Dealing with selfish part time fathers?

[jessilb]

My son is going to be five next week and I want to take him to Chuck E Cheese because he has never been there.  I asked his father if he would come because my son asked me to.  He said I don't want to.  I tried to explain time and time again that he cannot pop in and out of his life when it is conveniant for him.  My son has many emotional problems and I know that part of it is he has no man in his life to model after.  My cousin came from las vegas to visit and my son was so needy with him.  He wouldn't leave his side and he talked and played with him all night.  It was sad to watch it because it is what he so desperately needs.  Why can't his father understand that.  I also wanted him to come because my son will not leave places if he is having fun.  There have been two occassions already were two-three people had to get his shoes and coat on and someone had to sit in the backseat to hold the seatbelt so he wouldn't take it off.  I told his father that I would also like him there to calm him down when it is time to leave.  At least add a little muscle to the struggle...not funny.  So, should I consider him a lost cause or keep fighting for my son to have a father?

[jessilb]

Thank you very much I will try those things.  His father does visit but speraticaly (? spelling).  So, he does love his dad for now.  I told his dad that my daughter dislikes her father now and will have nothing to do with him because he was the same way with spending time with her when she was little.  He also keeps bringing up that he is going to move away, I just say whatever.  I also have that with my mom.  She moved to california when I was two and I only saw her a couple of summers and now I haven't talked to her in 20 years.  So, I just don't know because it is so different with a father and son.  But I do not talk bad about him exspecially in front of my son, so I am trying to do my part in keeping him in good graces.  I do not have a male figure for him, my dad comes over every saturday to spend time with my daughter, they are really close.  My dad seems to not like my son much because of his behavior.  He is always yelling at him, which I tell him not to do but...  The problem is my daughter was completely different and we lived with my dad until she was six.  She was the calm, mannered, hardly did anything wrong child.  I try to tell my dad that he is my sons father figure but he doesn't like that.  So, what am I to do?  Well, again thank you for the response.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome. ahh.  I'm sure this hurts.  I'd do anything for my kids and I'd so desperately want their dad to stay involved and connected to them too.  I totally get that.  I don't think you ever give up on that unless it begins to interfere with your child's life.  By that I mean, at this point---  asking him to come without mentioning anything to your son is appropriate.  Then if your son asks, you just tell him 'daddy can't honey, I'm sorry."  Men who don't step up to the plate to act like a dad are not my kind of men and make me furious.  But you can't force him.  Keep the door always open.  Does he do any visitation at all?

any men in your area that could be a role model??  Cousins, brothers, your dad??  

In terms of the meltdown.  Well, that is a problem that you should work on.  I wouldn't plan for a struggle but rather problem solve the transition problems.  I had a child that also had a hard time when it was time to leave.  A few things you can do are:  let him have his dish of coins and when the coins are gone, they are gone.  No more money to get more, no more coins (I guess they really are tokens at chuck E cheese.  Sadly, I know this place well.)  So, you talk about that ahead of time.  THEN, you tell him that you have one present left at the house that will be his favorite present (or all the presents from you open at your house AFTER his party).   So, you need to leave CEC in order to get home and open the presents.  Then also throw in that you'll have a video that he loves to watch so getting on home is a good idea as there are no tokens left and Chuck E Cheese time is over.  I also would show my kids my phone----  and sayy when the clock says 3:00---  we have to go.  When it was 5 minutes until that time, I'd show them the phone, and then each minute until it read our leaving time and then it was time to go.

Your son is getting to the age where these types of tantrums over leaving aren't age appropriate so working on it from the standpoint that you don't need muscle but for him to understand what he can and can't do is important.  good luck