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Avatar universal

Controlling, manipulating boyfriend advice needed on what to do

I have been in a relationship for a year and everything was going great at first. I am 23 and a postgraduate student living on campus in university, my boyfriend is a successful 28 year old business man. He started visiting me at university almost every other day to make our relationship stronger. He would turn up to university all the time which i did not mind as I was flattered that he would travel so far to my uni just to see me, that too very often. Slowly he started to change he would interfere with my university live and not let me socialize or make any friends. A few months ago I told him that I have to attend a friends birthday party and that I wont be able to see him that night. He deliberately came to campus and started saying things like this party is more important than me etc, despite me telling him in advance about this party. I still told him I was going and left for the party. He decided to go and drink sat in his car and then turned up outside the pub where I was with my friends and created a scene. We then left and went back to my accommodation where he argued and then started to throw things around the room, he ripped of the posters in my room and started banging his own head on the table. I could not believe it and thought he has lost his mind. I tried to speak to him in which I found that the argument escalated and then he held me by the wrist and threw me across the room. He then opened one of my draws and took something and walked out of the room. I went behind him to ask what he had taken and he slammed the door into my foot so violently i could not stand and sat straight on the floor, he did not even bother to stop or look back. He came back later and i told him he can sleep on the floor but he must leave in the morning i do not ever want to see him again. He begged and pleaded the next morning to forgive him and i did.

Everything then continued as normal with no violent outbreaks. However, he would still control me indirectly by making me feel bad every time i want to go out. If i do not answer my phone he would say "oh now you cant even answer your phone for a second and speak to me". Other comments he would make such as "you go out with your friends you dont even care about me" etc. I suffer from low self confidence, social anxiety and panic attacks and part of coming back to uni as a postgrad was to be able to overcome my issues of social anxiety and confidence, I explained this to him and told him that I am not going out just to have fun, but it is required as I have to build my confidence and try and be a normal social person of my age. He does not care so i stooped going out and always stay in my room and speak him on skype, on the phone or only see him and no one else. Have not even been able to visit my own parents.

Recently I discovered a picture of him masturbating over his ex girlfriends picture. I was shaking, trembling all over the place and could not stop crying. However due to my social anxiety i have not made any friends and feel trapped and that he is my only friend. I understand how much of a pathetic person i sound like but i cant get away i feel so alone. I did not confront him and forgive him mentally myself and continued. I then found that he is watching porn in his search history when i was looking for something else. Later I found in the search history again that he was looking for local escorts. Again i suffered from panic attacks and could not breathe. I feel all alone as i have not been able to make any friends because of him and now feel i have no place to turn. I want to leave him but am now worried that he has intimate pics and videos of me and will release them if i leave him. I have asked him several times in general if he is sure he wants to be in a relationship with me and if i am really what he wants, he has confirmed over and over that it is me he wants to be with. I can clearly tell he is lying as his behavior proves him to do so. What do i do please can someone advise me?
23 Responses
Avatar universal
Are you certain or not he has these intimate pics?

He is a "28 year-old successful businessman" but has time for all this nonsense?

You mentioned you went to a party a friend was having, but then you state you have no friends?  Do you have any support group whatsoever?  Why can't you see your own parents?

He is a ticking time bomb and you REALLY, REALLY need to separate yourself from him.  Leave him and get the authorities involved if needed.  

Are you seeing a therapist for your issues?  If not, find one PRONTO!  I am sure the campus can help you out with that.  
Avatar universal
Hi, Thank your for commenting.
I am not certain if he has any pictures, but i have a strong feeling he may have due to his perverted nature which i have now discovered.

The party was at the start of university, shortly after freshers week, when every student is friendly and looking to make friends. I met some students at the start before my boyfriend started behaving this way. And made some new friends, however they did not remain as I was not allowed to socialize without being made felt guilty for going out.

He is a software developer and only needs his laptop to work. He is self employed, through his own company and offers his service through contracts to other companies. Meaning that he only has to carry his laptop everywhere and that is all. He does attend a few days at the company but varies, depending on the company type. So went ever he would come to see me he was not losing out as he would continue his work on his laptop.

