not him, but me.  It was an amazing feeling.  

[DLG5]

My doctor says that I am co-dependant.  It's a difficult disorder to describe,  but I'll give it a shot.

A co-dependant person will stay in an abusive relationship, (either mental of physical).   They develop a "comfort zone" in the relationship and feel bad when they are abused, but worse if they are not!  Go figure!     I think it comes from very low self-esteem;  in a way the person doesn't feel like they deserve anything better,  even though they constantly say they want something better.  

I've been in a terrible marriage for 27 years,  yet I can't get out of it.  I keep telling myself I want out,  but I can't take the steps to go through with it.  Mostly because I have kids at home,  and I also can't financially afford to leave.  

Crystlas said  "I am a recovering co-dependent due to an abusive marriage.",  but I think she had an abusive marriage because she was co-dependant.  There's a difference.

Getting help would consist of changing self-destructive type behaviour,  and changing the thought processes that convinces you that you don't deserve better.  How to do that is another thing altogether.

You did the 12 steps Crystlas,  Am I on the right track?

Donald

[Crystlas]

I am a recovering co-dependent due to an abusive marriage.  Anyhow, I joined a 12 step program with other women that are dealing with co-dependency.  It has really helped me out a lot.  I am now able to let go of a lot of my co-dependency.  You might want to find a local group to join to help you too!  It is great.  

[mami1323]

Realizing you may be co-dependent is the first step.  Therapy to change the behavior I believe is the next step.  It's really hard to give you a straight answer when there isn't anything to go on.  Be more specific and you will get better responses.