Completely Confused

[JustAGuy37]

Well...where to start.  My wife is 29 and I'm37.  We've been married for 4 yrs. The sex was great the first year or so I thought.  But we have only had sex once in the last year when we both drank a little and she wasn't wanting it then.  She almost moved out in Dec.2007 but stayed.  We've had financial problems (lost our house, filed bankruptcy. etc.) She has M.S. and was addicted to hydrocodone for last 3 yrs. and I just found out about it this January.  She was hiding this and she wasn't paying the bills so our house got taken.  She lied to her family and stole money from them.  Anyway I have stayed with her and most everything is better but she shows no affection towards me or has much emotion when I tell her I love her.  She wouldn' t go to counseling.  It is like we are just roommates but she has had 2 outs or chances to move out and hasn't.  So... I was hoping someone had some good advice for me because I am at my wits end.  I know her emotions are being effected by her M.S.  but I can't go on much longer with out some affection .

[gwen2002]

She is going threw a health issue and u have to be there for her.She has to no u care.U have to show her more affection and maybe think of giving her flowers even if its not a special day just do it to do it.U will never get sex with her till she knows u care,love her,appreciate her,help her,and are there for her,etc...

[MrsOckert]

whatever happened to vows?  For better for worse...in sickness and in health...

It's just so easy for people to think only of themselves.  This isn't working for me anymore so I'm going to dump you.  I can't live without this (whatever this is).

Trust me people can live without a lot of things.

[BearHitch]

My uncle has MS... if you two were emotionally close, I don't know how you could miss that she had it, or why she would hide it.  Assuming then that you weren't emotionally close, I think it is reasonable for her to not DESIRE intimacy.  Maybe you should start dating your wife again.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to be dealing with this disease, and instead of worrying about that, you don't think you can handle no sex too much longer.  

Don't worry- you'll live without sex.  Focus on your wife, not yourself.  Marriage isn't supposed to be you give 100% when she does, you need to do it when she's giving 5% and 100%.  Good luck.

[martionnsb]

there is not enough information here. i'm not sure how bad M. S. gets...but obviously that would depress you don't you think..even if she isn't showing signs of it yet. You decided to marry her. That means ups, downs and sometimes the downs last years....that my friend is what marriage is...and believe me I have had similar questions (minus the guilt!) myself), I think it is natural. I agree with the timelines and goals but don't be too military style on her...she is your sweet wife you married remembered. Put yoruself in her shoes. And also keep in mind if it wasn't this...she could be cheating on you with your best friend, getting obese, being a bad mother...you will only be trading in one problem for another. by the way I'm a hot mom of two married five years who at the moment is at this site because I "hate" my husband but would never leave him... hope this helps.

[slow_healer]

You say she's had chance to move out, but hasn't. Have you ever considered moving out? It sounds like you're waiting for her to make a decision. You need to set a limit for yourself as to just how much you're willing to tolerate. Neglect/abuse is not the same as unconditional love. I think she has no reason to move out, because no matter how badly she lets her behavior deteriorate, you're still willing to put up with it and support her. That's not much incentive for her to change. You're still allowing her to be selfish.

I'd set some goals with realistic timelines and make it clear to her what's on the line. Tell her if she's not willing to seek counselling and/or work on your relationship, then you simply can't stay in a relationship where you're the only one giving. Both people in a relationship are entitled to affection and being taken care of - usually in reciprocating ways. Yours is no exception.