Confused & depressed newlywed

[Seeksd]

I am quite confused , I have been together with my now husband for 4 years. We met and got involved into a long distance relationship. We would spend several months apart as I used to live in my native country (Belgium) and just visit sporadically ... he has always been good to me even though we would sometimes get into discussions over me feeling he didn't give me enough attention when we were not physically near, it was a hard relationship, while being abroad I used to feel left alone and taken for granted ; one day i met a guy and I started dating him, we got along perfectly , we shared so many things in common, lifestyle, ethics, friends in common, hobbies, etc and when I least expected I was having an affair with him, i felt understood and cared, he knew i had a relationship abroad so we agreed on a no strings attached situation… A couple of months later my fiance and me finally satisfied immigration processes and i was able to move to his country.. The affair came to an end , we said our goodbyes and everything seemed in place , but we kept contact and soon this guy confessed he was in love with me and that he regretted letting me go… I find myself thinking about him all the time now, I guess we both fell in love ??? . However the marriage plans with my fiance kept on going and I got married a couple of months ago . I haven't stop talking to this guy back home , I miss him so much but at the same time I know I cannot be with him, we talk a lot and everyday. I feel so bad as I cheated on my husband, before and now , but it breaks my heart too to even think about cutting strings with the other guy. I am constantly anxious, I feel guilty and depressed, I feel like I am worthless and seem to be unable to enjoy myself or my husband , I feel I should forget the other guy and stick to my husband , but on the other hand I feel I forced myself into this situation. I am unhappy and confused, I miss my country, family and friends, I miss this other guy.. I don't know what to do I feel no matter what I do someone will get hurt . I even have thought about suicide , I am so emotionally drained... What should I do?

[Seeksd]

Thank you Life, I am surely ready to face the consequences of my actions. Your words really sank deep  on me and I just hope I find the answer to this situation soon enough. I just don't want to keep making mistakes as I feel is time to stop once and for all. It is hard for me to understand my own feelings towards these two men and it surely help to read your views. Thank you again for your advice!

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Seeks the situation your in is a result of cheating on him. Doing something wrong weather its cheating, speeding in a car, or stealing, one is left with the same results which is a consequence and each has its own price. I dont think what youve done goes against Nature or that you have broken some high inate human laws but you have gone against society and society does not have an option to marry and be with both men at this time in human relationships
What to do now is a good question. You dont seem to have great lasting love for your husband or would not have had a lengthly affair. This was not a one night out and about thing but lasted for a while. And you still have thoughts of the other guy and continue to communicate with him.
It is possible to love 2 people at the same time but society has made it impossible to be with both.
On a broad spectrum picture, i dont think that you went against nature and the universe by falling in love with 2 people but being with both at the same time in our time and society is not acceptable.
To me, from a social view there is no easy answer what to do, but i would suggest to search your soul as the answer. You did not mean to hurt anyone and hurting youself wont solve anything but hurt those that love you.

[Seeksd]

I did , i had had been totally In love with my now husband before this second man came around , I know it makes no sense but that is exactly what confuses me the most . In 3+ years of a long distance relationship no one ever shook my world or made me doubt. It had its ups and downs as any other relationship but never fell over heels for anyone else until now. I have given more details on an earlier comment to to Rockrose. Sorry i don't really reply that fast !

[Seeksd]

RockRose.... When I think about what motivated me to keep on with the plans is the fact that I was already submerged into the situation , I had been together for such a long time with my then fiancé, and we had come such a long way together that I could not imagine myself aborting things , family and friends had all already all  these expectations set up, i had been in love all the time, i wanted to marry him , I was happy when he proposed, I guess I felt like our marriage plans absolutely had to , must go on, were meant to be ?
Honestly I feel i met the new guy late, out of time,it truly came totally unexpectedly, i was not in the seek of a replacement....there i was with a ring on my finger with a good fiancé overseas waiting , three or more years of an ongoing relationship and I meet this New amazing guy out of the blue and everything crumbles ... I guess no one is prepared to have their world shaken that way, I was in shock :( ....don't get me wrong my husband is a great man, I do owe him respect and commitment but I sadly feel like I have an outstanding connection , deeper understanding and greater compatibility with this guy back home. i kept the plan going , I guess I was not brave enough neither prepared to change directions so suddenly .....
The fact that I have no friends here , no family , no one to talk about this here makes things even worst ... I don't want to hurt my husband but i also don't want to be unhappy , if I split up with him to go back to my old life he would be so shattered , he was divorced when we met and he kept single for a long time and now I know he put all his hopes on me , his new wife, "the one". It would be so devastating for him ,I know it.
No, I am not pregnant , and not seeking for it any soon, however he has a kid , so I am basically a full time step mom , not as hard as being pregnant but it does add even m

[Seeksd]

Thank you for your insight Specialmom.. I know it is unfair on my husband , not a day goes by without me feeling quite guilty. A counselor is something I would really like to get but it is not economically viable right now. Your advice has made me realize I need to do something but to do it now. Cutting all communication with the second guy is surely painful but it makes sense when you suggest it . Thank you.

[RockRose]

Seeksd,  when you think this out carefully,  why do you think you did this?  

Why did you go ahead with plans to marry a man when you were in love with another,  and in fact,  in a nice relationship with another?  

It doesn't sound like this is a cultural thing where this is a pact between two families that you couldn't get out of.

I would say,  although for some reason you didn't get out of this at the appropriate time it's time to do it now.

And I hope you don't say well I would but I'm pregnant. :(

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Well this is a hard situation. I guess when you started seeing the guy, it was not a great idea as I'm sure you are aware.  but where you went REALLY wrong is that you kept in touch with him and kept the secondary relationship emotionally going while going through the motions with your now husband.  Very unfair to your now husband that you have this secret life.  

I will tell you that things always seem better from far away in terms of being with guy number 2.  That relationship came about through cheating which means that somewhere in the back of this guys mind, he will always know that you WILL cheat if you aren't 100% happy.  You've shown him that and while he benefits from it this time, he'll always know that this is in your nature and that you could do it to him too.  That is one of the reasons why relationships that come out of cheating fail so much of the time.  You may never do it again----  but he'll always have a bit of a doubt.  

My best recommendation since you've now gone ahead and married this guy is to end it with guy number 2 complete.  End it and do NOT communicate with him.  Then give your marriage some time to see if it irons out.  If it doesn't, then end it properly.  After that, you could then recontact the guy who may have moved on or not.  But at this point, you've tied up two guys lives.

Your other option is to go ahead and end your marriage and go to this other guy.  

And last, either way you go, I think a counselor would be in order for yourself to sort out how you got here.  good luck