Aa
Can anybody help?
I'm 26 soon to be 27. Lost my mother to cancer two years ago, a bit before she died I moved to a different country to study and get a better chance to create a future for myself, at that time I was on a break with my on and off boyfriend of five years, after she died we got back together but broke up for once and all a year later. The first year from the death of my mother I was a heavy drinker but a good sister at the same time, as my sister went throw a nasty situation (she has two children, was abused, attempted suicide), now she is happy and pregnant with a new man.
My problem is that I have days when I do absolutely nothing productive and feel like I do not have one reason to live, let along smile and than I have days when I am super productive and take on more than most. It may seem normal, but it's a huge struggle and at the end of each semester I don't achieve the quarter of what is needed. I cope with financial issues which is a bother but I manage. The worst is this up and down spiral of emotions.
I mentioned the ex, because I still miss him like hell, still want to tell him how I spent my day and still want him to tell me the same. He has a serious girlfriend now and he is happy, which is all I want for him. I just want to go on with my life, which I know I am doing but it aches and seems like I make a step forward and than ten steps back.
My mum was a wonderful person and would understand every mistake I made and am making, but still I feel unbelievably guilty for not having more understanding for her.
If anybody can share any words I would be grateful.
Thank you.
My problem is that I have days when I do absolutely nothing productive and feel like I do not have one reason to live, let along smile and than I have days when I am super productive and take on more than most. It may seem normal, but it's a huge struggle and at the end of each semester I don't achieve the quarter of what is needed. I cope with financial issues which is a bother but I manage. The worst is this up and down spiral of emotions.
I mentioned the ex, because I still miss him like hell, still want to tell him how I spent my day and still want him to tell me the same. He has a serious girlfriend now and he is happy, which is all I want for him. I just want to go on with my life, which I know I am doing but it aches and seems like I make a step forward and than ten steps back.
My mum was a wonderful person and would understand every mistake I made and am making, but still I feel unbelievably guilty for not having more understanding for her.
If anybody can share any words I would be grateful.
Thank you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. We are always here if you need support or to vent or talk. hugs
Thank you. I will try. I was at the student therapist but she told me that I'm fine and I should concentrate on my studies, so that really didn't help and I just got more guilt feelings. But thank you, I do feel somewhat better because I'm not the only one thinking I need help.
So sorry I didn't write anything earlier. I read your kind words as soon as you posted and I cried from the bottom of my soul, thank you.
You need to seek therapy in my opinion, to help you deal with the past, and move forward fitfully. You should have that option included in your cost of education right?
I'm so sorry that you lost your mom so young in your life. I guess the only thing i can say about that, is that many kids don't get to know their mother at all, or lose them before they are more than kids themselves. At 24 you were not fully grown, and that can create such confusion on your part. The person you grieve is the one you want a hug from the most. Please don't feel bad for being in another country. Although i'm sure you're mom missed you, im also sure that she was proud to the core for your seeking to establish yourself in this world. And i do know that she is still standing by you throughout the rest of your life. She wants you to be happy and healthy. So get to a therapist and know that she will be at your side when you do. Please don't feel sorry for having to cry, or anything that might come out that you think your mom wouldn't like. You are a human with frailties, so don't be concerned about showing them in therapy. It's a very human humane experience, and you have nothing to fear. but fear itself.
Please let us know how you're faring? And remember that you can always talk to anyone on Medhelp about anything. You never need be alone with your thoughts and dreams.
Liz
I'm so sorry that you lost your mom so young in your life. I guess the only thing i can say about that, is that many kids don't get to know their mother at all, or lose them before they are more than kids themselves. At 24 you were not fully grown, and that can create such confusion on your part. The person you grieve is the one you want a hug from the most. Please don't feel bad for being in another country. Although i'm sure you're mom missed you, im also sure that she was proud to the core for your seeking to establish yourself in this world. And i do know that she is still standing by you throughout the rest of your life. She wants you to be happy and healthy. So get to a therapist and know that she will be at your side when you do. Please don't feel sorry for having to cry, or anything that might come out that you think your mom wouldn't like. You are a human with frailties, so don't be concerned about showing them in therapy. It's a very human humane experience, and you have nothing to fear. but fear itself.
Please let us know how you're faring? And remember that you can always talk to anyone on Medhelp about anything. You never need be alone with your thoughts and dreams.
Liz
Go to the library and get Wild: Lost and Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed.
Don't just see the movie - it's nothing like the book, except it's about a girl hiking.
You will find yourself in her, and hopefully her wisdom and spirit will help you grieve and heal.
Don't just see the movie - it's nothing like the book, except it's about a girl hiking.
You will find yourself in her, and hopefully her wisdom and spirit will help you grieve and heal.
SpecialMom,
Your words are very touching - I'm sure You brought comfort to Tananana in Your message
Your words are very touching - I'm sure You brought comfort to Tananana in Your message
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello. My deepest sympathy in the loss of your mother. And to the evil cancer as well. She must have died before her time and long before you were ready (but we are never ready). I lost my mom when I was younger as well and long before her time too. Tragic. Nothing has changed my life or rocked my world more. It has been many years now for my loss and I STILL can not think of it without lumps in my throat or great sadness. I can imagine how you feel and the pain you still have. It hasn't been that long.
