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Avatar universal

Cheating while separated, what to do?

My situation is a little different than most about cheating. My wife and I have been married for a mostly happy 17 years with not a hint of infidelity. About 4 months ago my wife started having feelings that she wasn't in love with me anymore and was spending a lot of time away from home with friends. About 2.5 months ago she finally moved out. We commiting to working on things and the past 2.5 months have included some very good times only to be followed by big arguments and relapses. The past 2-3 weeks have been especially tough. I think a large part of our problems deal with her self esteam because of bad things that have happened to her before our marriage (rape, abortion), partly because of the way we have sometimes treated each other over the years (she very irresponsible and me very stubborn and argumentative), and partly due to reaching our 40's and trying to adjust to mid-life. In any event, she was recently out of town and told me she was going out drinking with some friends that I don't think really want to see us get back together (they were at a trade show but traveled separately). These are same friends that she has been spending so much time with at home. I guess I was a little upset and decided I would go out as well. To make a long story short, I got really drunk, was hit on hard by a certain woman who offered me a ride home which then lead to sex. I feel extremely guilty about this but also realize that our marriage was certainly not in a normal situation. To make matters worse, the woman and my wife do have some mutual friends. The woman said she understood the situation and would keep this to herself but who knows. Do I tell my wife or should I wait to see if it gets back to her and deal with it then. I really do what my marriage to work and I'm afraid this would certainly spell the end if I told her now with everything else going on. At the same time we were separated but still trying to work on things. Any advice is appreciated.
10 Responses
Avatar universal
Having been a cheater myself and wanting to save the marriage, I came clean but dragged it out.  Dragging it out is not the right thing to do.  If you want to save the marriage, I suggest you hold your wife, tell her how much you really love her and then tell it to her straight.  It gets it all out there in the open immediately.... there's nothing to find down the road.  With that, break all ties with the other woman at once.

It is the right thing to do.  The damage is already done and you can't take it back.  When you tell her, the sincerity needs to be genuine.  

It is the roughest road I've traveled and we are plugging along, but I could have handled it differently and we may have been a little further down the road at this point,
1456694 tn?1307397763
I'm completely agree with brice1967. Yes, you cheated on your wife. Yes, that's a terrible thing to do. But you realize, and you already feel very guilty about it, which is usually a good sign for anyone. You need to tell her as soon as you're with her, because the sooner you tell her the more she knows she can trust that you want to make things work, and that you won't hide things from her. I can ALMOST promise you that if she finds out any other way then by you, you will not be making the relationship work, and you will lose her. If you wait to tell her, the longer you wait the more she'll think she can't trust you. she'll think that if you could hold something like that in for so long, what's to say you won't do it to her again. You can't just wait, you need to tell her and be strong. Show her that you can be trusted, and that you want this to work.
Avatar universal
you cannot make this relationship work again if there are secrets,espescially one that is so big,the last thing you want is for you and your wife to have sorted out all your differences and then this be blown up in your face months later,someone is bound to slip to your wife in the end so i think you should do the decent thing and tell her the truth yourself,being told or to find out by someone else is the most degrading thing in the world,show her some respect and tell her,drunk or not your mistake you have to sort it.
1703074 tn?1310022768
No No No, never tell. I was in a very similar situation, asked advice, and was told never to tell from someone that has been there. It happened after 2 years of constantly getting pushed away, and it happened once only.  However, idiot that I was, I wanted to do the honorable thing, and man, did I get hell on earth. I got physically attacked, my friends were phoned and told what a crap partner I was, she tried to sabotage my business, got false criminal charges laid against me, and more. The big problem is that we have a young daughter, so we are still together, and my life is still getting made difficult. We have done the councilling thing & this is 3 years later. Only 4 reasons I'm still around - 1. I'm Stupid, 2. I love my daughter, 3. there is the occasional bone I get thrown, and she's pretty good in that department, 4. I love the family concept......so Don't!!!
1456694 tn?1307397763
You can't seriously think that the best thing to do is to not tell her, can you? Not every woman is going to handle something like that so poorly. I'm terribly sorry for you,and for your situation, but it sounds like you're the one keeping yourself in a miserable relationship. This guy wants to make things work with her, and not telling her isn't going to make anything better. You may think you did the wrong thing with how your situation turned out, but it would have gone so much worse if she would have found out a different way. Maybe the people who told you not to tell her aren't top-notch people.
Avatar universal
Why does your wife have to know about this? What is the result from her knowing about a drunken mistake?
Is it really cheating seeing that she moved out?
973741 tn?1342346373
I agree with Vance.  There are times that telling does more damage than not.  This might be one of them.

You are trying to make this work.  If she has the knowledge that this happened, she may become fixated on that and not move past it.  

If my husband were in this situation and I wanted to be with him and make our union work, then I'd rather NOT know.  Then we would just focus on us and not have that 'extra' issue to deal with.  

So, there are times you have to tell because the partner may find out, there are times in which you should tell, and there are times in which taking it to your grave and using it as the knowlege you need to not make that mistake ever again---------  and I think this falls into the category of the last one.  good luck and hope it works out for you.
145992 tn?1341348674
I agree with Vance and Specialmom.  I am speaking from experience myself.  I was the cheated on party and if there were a way that I would not have known and my fiance had stopped cheating and did everything in his power to show me he loved me, I would never have wanted to know.  It has been 3 years of ups and downs and that trust will never be what it was.  We thankfully are back on track but still that doubt is always there.  If you learned from this then really why does she have to know?
Avatar universal
Tell her. Your wife deserves to make an informed decision. Otherwise the weight of your secret will become evident, she'll suspect infidelity and seek answers independently. If you open up, honestly and with full accountability for your actions, there's a good chance your marriage will recover from this hiccup. If she finds out any other way than through your confession, things will become very volatile, and likely unsalvageable. You mentioned that she runs the same circle as ow so she'll most assuredly find out through someone in that circle. (women who knowingly sleep with married men usually boast about it to someone). Also, you should get tested for STD's. If you resume your marriage and she finds out about infidelity via something amiss downstairs, your marriage will not only be doomed but there could be a potential for legal ramifications.
Avatar universal
Well what's a man supposed to do? I mean you may have jumped the gun on this one but from all you've shared concerning the strained marriage i would not be surprised if your wife is not being completely honest here and her "friend" are in fact some one she is having an affair with. I would not say anything about this incident but instead continue to go out and do you, but for the sake of the wife, try to have a lil dignity about your d••k and respect your marriage until you have more insight on what exactly the wife is doing and where she's at. I mean going out for drinks, please, Single people do  things like that, sounds like a cop out
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