Confused

[FEOT]

Ill give some background real quick. Been married for 10 years this may (been together for 13). We have had a few UPS and downs. I want to say normal in a marriage. 7 years ago I was filing for divorce. I had also met someone. All that didnt fall thru. Hubby and I worked things out. Last year march he told me he didnt know if he loved me anymore and said it was my fault because of what has happened 7 years ago. I still had contact with this other guy and so on. I honestly wanted to die. The only thing that held me back was my then 2 year old son (3 now). My hubby saw saw me cry and lose interested in everything and didnt care to see me fall apart. So April 4 of last year in the middle of all the mess I find out we are expecting. It was a news that broke my heart and made me hope a little at the same time.  Things werent good till about a few months in. It seemed that we were getting past all this. Months went by and we were finally doin TV great, we find out we are expecting a little girl, which made him really happy. Our daughter is born and everything is great. Though there was something that still was in the back of my mind, killing me slowly. His phone. He carried his dang phone everywhere. To the bathroom, he slept with it. Any place you can think of he took it there. So I did my little FBI work. Come to find text messages to a specific number since october, our daughter was born Nov 29. So I dig up a name and all. I call him right away and ask for an explanation. Who the hell is this and why all the text messages. He said she was just a friend. Told me he would deleted her number and never talk to her  again. I qot more upset to find out that the most special days in our life and marriage were shared. He text her when our daughter was born. On my baby shower,our sons bday. I was a me found this out 3 Weeks after I had our little girl. So I said fine. I find out he talks to this chick again, im done. He would talk to her on the phone and text all day everyday . I asked what they talked about, he tells me everyday stuff. I dont get it we were great. Well my gutt was telling me something else I started looking at more phone history and find Another phine number in march when he said he didnt think he didnt want to be with me or loved me. He stopped talking to this person in June according to phine records. I Comfronted him and o told him how dared he blame me and point the finger at me when he was texting someone else. A friend who he tells me nothing happen. He never did anything with neither of them. So after all this I made him change his number. He tells me he loves me and is in love with me. So I think to myself, did I miss something. How do you do this to someone. We had maxe it this far and you go do this. He migth as well slept with them. It seems like we are doing great. I just cant help but to bring it up. Im so paranoid. I feel like I want to check his phone all the time. I dont. I sit here awake at night thinking all kinds of stuff. I need some advice. Im going crazy : (

[Londres70]

I will agree with Specialmom.

I get that you are on board in regards to therapy, but is your husband?  

"Get over it".....yes, that may happen AFTER therapy but definitely NOT without it.  Seems like he is just "minimizing the situation" to something that is not serious when it is.  

Without trust, there is NO relationship in my opinion.  

[specialmom]

Well I agree hon that he did wrong and shouldn't brush it under the carpet.  Whatever you did 7 years ago didn't make it 'okay' for him to wander.  He may not have slept with them but he betrayed you by being close to another woman.  And then when he thought of leaving, he blamed you instead of his own contribution.  

It may be hard to get counseling set up but I really think it is the best option for you.  You may even want to work with someone alone on top of that just to work through emotions you have about this.  It's hard to trust again.  I would say that he does need to accept responsibility for his outside relationships and admit that they were wrong.  This will help you feel better rather than minimizing how you feel.  

If he's open to therapy, make it a priority.  I hope it all works out for you.  

[FEOT]

We were seperated and yes I was with someone else. I had moved out and had signed paperwork they were never filed. Reason why I left before was because he didnt treat me right and after 6 years back then, I couldnt do it anymore. I was honest with him and told him everythng. I said if you want to be with me after all this, we can make it. He presisted and I still loved him so we made things work. It was the best time of our lives. He changed so much, he was great. We were great.

Normal UPS and downs I meant like you know little arguments here and there. Normal stuff.

I didnt keep communication with this guy. maybe once or twice he did contact me to see how was doing. But nothing more than that. our life was great, why would I screw it up. I do want to say our jobs and schedule did have something to do with it. We never saw each other when we did it was quick make dinner get  ready for bed and do the same thing all over again the next day. His decision on saying he didnt want to be with me was after my girl trip to Vegas. And him texting this friend the whole weekend I was gone. It was like a slap in the face. I was like what are you talking about. Since when dont you want to be with me. We had so many plans. He said it was my fault. My fault? We were past all this.
I do want us to go to theraphy. We are in the middle of a move, so it makes things more  stressful.
When I bring stuff up he tells me to get over it. He didnt didnt sleep or did anything with them. I just feel like he put me thru hell after everything that happen 7 years ago for him just to be like get over it. I made sure and re assured him I wanted nothing more thab to be with and have family. I get a "get over it".

[specialmom]

Okay, a couple of things I noted from your post.  You say that you have ups and downs but  you think they are normal.  I kind of disagree.  YOU had almost ended the relationship after 3 years because you "met someone else".  Did you cheat?  Then you kept in contact with this person.  Yes, it was seven years ago but that is more than a regular old, normal up and down thing.  That tells me your relationship has had a lot of issues.  When you did that, I guess your husband then got the green light to have these emotional affairs.  I agree that it is not fair to blame just you for a break up when he himself was not doing right by your marriage.  

However, I really think the two of you need to think about what you want and try to have a fresh start.   If you want to be together, go to couples therapy, start being an open book with one another, reconnect.  If you find you can't get over this or he can't get over your infidelity----  then the relationship won't work.  

Try therapy.  Be open to owning your contribution to the troubles in this marriage and he should won his.  Make changes the both of you and hopefully you will have a shot to save this.  Try to think about how it feels during the 'ups' and when things are good.  good luck

[Londres70]

No couples' therapy done at all?  If not, you all need this like NOW.  

There are definitely trust issues from both sides and your husband feels like he should "finger point" or blame you for all your woes, which will solve nothing.  

What he was doing is considered emotional cheating.  If she was "just a friend" then he should have been able to tell you all about her.  You don't HIDE friends.  Plus, this woman should have had more sense not to be doing this with a married man; stupid on her part and shows a lack of respect to someone's marriage.  

Get some therapy on board soon for the sake of yourselves and your two children.  

[LovelyLady926]

hello. your husband is treating u horribly. u deserve to be treated better. why do u keep putting up w/this?

[FEOT]

Sorry about some of the spelling.  My phone has a mind of its own.

Another thing...I text the girl from march. She text my hubby when he still had the old number, asking how the family was doing. He didnt reply, phone record for proof. I text her to never text my husband again. She apoligized and said she didnt mean to disrespect. She would never text again.