I did go to a grief counselor after my mother's death at around the one year mark. It was healing hon. I think you need to see someone about your feelings. And you could be suffering depression which is leading to the lethargy and hopelessness and days of feeling like you don't want to or can't do anything. Depression is treatable.
The boyfriend is kind of something you are probably just ruminating over because you are a bit stuck in your current position due to grief over your mom. I had years of 'floundering' if you will after my mom died. I felt a little lost. In truth, it would have been a really bad time to get into a relationship because I wasn't totally myself. I had a heavy heart of pain I was dealing with. This is the same for you.
So, that you haven't moved on and met another man is to your benefit at this time. Think of it that way. BUT, you will. I am now married with kids hon. When the time is right --- you will be able to move on.
It think you need to look for a therapist and talk to your doctor about depression. I'd look into things that do make you feel good that involve only you---- I like to exercise and it is a stress reliever and a natural way to release our body's 'happy chemicals'. So, maybe try to exercise regularly. Eat well. What hobbies do you have? Explore those. Throw yourself as best you can into work. Take a class to better your hobby or work. Things like that ARE healing and force you to feel productive.
And I'm not sure what the above comments are about that you could have helped mom or saved things with the boyfriend. I couldn't have saved my mother because IF I could, I would have. I'm sure you feel the same. No guilt or shame should ever be placed on the mourning. Your mom loved you VERY much and wants you to be happy. She would not be disappointed in you right now but rather knows that you are suffering. And when we are suffering, we are just surviving. You are in survival mode. She, like me, would want you to begin living again. She's your biggest cheerleader if you believe in an after life hon. She would want you to be happy and would probably give you a huge hug right now and tell you that she is proud of you for doing as best you can under these circumstances.
Anyway, you hang in there and I'm here if you need me. Seek out who to go to for therapy and then talk to your doctor and make a pact to try at least one of the things I said (exercise, hobby, work, class, out with friends) this week. hugs and peace
I did go to a grief counselor after my mother's death at around the one year mark. It was healing hon. I think you need to see someone about your feelings. And you could be suffering depression which is leading to the lethargy and hopelessness and days of feeling like you don't want to or can't do anything. Depression is treatable.
The boyfriend is kind of something you are probably just ruminating over because you are a bit stuck in your current position due to grief over your mom. I had years of 'floundering' if you will after my mom died. I felt a little lost. In truth, it would have been a really bad time to get into a relationship because I wasn't totally myself. I had a heavy heart of pain I was dealing with. This is the same for you.
So, that you haven't moved on and met another man is to your benefit at this time. Think of it that way. BUT, you will. I am now married with kids hon. When the time is right --- you will be able to move on.
It think you need to look for a therapist and talk to your doctor about depression. I'd look into things that do make you feel good that involve only you---- I like to exercise and it is a stress reliever and a natural way to release our body's 'happy chemicals'. So, maybe try to exercise regularly. Eat well. What hobbies do you have? Explore those. Throw yourself as best you can into work. Take a class to better your hobby or work. Things like that ARE healing and force you to feel productive.
And I'm not sure what the above comments are about that you could have helped mom or saved things with the boyfriend. I couldn't have saved my mother because IF I could, I would have. I'm sure you feel the same. No guilt or shame should ever be placed on the mourning. Your mom loved you VERY much and wants you to be happy. She would not be disappointed in you right now but rather knows that you are suffering. And when we are suffering, we are just surviving. You are in survival mode. She, like me, would want you to begin living again. She's your biggest cheerleader if you believe in an after life hon. She would want you to be happy and would probably give you a huge hug right now and tell you that she is proud of you for doing as best you can under these circumstances.
Anyway, you hang in there and I'm here if you need me. Seek out who to go to for therapy and then talk to your doctor and make a pact to try at least one of the things I said (exercise, hobby, work, class, out with friends) this week. hugs and peace
Hi, yes this is all very normal for a person who has losed 2 loves of their life. You try to focus but memories keep popping dragging us back to square one. Also youve not yet acheievd your educatioal goals for financial prosperity and thats also causing anxiety, Then throw in the quilt that maybe you could have helped Mum or saved your boyfriend relationship., it all eats at us.
A wise man once told me that the bottom line about life is that we need to be strong so concentrate on your inner strength to get you through these highs and lows that come our way.
Also be aware that at the end, we are all we have anyway, as people will come and go but we will always have ourselfve. Life is about you not about anyone else.
Maybe say a short prayer to the God of your choice to help when you feel frustrated. Its not that God is truely there to hear us, its the concept that it is very possible that God is by our side.
Things we experience in life are simply that. They are experiences and experiences are merely proof that we are alive!
Let us here be part of your family and continue the good fight!
Dave
A wise man once told me that the bottom line about life is that we need to be strong so concentrate on your inner strength to get you through these highs and lows that come our way.
Also be aware that at the end, we are all we have anyway, as people will come and go but we will always have ourselfve. Life is about you not about anyone else.
Maybe say a short prayer to the God of your choice to help when you feel frustrated. Its not that God is truely there to hear us, its the concept that it is very possible that God is by our side.
Things we experience in life are simply that. They are experiences and experiences are merely proof that we are alive!
Let us here be part of your family and continue the good fight!
Dave
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