Dating woes

[AmbassadorofAwesome69]

I recently began again to date a woman I dated almost five years ago.  Back then, she was the first woman I dated after my divorce.  She is five years younger than me so no big deal about age difference.  We never had a dull moment together.  She was bright, funny, intelligent, witty, charming, a really, really great woman with two exceptions.  One, despite us dating for six months, she never acknowledged it as so.  We were always "just hanging out" and she would allow other people to say "boyfriend/girlfriend" but would never say it herself.  Make any sense?  Two, she had a LOT of personal issues - alcohol abuse, mommy issues, depression, etc.  Back then, I wasn't mature enough to handle it and I tried to be there for her but it got to be too much.  

Fast forward to now.  We lost track for about two and a half years because I was engaged to a crazy b----.  Long story short!  After that, I took a year off to work on myself and, lo and behold, my first girlfriend after the divorce sends a Facebook friend request, o we need to catch up, etc. and the good times begin again.  However, although I promised not to leave her ever again and I am mature enough to deal with any personal issues she may have, I am having difficulty seeing her now as a romantic interest.  Two times in the past three weeks (we've gone out about seven times now) when, in the past, I would move in for a goodnight kiss, I have no interest, desire, or drive.  She does allow us to be physically closer such as sitting on the same couch.  (Five years ago, she wouldn't do that.)  Plus, there's this "guy friend" in her life who actually has a key to her house.  When I went over last night, he was there, left for a few hours, (so we watched a movie), and then came back about 10:30 - just as I was about to make a move on her on the couch.  I think if I go too long I may end up in the "friend zone" but there are things that make me uncomfortable yet I don't want to bring them up because I do enjoy having her in my life.  

[AmbassadorofAwesome69]

Good points from both of you and I appreciate it!  No, the friend doesn't live with her.  I believe he just has a key because she moved to another state for a few months and he was kind of watching the house (she was trying to sell it) but he never gave up his key.  She couldn't sell the house so she moved back.  Yes, by being open physically I mean she sits close to me on the couch, hug her when I leave, etc.  As far as "chemistry" like knowing when you feel you're about to kiss, I just don't feel it right now.  I think it is because, after all I've been through, I don't want to get the wrong impression.  If I lean in and try to kiss her, I don't want her to ask "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???!!!"  I don't think the other guy really means anything.  I think he is totally harmless, I admit.  But, if things do progress, I can't "make a move" with the possibility of some guy just waltzing in the house!!  Hmmmm, maybe she just needs to start coming over to my place!  O, and not that finding someone to date is tough, I don't want to date.  I just don't.  Its too much of a hassle and expense.  I mean, I had a broken engagement after two and a half years together that I"ve documented in previous posts.  It hurt me a lot - some stuff I"ll never recover from and I don't want to set myself up for hurt or disappointment again.  The woman I'm dating was the only possibility of "bringing me out of retirement" and, lo and behold, she contacted me and here we go.  We'll just see how it works out.  But, I don't like the drama and she still has some other personal (Mommy, Daddy, physical) issues and I don't know what to do for her.

[specialmom]

Yes, alexplusone is sure right.  Often if someone abuses one substance and kicks that habit, they turn to something else.  It is something to look out for.  The reason is that the abuse of the substance (or thing-----------  we are talking alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, etc.) is a symptom.  That is how they are coping with something whether it is avoiding something painful or difficult, depression, etc.  Unless that person has gone deep and uncovered the root cause-----------  they are at risk of either relapsing or turning to something else.  When you say she has new issues, that makes me wonder.

I think that what throws me off is that you said you have had opportunities to be physical with her and she is sending signs that she is open to that but you "had no desire" ----  which I think were your own words.  No interest, desire or drive . . .  

I do think that we can be afraid of being hurt so we hold back but we'd still have some desire.  Unless this is on a psychological level in which I'd say that a therapist may be able to help you.

From previous posts, I gather that finding someone to date lately has been tough.  This may cause you to really WANT to date her but deep down inside, your gut is telling you it isn't gonna work or it is not what you really want.  I'd hold out to find someone that you don't have that kind of internal response to.  Maybe I'm off base----------  and it is for you to decide if you are going to go for this or not.  So, either way---------- I do wish you luck.  

As to the other guy----------  start being friends with him too.  If he hangs in there and is friendly with you legitimately-------- cool.  If not, then something more might be going on.   And you obviously should ask her about him.  

good luck!!

[alexplusone]

If there are things that make you uncomfortable you should be able to bring them up, especially considering your past with her. Does this friend of hers live with her? Are you comfortable with that relationship? I think you two need to discuss where you are headed and should be able to comfortably as you've now had 7 dates and a history together. Good luck and I'm very glad to hear she is no longer abusing alcohol,  however that is a lifetime commitment. Best wishes

[AmbassadorofAwesome69]

Exactly!  That's why I just had to part ways with her a few years back so she could work on herself.  Thankfully, she kicked the habit of abusing alcohol but now she has another batch of issues.  I didn't really want to date anyone - but her.  I am attracted to her all the way but my biggest fear is her always seeing me as a friend.  :-(

[specialmom]

Sounds like she will make an excellent friend.  There is no reason to force the issue.  If you are not attracted, you are not attracted (and you can find someone attractive without being attracted, by the way).  
By the way------------- do not start a relationship with anyone that abuses alcohol.  This is a one way ticket to nowhere.  No matter how great the person is, these relationships are very troubled.  Dependent people (meaning dependent on a substance) find codependent people to put up with their substance abuse-----------  it is unhealthy.  

Again, I know you say you live in a small town but I would try to find someone new to date.  A clean slate.

Make her a friend--------- we all need those.  Good luck