Coparenting

[brownhair]

I am coparenting with crazy man. I think a narcissist. We started counseling, and he berated me in front the counselor. She just sat listened.  She appears partial to him. I am not sure if it is because I am a black woman or what. He is a black male. However, it appears that she liked him better. and made eye contact with him.  He told lie after lie, and I am not sure what to do. I do not think I will get a fair chance with her, and we both have to agree with the counselor. He wants to keep her as our counselor. Any thoughts?

[Nighthawk61]

I can't wait to hear how your next session goes. I think you'll be showing this therapist that you are a reasonable, intelligent, very invested client if she sees you taking notes.

If my therapist were to ask me "why" i was taking notes, i would just say that a lawyer friend suggested that it would prudent that you do take notes of any interaction with your ex, with concerns to your child(ren), who is the most important person(s) in your life. This will give her the idea that you have a "friend" that is a lawyer, and frankly, it's important as a child's mother who they associate with in their free time. It's a bit of a white lie, hurting no one, while setting yourself up in your therapists mind that you are influenced by intelligent friends.

I agree with the above comments, tell yourself that by putting some effort into your outward appearances, looking the most put together you possibly could, is in fact being true to yourself. It will be easier for you to get over the hump of maybe feeling uncomfortable or "fake". YOU CAN DO IT. i actually had to go to court for my own child custody case when i was first in recovery and i got the same advice from my lawyer. I had never worn an "updo" before in my life, nor worn the type of clothing that i wore that day, but i was perceived as something different it appears than my opposition was trying to paint me, because i won back custody of my son that day.

All the best of luck to you and please don't forget, we're all waiting to hear how you're doing, day by day, or otherwise. I personally can truly relate. I remember reading in a report that i looked "unkempt". I wasn't unkempt at all, I was clean and fresh, I just had long hair, (no "hair cut" or hair care products) and  I didn't wear makeup and those that were writing the "report" did. You have to play the game. I know this to be true. Love to you girl.

[Londres70]

Brownhair,

Nighthawk has offered great solutions and advice.

Sounds like you are an empath.  You have the ability to pick up energy from others easily, however, use this gift with caution and it must be balanced with facts as well.  

Keep us posted.

[Nighthawk61]

I believe that you well may have an ability to read people. That often happens with people that are not attention seekers, or manipulative. As the saying goes, Still waters run deep.

I think that quieter, more introspective clients are just as appreciated, as those that want to take over the flow of conversation. I think you need to have faith that this therapist, or any therapist, will be able to read both you and your ex. What may be happening that this therapist is getting a true view of what happens behind closed doors, by letting your ex ramble and take over the floor. This way she can evaluate who is reasonable, and who is not reasonable. It is not a reasonable thing for your ex to take over the entire session, not ever indicating to you that your voice is also welcome to be heard. I think this women may be reading the dynamics of your relationship as they are being played out in her office.

if it were me, and i felt the way that you did, I think i would takes minutes of the meetings. (note take). If the session was an hours, i would write down what was gong on in a small notepad. I would jot down point form notes about what was said, and what questions were asked. If your ex drones on and on, and you are not being included in the conversation, it shouldn't be difficult to do. Then, if you want to look elsewhere, you have your notes to prove what you feel has happened with this therapist.  (iel she asked your husband 5 questions, and you none) That's what i'd do.

I would also be looking for an alternative therapist, and would probably choose a black therapist if i were black. and think about male or female being the preference.

Please, let us know how your therapy is going. We'd love to be kept in the loop.

Liz

[brownhair]

This is great advice!!! Thanks so much. I definitely will do that. This crossed my mind to do after the first visit, but then I kind of forgot about it. It kind of a blessing and a curse to be able to "read" people's energy when I am around them. It is either I feel comfortable with someone's energy or I don't. Sometimes, the reasons I give why I feel bad energy from that person could be incorrect.  Thanks so much for this wise advice!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  This is unfortunate.  Ability to change counselors?  

I hate to think racist attitudes could prevail in professionalism but you never know.  I will not discount your feelings.  I will say that it is not unusual though for someone in couples therapy to believe the therapist is partial to the other person if they don't agree with them.  It's a natural response when we are having emotional pain with our partner and someone 'appears' to be taking the other persons side.  This appearance can be as simple as letting them be heard when they are often not with their partners.  I am not saying that is you or that is the case here but that does happen.

Therapy is very difficult.  I have a good friend who said she and her husband stopped therapy because it was just 'too stressful".  LOL  I kind of get that because it can be very uncomfortable.  

Instead of focusing on the therapist, let's focus on the issues between you and your partner.  We are happy to discuss that and try to help.  And if you feel this therapist is no good, ask your partner to change.  If it is the same with the next therapist, then it would be more likely that it is you having difficulty with equal credibility to your partner who you call a 'crazy man'. That statement is a tiny bit telling that you don't feel he should be heard and be equal in terms of issues going on between you two.  

Is this court appointed for child custody issues?  You are no longer a couple but working on coparenting issues?  Can we help in any way??  


