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Avatar universal

Desperate ex trying to trap her ex-boyfriend...

Ok,
This is a question that is not directly concerning me, but my boyfriends brother. I know about the seriousness of babies and how the time can fly by before its too late and the baby is definitely coming into the world.

So the story in brief:

So the guy involved has already had a child and he and the mother broke up shortly before the baby was born. He said after this he doesn't want any more children and wanted a vasectomy, but this is not an option as he is in his early 20's so is too young. He recently made a poor choice to go out with and have a sexual relationship with a girl who i could tell was trouble and she was trying anything to stay with him (including making him propose and taking it too far so he could not back out or change her mind). She then (after he was clear at the very start that he wanted no more children) started to talk about wanting children with him, so this was when he decided they should end their relationship due to wanting other things. She now is claiming (i think as a last desperation) that she is pregnant with his baby and wants him to be with her and the baby. A packet of pills has also been found left in his house after she had to move back home, with only a few pills taken, so she deceived him and claimed she was protected. He doesn't want anything to do with the apparent child and she refuses to prove to anyone she is pregnant as "she shouldn't need to". She constantly texts the guy (and my boyfriends) parents and the guy about baby things.

Is there anything they can do? Anything legal? Because though he is not a saint and wouldn't claim to be, but he doesn't deserve to be lied to and tricked into having a child with a girl (who is younger and very immature) he has no feelings for when she is just trying to trap him. She has also said she is going to keep the baby because she wants to prove to everyone she can do it on her own....she is 18...what life experience can she really have?!

Any advice would be appreciated as i would like to try and help him, before the whole family (including my boyfriend and myself) are affected, and before it affects the child he already has, and loves.

Many thanks
G
7 Responses
Avatar universal
It's all about consequences Sweetie. For every action there is a reaction and a consequence. He didn't act mature and he didn't act like a young man who doesn't want to father a child.

I get the feeling you're asking about this for a legal response. You want to know if legally he has to acknowledge and support this child even though he doesn't want it and feels tricked. The answer is yes. He has to own up to the responsibility. He doesn't have to like it but he has to pay for it. At least that's how it is in the US.

It's very likely she's blowing hot air and is not pregnant. She sounds very immature. I really think your boyfriend's brother should get in touch with her parents and clue them in. It may put an end to it and it's the manly thing to do.  Right now he's spinning his wheels and doing nothing but whinning about this. It has to stop and you have to stay out of it! It's a hot potato...

Good luck to all of you!
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  Well, first, let me tell you that getting involved in someone else's drama is often a bad idea.  Often people turn around and get annoyed at the 'helpful friend/family member' or the helper gets resentful that they were trying to help and the person didn't listen.  If they ask for help fine, if not, I'd just stay out of it.

He's a man that chose to have sex with someone that you yourself identified as a risky proposition.  He should have used condoms for mutlliple reasons including std's and because he didn't know her well enough to trust she'd take those pills.  (hence, how all of this happened).  This is a great lesson for him.  See it that way as well as he was deceived because he needs to be smarter next time around.  

Okay, so what can you all do?  He sends her one last text.  It should read something like 'after the baby is born, I'll be happy to take a paternity test.  I'll talk to you then."  Then everyone in the family ignores her or blocks her.  If it turns out to be his child, he'll have to do the right thing and pay support and build a relationship with the child.  He does not have to be with her even if he has gotten her pregnant.  SO, he just says that he'll be happy to take a paternity/dna test down the road and until then, he moves on as everyone else should.  If it is a game, she'll give up when she gets no resonse.  If it is for real, then you deal with it if it turns out to be his child as proven by a paternity test.  

good luck to him and hope he does heed the lesson to be learned in this whole thing.  
Avatar universal
Thank you for your response :)
I completely agree that he should have been more protected, and learned when he had the first "accident", so i am in two minds as i think on one hand it does take 2 to make a baby. However i think that she has proposed an impossible situation as he doesn't want to be a father to this child as he didn't want another, and its not that he's being harsh, it was that she is trying to get him to be like in the 50's and if you knock a gal up you marry her. That part is where and why i was wondering if there is anything he can do and has a leg to stand on as she forced it upon him in a way.

Like you say, i personally wont get involved but i will pass anything i find out onto my boyfriend so he can tell their dad and the dad can maybe advise. I just wanted to see if there is really anything he could do, as we all know if shes not lying and is pregnant and it IS his, she will try and get financial help from him...which he can barely afford for his current child. (its basically a bit of a messy situation!)

Thanks again :)
Avatar universal
He should just ignore the girl.  She might not even be pregnant and is just saying this OR she could be and this is indeed his child OR she could be and this isn't his child.  He and his whole family should just ignore her and see what happens.  Let them come to this conclusion on THEIR own.  

Your statement...."Like you say, i personally wont get involved but i will pass anything i find out onto my boyfriend so he can tell their dad and the dad can maybe advise."  That's still getting involved in my opinion.  I would just let your bf's brother fight his own battles.  He has made poor choices which fed into this unfortunate situation and he needs to figure out how to handle this.  I wouldn't advise them with this at all as this could BACKFIRE on you.  Stay out of it COMPLETELY.  The father and/or mother should be able to assist his/her son with figuring this out since they are the parents.

Nothing "legally" you can do about this.....nothing legal you can do about someone who lied and is trying to trick someone into fatherhood.  If that was the case legal systems would be overwhelmed all over.  

He definitely NEEDS to make better choices especially if he can't afford to take care of a child he already has.  He is obviously putting himself in these bad situations because of his poor choices.  He needs to do some "self-reflection" about his actions.  Even if the girl lied that doesn't exempt him from responsibility for his actions.  

It is more than a "bit of a messy situation".....it is more he needs to think BEFORE he acts, i.e. having sex with girls/women he is not serious about.  He is lucky he didn't get an STD as well.    

To Add.....if he doesn't want to be a father again, then he needs to take the proper precautions and not just "believe" what some girl is telling him or ABSTAIN from sex until he is in a HEALTHY, COMMITTED relationship.  
Avatar universal
The lesson to be learned here for this young man is, it is his job to make sure that precautions, every precaution in regards to protection, is taken care of.  He cannot make her "take the pill", but he can use condoms, have a vasectomy, or abstain fro having sex.....

In regards to this woman's pregnancy.... I'd tell this guy to stand aside.  If this girl is pregnant, she will have a baby and when she does, he can take a paternity test..... that will prove if it is his and then, he will be partially responsible for the child.  

As far as being deceived?  He could have not had sex.... he made a decision to have sex and he has to be smart enough to know that there is the risk of pregnancy while having unprotected sex.... (Not to mention the risk of disease.)

If I were you, I'd back out of this and let it unfold for this guy.  You can be a support system without having yourself in the middle.  There's no need to be in the middle while everyone involved is tossing around opinion.  The facts are the facts and they always present themselves.  It will be his job to weed through the aftermath.....
Avatar universal
This is the year 2012 - Today, more than ever before, a Man is RESPONSIBLE for His own sperm.  If He wants not to Father any more Children He has TWO CHOICES - vasectomy or abstinance - as there is a failure rate for EVERY birth control - even "the pill" has a 1% failure rate!! The only "guarantee" is to make certain HE cannot produce a Child - otherwise He IS responsible if a Baby comes from this.  It's really quite simple:  Pregnancies happen where there is sex - if one takes reponsibility for Their own sperms or egg - no one could be "tricked".
1962649 tn?1332444851
Tinker is right--he is responsible. The take-away lesson for other young men too young for vasectomies is this--keep it your pants or use fail safe birth control [ which is not possible]. ha ha.
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