Decided to leave hubby -- how long before another guy?

[PAMomOf2]

I'm sure we all think our situation is unique, but I haven't veen able to find a similar post with similar situation. Here's my story:

I'm 30, 2 kids, married for 7.5 years, with hubby for 10.5 years. We met in college when I was 18. I've never been happy in the marriages, contemplated leaving several times for several years. We have zero communication, zero things in commo except our kids, and we d on't really like each other as people much. Our values and priorities could not be more different. He's not a bad person. He is nowhere near the kind of partner I want in my life, and I am not willing to be the kind of wife he wants (he wants someone to take care of him, like his mom did his whole life). After years of thought and consideration, I had decided to have (another) serious discussion about hte state of our marriage, what I feel I want and need from it, and what, if anything, I think we can do together to improve it. I'm not sure there is anything we can do as a couple as I just don't really like him as a person. There's no abuse, emotional neglect I suppose. But he is a decent dad (not great by my standards, but okay), he works hard for us but we have no desire to be together personally. Of course, since he is unwilling to communicate with me this is all supposition on my part.

So here's the question. I had already decided to have this conversation, with full acceptance and expectation of that leading to a split. I am comfortable with that decision and all that it brings, it has been weighed heavily, and has been decided logically not emotionally in a fit of anger. Does that decision change if I unintentionally met someone else?

There was some family crises we are dealing with, so I postponed my self-scheduled deadline for this conversation. Now hubby's grandma just died and we are dealing with that. I have not "let myself off the hook" so to speak, but I have postponed until I feel it is a better time to address our personal issues.While helping an acquaintance through some of his crap, all of the sudden we found ourselves practically inseparable.

OK, I know what comes -- marriages are work, grass is greener, thrill of the forbidden, all of that. I did cheat on hubby once a few years ago for all of those reasons...it was incredibly unsatisfying and I swore I would never do it again. And I haven't slept with this new guy or anything, we just....connect. For all of my years and guys I've dated, I have never been in "love." I have never wanted a marriage and a life with someone. I married hubby beacuse I was young, stupid, scared and it seemed like what came next when I graduated from college. I wanted a wedding. Thus the bright brain of a 20 year old girl :) I have come to terms with my feelings about hubby and my reasons for wanting him were not to find someone else, but just to be me, be on my own, not have to be his mom, give him the opportunity to be with someone that truly loves him because I don't. I feel like I understand why people meet and get married a few months later and die after being happily married for 65 years. Very strange, since I've always been pretty practical and thought all that was just romantic dreams and not real life.

Anyway, I apologize for the book. My question I guess is -- when is it okay to go for another guy? Is right away too soon? It was not in my plan at all, as I said my plan was to be on my own and care for my girls and cultivate a great friendly working relationship with their dad. I want one of those friendly ex-relationships where we don't mind being together, can have family dinners, that type of thing. I think its possible given how I know my husband even though I know its not guaranteed. Is moving on to someone else going to impede that process?

If you made it this far, THANKS! That end up being practically a novella, which I didn't want. There seems to be a lot of pertinent information that happens over 10 years!! Any advice and opinions you can offer, I would greatly appreciate them. TIA!

[Londres70]

Have you all ever tried getting any professional help to sort this out?  

Definitely does sound like you got married before you figured out who you were, what you wanted, etc. and made decisions based on what you were expected to do, not on what you wanted to do......HOWEVER, there are alot of things that need to be considered and thoroughly thought out at this point before moving on from this marriage (if that's what you really want in the end).  

First, getting involved with someone before a divorce is final.......hmmm....I would recommend not doing that especially for your children's sake. Mommy going from daddy to another man so soon.....I just don't think that would go down too well.  

Secondly, a man interested in a married woman says alot; he sure doesn't have much respect for someone's marriage.  Plus, there was so much lacking in the marriage for a while and you are probably desperate to have this void filled so this "other man" situation is looking extremely attractive.  

Thirdly, get the divorce (if that's the route you end up deciding to take) and I would wait at least a year AFTER the divorce is final to give you and your children time to adjust to the divorce.  After a year of being by yourself with your children you can re-evaluate what you need to do.  

I am all for you living the life you want and being the person you want to be, but I think your view is too focus on you and not on you and your children in this situation.  

"my plan was to be on my own and care for my girls and cultivate a great friendly working relationship with their dad. I want one of those friendly ex-relationships............."   I would stick to your original plan.  

All the best dear.  

[RockRose]

Once again,  I totally agree with specialmom,  and have to ask why you are wanting a waiting period.

It seems to me you want it to appear that you didn't leave your husband for another guy,  and want to ask how long you should wait so it appears you didn't have him waiting in the wings.

Do you even know that when you leave your stable marriage,  this new guy is interested in a relationship?

I always wonder about women who marry a man they don't even like.  I know in your mind you chalk it up to youth,  but at 20 I certainly wouldn't have married a man I didn't like,  although I dated a few for too long.

Lastly,  I'm always mystified by people who say marriages are "hard work".  They're no more "hard work" than maintaining loving and intimate friendships.  If they're "hard work",  you married the wrong person or you each have the wrong attitude.  

And honestly,  if you truly decide you absolutely can't stand to keep your family together,  I think you should wait until your youngest child is an adult to consider bringing new men around.

Sorry I don't have anything encouraging to say. I think you're piling one mistake on top of another.

[specialmom]

I just wanted to clarfy what I meant by no major issues----  issues that your daughters would be aware of----  like plates being thrown at each other or screaming fits.  You sound like your home while not happyto you  isn't volatile.  

goodluck dear.

[specialmom]

Hi.   Here is the problem--------  you've never really been alone dear.  You met him when you were 18!  If you do not take the time to be a woman that doesn't have a man in her life, you risk setting yourself up for failure.  I also think that when we divorce, it is hard on children.  Doing things by the book is better than not though.  By that I mean, you have this conversation with your husband.  (although you mean it less now that your mind is elsewhere).  You see if anything resolves.  If not and you still feel you must leave him, then you do that.  Then you don't date until you are officially divorced.  I personally think waiting longer is an important step when we get out of a long term relationship/marriage.  But at least until the divorce is final is the right message for your kids.  Otherwise, you risk becoming the bad guy-----  the person that left dad AND started right up with another guy.  That could make the kids really question you and cause emotions that they don't need on top of their parents splitting up.  

You can wait.  You'll be in a better position to judge who would be good to date down the road anyway.  Right now, it is a band aid on a life you aren't happy in.  

I also think that it WOULD mess up the dynamics of working out the new relationship of being ex's with your husband.  I really do.  

Learn who you are without a man.  You've spent your ENTIRE adult life in a relationship.  This is a time to figure yourself out.  And honestly, you describe a home that while you aren't happy in, there aren't any major issues.  Your kids are going to hurt because of this split.  They will require extra care and time.  Don't distract yourself.  good luck