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1052305 tn?1254950976

Confused

The situation:

Me and my boyfriend have been together since 2006. I was 15 when I started dating him, and am now turning 19. We've lived together for a while now and have been through so much together. I love him dearly. He has been such a blessing for me. He treats me well and we do everything together, always have. He truly is my best friend. We've talked seriously about getting married and having children for a while now. The trouble is I think we're going in different directions, now. It seems like we both want different things, but we still love eachother. Sometimes it feels though, like we like the idea of being together than actually being together. I love spending time with him, he makes me feel good. But I constantly seem to have wandering eyes. I want to live where we are till the day I die; he wants to get out of here. We have very similiar habits and views on things, but it seems like we want to do different things with them. I fear we are just not "in" love anymore. I feel like we were so young when we got together that we never got to establish our OWN identities separate of eachother. I don't know who I am without him, or what to do. It's like I need him to function now. We've talked about this before, but it's too hard to go through with. Since we live together, we can't just say "Hey, maybe this isn't working out. Bye." We have bills together and a life together. We own stuff together. We live in a very small area, with an even smaller population; you run into everyone you know constantly. It would be impossible to just break up and not have to see him, which would make this so much easier. We have stuff at my parents' house and his. Nearly four years is a lot to give up and a lot of memories and I can't grasp the idea of being without him; even though I feel like I want to be single at this point in my life. I'm afraid if I leave him I'll regret it and it'll be too late. We've broken up for VERY short periods in the past, and as soon as I let him go the pain is unbearable. I don't want to leave him and never be able to get him back, but I also don't want to waste anymore time in a relationship that isn't meant to be. I'm just scared. We don't have a bad relationship and he treats me well, it just seems like it's fading away. It's hard to describe.. I still love the feeling of hugging and kissing him, and cuddling with him, but a part of me feels like it's time to walk away. There are other guys I may be interested in, and I don't know if that is playing a part in this. I can tell you though that none of them have made me feel the way my boyfriend does. But like I said, I know we LOVE eachother, just not sure if we're "in love" with eachother anymore. Has anybody else been in this situation? Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated!
8 Responses
686059 tn?1293833827
You both have been together for so long and have share so much, that you both have forgotten that you are 2 individual people, with your own difference in opinion and there is a whole new world that you both have not explored yet. Usually, high school relationships go there own way when entering college, because you learn new things, meet people from around the world and you have never experience what it is like to meet and date someone else. I say, let your heart guide you. If you are "in" love with him, make sure to always maintain your own identity and individuality, but if you would like to explore your horizon and possibly meet new guys and date, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and what is best for you at this point in time.
Avatar universal
Dear precious young woman. You are precious not because you have a relationship that has lasted four years, you are precious because you are an INDIVIDUAL. You never said how old he was when you met. Did you finish highschool? GED? What is your relationship with your family, friends and coworkers? Do you do things other nineteen year olds do, go to malls, shopping? I am sure you realize love CAN last a lifetime. Rarely young people find that kind of love. Marriage love is giving oneself up to serve the other, but both must be willing. Your boyfriend may be growing up and changing into the man he is to become. You think you are a woman and because you have been with him for four years you "know" him and "know" your relationship.
You are talking to a person who has been happily married for over  thirty four years and I still can say there are things that surprise me about my beloved. Get your things, go back to school, be the kid you didn't get to be before you try being a Mom, trust me you need to be sure you have done somethings before you raise kids. Really, I am not trying to be condescending, far from it. You wrote, I heard and offered some old sage advice...wisdom. It is time you find out who you are without this person, the INDIVIDUAL YOU. I still have me, have us and he has him. We enhance eachother together and we bring change, newness and welcome difference by being ourselves doing other things that interest us individually.  I hope this helps. zzzmykids
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I must say that I agree with zzzmykids.  Marriage and family are hard work . . . as a married mom, I say this in all honesty.  If you have doubts such as you are having, I think you will have an entire relationship with this man wondering what if.  When you hit a rough patch as all relationships will do from time to time, you will revisit these thoughts forever.  Now is the time to explore it.  You hate the idea of throwing away a decent relationship but you have enough doubt that I think you should explore what it is like to be on your own.  My dear friend married her highschool sweet heart.  They are still together but have had a good deal of counseling.  She still questions if she should have dated more and wishes her husband wasn't the only man she ever knew.  It causes her to have doubts about where she is at.  You are wise to realize that now would be the time to see what else the world has to offer.  It is a risk, for sure.  But in life, taking risks can bring our greatest gains.   Sometimes they bring our greatest losses as well, but you will never know unless you try.  
good luck
1052305 tn?1254950976
To answer your questions, my boyfriend will be turning 21 this May. I sometimes hangout with girls, but not often, I never have, lol. I'm not a big fan of females, lol. We usually hangout with other couples and we both get along well with our families. We both finished high school, as well. We're just not sure what to do now. We both work. & I wasn't implying I was going to have kids anytime soon! :P I'm waitin a few years yet, in any case! Lol. I just meant we talked about our future together.

But also, if we should end it - how? Like how do you not just go back to eachother just because your feelings are so strong? I'm just so scared of what will happen, I cry just thinking about it. I'm just scared I'll do something stupid or get out of control if I don't have him in my life. I know, for me at least, when breaking up - it cannot be a slow, drawn out, process and in our situation, it kind of will be since we live together and have eachother's belongings at eachother's parents and such, and like I said, you can't exactly avoid people in this town.

I'm just starting to feel like there's no solution to this problem and it is stressing me out like crazy.
1126464 tn?1300799701
I know it may preaching but it  the only thing i know,
PRAY ABOUT THIS , ask the lord what to do , he won't lead you wrong,
he is waiting to help I promise you can't go wrong , be patient your answer will come


be blessed favored07
176495 tn?1301280412
my son, now in his mid 20's, recently became engaged to his highschool sweetheart..they went their separate ways for nearly 10 years, dated other people but found that they both loved each other and nobody else was going to do.

It might not do you both any harm to talk about this, see other people for a year or 2 and see where you are then.  You might find you come right back to each other (which personally I feel you will)...you could be one of the rare couples that meet young and spend the rest of their lives together as we read about with many elderly couples.  But I'd give it a chance with others...you are both still "growing" into adults and can both change over the next couple years and STILL come back to each other.

You sound to me like a very mature young woman and are clearly thinking and talking this through and my heart goes out to both of you and I hope and pray you find the solution


Jim
686059 tn?1293833827
Amen!
Avatar universal
Dear tinydreams22,
There is a difference in asking a question and wanting the answer you have already decided on...and asking a question and reviewing what "sage" women have to offer you. Each of us has tried to help with a solution. The best is PRAY. In all things seek God. As for not doing the 'girl' thing, well I was that way and did not like girls really until I PRAYED asking God to bring safe, wise women into my life...and within a year He did...because I was ready. You will not know what to do with a relationship that is relatively a short one, though you think it is long, until you are ready to put up with his lousy attitude towards you, or you get out and FIND yourself. I can say this, when we were married a year, I thought, wow this is a long time. Now at 34 years and he being my very best friend, I can tell you it has been no time at all.
Do I know him? He is always maturing, evolving, developing new interests as I am, so I know him as he is now but not ten years from now. Find yourself, please, you are precious and worth it without the dependence on another for your worth. This is a relationship based on addiction not self worth. zzz
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