****  have read other responses.  (maybe I should do that first, lol).  Londres is indicating that you have a pattern of feeling victimized by others.  I agree that this can be detrimental to working through problems.  In truth, we can ONLY change ourselves.  That's all we have real control over.  Yes, indeed, we ALL have work to do to be our best selves.  Taking a deeper look at this may be a step in the right direction.  Wishing you luck and here to help if we can.  

[brownhair]

Thanks for your feedback. My ex is very manipulative. I am not. So, he can sway many people easily. As I think about the responses, I do not think I have a pattern of feeling like a victim. I have a pattern of choosing people or being around people that are manipulative.  However, Londres has a point about some patterns.  I am a good person and try to get along with him, but he is a crazy man. I would feel more comfortable if the therapist was neutral. I can handle neutral, but I have a very good way of reading people without them saying a word to me. It is just part of me.  We have worked with a counselor previously that I felt was neutral. She moved to another state. I can meet someone for the first time and "feel" their energy. It is hard for me to explain. I do appreciate all of the feedback and will consider it all. Thanks.  

[Londres70]

Brownhair,

Hon, this is NO race issue.  It sounds like an issue with what you are saying and/or how you are saying it.  If you are going to accuse someone of something so awful as racism make sure you have facts that you can prove.
It seems when you are having difficulties with a situation and/or a person you quickly assume it must be your color.  It is obviously not a race issue being your ex is black as well.  If you are being super emotional, all over the board with your thoughts and showing a bad attitude then yes she might be more apt to pay more attention to the ex vs. you.  

What exactly did she say or do to make you believe she "likes" him better? Perhaps he is communicating in a way more effective?

How many times have you seen this counselor?

[brownhair]

We saw her once. She hardly gave me any eye contact. Her body was turned towards him the entire time.  When I was talking, and he interrupted, she told me to wait.  I was not rude at all. If I was respectful and did not have any bad attitude, then what else could it be? As a black woman, I know how black women are viewed.  I think women in general have a more difficult time than men, but I am black and woman.  

[Londres70]

Hon, I think you are you own worst enemy with this negative talk.  You have that "everyone is against you" attitude.

I understand racism is a serious problem in the U.S., however, there is nothing really proving she is being racist or dislikes you because you are a black woman.  You seem to be fixated on people mistreating you because you are a black woman.  Do you live in a town with loads of racial tension?  You've had problems with and feel/felt you have been done wrong by:

the ex
the judge
the counselor
the lawyer
your mother

When there are this many people involved I am apt to believe it's your behavior or something you have done or even the way you are physically presenting yourself.  Is there something in your past history or present history that would make these people not take you seriously enough to listen to you?

I am not saying this woman is the best fit for you in regards to counseling, however, I would recommend you see her again and go from there.  I assume you are doing this for your child, so I would try as hard as you can to keep that in mind and try to work with your ex and this conselor, however, if you go again and you still feel ignored, then you have the right to tell her so and then she what she says.  The purpose of counseling is for both parties to state their view; not to agree with what the other party is saying.

There seems to be pieces and parts to the story missing here.

[brownhair]

Thank You for your honest feedback. You have made some valid points. It is the vibe I get from her, and I do feel like many people don't like black women. I love black women, but I am very aware of the sterotypes based on media, today's music. In saying that, I have issues to resolve in my life, like we all do. Thanks for your direct, straightforward advice. It is much appreciated.

[Londres70]

You're welcome.  :)

I just hope that you solve this and you all come to some kind of friendly agreement for the sake of your child.

Unfortunately, ignorant people like to perpetuate negative stereotypes and judge people, however, you shouldn't do this to others when you don't want it done to you.  For example you already judged this counselor after one session...........already assuming she is partial to your ex and may dislike you because you are a black woman without any hardcore facts backing this up.  

There are GOOD people out there who aren't harshly judging you or out to get you.

Go to the next counseling session and see what happens.  If you still feel uncomfortable mention it to the counselor.  Maybe she isn't even aware that she is doing anything to make you feel this way especially since she has only seen you once.  

Anyways, keep us posted.

[AnnieBrooke]

Get a better counselor and a better partner too.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm wondering what you mean by saying that you think this unfairness is as a result of you being a black women and he a black man? could you clarify what you're getting at , what you're thinking ?

I would not have my husband go to a female therapist. I would feel more comfortable with the dynamic being that of a male talking to my husband. That would be my personal preference, and the reason is because i would want my partner to identify with a male therapist, because i would think it would be easier for him to emulate the therapist's suggestions in his actions (easier). than if it would be a female therapist making the suggestions.

It would help if you clarified more of your relationship with this man, and what your status has been. How many kids you have mutually, and in total etc.

Hang in there, it's tough what you're going through obviously, i'm sure it will get better.

[brownhair]

Many times I feel that black women get a bad rep from other races. They get generalized and many hate us.  This counselor is a white woman.  

[RockRose]

Why do you have to agree with the counselor?  Is this a court-appointed situation and she's the mediator and will decide things like child support and visitation?  BTW,  it's the counselor's job to sit and listen unless he is physically harming you.  In the first few visits she will sit and listen.