I am currently seeing a counselor on campus at university to over come my social anxiety and self confidence issues.
Avatar universal
Hon, this man is ruining your life.  

Have you discussed this situation with your therapist at all?

The guilt is coming from you.  You can only make yourself feel guilty.

Did you send him intimate pics and/or allow yourself to be photographed in an explicit manner?  You should know this.
Avatar universal
I know but I feel so trapped!

I have not yet discussed with my therapist as i was more focusing on my self confidence issues and social anxiety with her but plan on doing so in my next appointment.

I will have to learn how to control the guilt aspect.

I have not sent him any, however please do not judge me, I know it was a really irresponsible and bad thing to do. But we have masturbated with each other over skype. And i am now worried he will have it recorded or have taken snapshots.


Avatar universal
No judgement here; I was just trying to get clarity about the situation with the pictures.  

CUT THIS OFF NOW for your own sake.  Get authorities involved if need be.  

"I have not yet discussed with my therapist as i was more focusing on my self confidence issues and social anxiety with her but plan on doing so in my next appointment."................Hon, this situation trumps EVERYTHING else at this time.  It is destroying your life.  Get an appointment soon as possible and make this the ONLY thing you discuss with your therapist.  He/she needs to help you sort this out ASAP.  

This guy sounds like he is spinning out of control...............time bomb.
Avatar universal
He may or may not have pics.....hopefully he doesn't.
1696489 tn?1370825574
Yes - go to your local courthouse and get a restraining order against this monster.  He is WRECKING your life.  He does not show any sympathy/support for your struggles with anxiety.  And, the guy is flat-out DANGEROUS.  He should not be permitted on your campus at all.  And you DESERVE the same freedoms everyone else does, to have friends and socialize.  Please, for your own life - remove this maniac from it.
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh, very sorry you find yourself in this situation.  Okay, worst case scenario, he has pictures.  you'd be one of about of gazillion girls that have this happen to them and you'll live through that.  But you won't live through an abusive boyfriend.  He needs to stay away and OUT of your life.  Tell your parents and the school and yes, law enforcement if need be.  

I had someone stalking me.  An ex boyfriend.  I called him and asked if he was listening and to understand I was tape recording the conversation.  I then told him that this was record of me telling him that I want nothing to do with him and if he comes near me again, he is doing so against my wishes, does he hear me saying this to him.  I then told him that I would present this to the police I need be.  He left me alone.  

This adult man is blackmailing you.  Ridiculous.  Don't let him.  good luck
13167 tn?1327197724
Well,  you seem pretty comfortable with his computer - invite him over,  and when he goes to sleep get on his lap top and wipe out his skye history.  It's apparently saved automatically for 30 days,  but after that,  you can set it to save conversations longer.

Clean it out.
Avatar universal
I will be discussing with my counselor in my next appointment which i am waiting for at the moment. I am suffering from many problems with self confidence, anxiety and panic attacks and my therapist was appointed due to these reasons. As i am a weak personality at the moment and am suffering from these issues at first I felt it was my fault. I felt that I need to deal with myself then maybe my relationship will get better, I felt that because i cannot stand up for myself this is why i am getting pushed over. I give in and submit to what ever he says, he indirectly controls me with guilt, but at the same time will not let me go.

I am really really scared of him having these pics and sharing them on the internet! I am a weak person and feel that it will leave me suicidal. I am really confused. If he gets violent again i will have to build courage to call the police, but even that i am scared of as this will anger him and again he can release any pics or videos.
Avatar universal
Thank you for commenting. I am aware that he is ruining my life my self respect, livelihood and the will to live. But I am terrified of this happening to me, I feel it will leave me suicidal as i am very mentally weak in the first place.
1696489 tn?1370825574
I totally understand your terror, as I spent 2 years of my young life with an abusive partner.  That is why you need him out of your life, NOW, FAST, and no looking back.  I hate the prase 'weak minded' - it implies a lack of courage to get things done, and I don't believe that about you.  Please, move to a new dorm if you must.  And when you see him coming, RUN.  No phone calls, e-mails, facebook, ZERO.  Let campus security know he is a problem.  Then move on with your young and blooming LIFE. :)
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