Do I confront him?

[gidget426]

A few years ago my husband admitted to me that he was having an EMOTIONAL Affair with a coworker. It almost destroyed our marriage. He swore to me it never crossed the line . Two months later he was diagnosed with Urethritis . The info the doc gave us said most common cause STD. I flipped out. He still swears they were never intimate. a year later he started having some ED and has been diagnosed with Chronic Prostatitis, now I do have frequent UTI's , but I think he would have had problems long before now if that were the cause ( we were married 19 years by this time). A few months ago I began to research it again and my husband was not very happy. Today I was at the Urologist for kidney stone and again I saw a post on Urethritis primary cause is STD. My question is, Is Urethritis always caused by std or can other things be the cause? Seems like any time he sees me researching subject he gets nervous. Can be bc he knows i am still dealing with the betrayal and generally leads to a fight and he just wants to put it behind us, or he did either sleep with her or have some kind of sexual contact with her and lied to me about it and is afraid of me finding out the truth. I

[gidget426]

You are all right. I have no reason not to believe him. He has been very open during our sessions and takes all the blame. Even when the counselor points out my part in it, he defends me. I know I did and do play a part in our situation. I have poured all my time and energy into caring for our daughter as well as our other children, taking care of aging parents and working myself that I didn't have anything left for my husband. I was also resentful toward him. It is so much easier for me to take off work so most of the care and running to dr appointments fell on me. He also played on a men's softball league so had an outlet. He would get upset with me if I did not go watch him play ( glad he wanted me there) but a lot of the time I was exhausted. After the first incident, I was angry and bitter, we fought a lot. The last time was honestly nothing BUT what bothered me and counselor agrees, is that he knew it would cause an issue, even agreed in past to no opposite sex friendships without the other spouse knowing and agreeing to it, yet he did it and hid it. Still to this day says he does not understand where what he did was wrong or why I was so upset. But since then has been transparent as far as I know. Just very hard for me to trust bc seems like every time I feel secure the bottom drops out. But in order for me to move on I have to just blindly follow this path. Glad I was able to express my fear here and did not confront him and cause a big to do again. Thank you.

[specialmom]

I think if it were me and I had decided to forgive my husband after an affair, I'd have to work on getting over it.  This means to stop trying to research and doing things that keep this in the forefront of your mind.  His end of the bargain is to be the best dang husband to you now that he could EVER be and your part of the bargain is to allow things to heal rather than continuing to ruminate and research, etc.  Ya know?  If you aren't going to leave him, do your best to take him for his word and move on.  Begin to really heal and let this go.  good luck

[Chima7]

I agree that he needs additional counseling on his own. Because the biggest problem is that he keeps finding these other women to talk to when he should be talking to a counselor instead.

I can see why you're so suspicious of everything given what's happened in the past. I'm sure I would be too in your position. But I think if you want this marriage to work then you guys are going to both have to really work on it. Him with only going to a counselor to vent bid problems instead of finding other female friends and you needing to try to find a way to give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he is being honest with you at this point. It's not going to be easy but you're both going to need to make the effort if you want it to work out.

[Londres70]

Well, apparently you posted your last post while I was typing my post.

He definitely has an issue with disclosure in regards to his relationships with other women.  

I am not sure if his behavior is stemming from his childhood, mental health issues, etc., but maybe he should be seeing a counselor by himself as well as the marriage counselor?

These situations are so common nowadays.  It's a shame.

[Londres70]

"Today I was at the Urologist for kidney stone and again I saw a post on Urethritis primary cause is STD. My question is, Is Urethritis always caused by std or can other things be the cause? Seems like any time he sees me researching subject he gets nervous. Can be bc he knows i am still dealing with the betrayal and generally leads to a fight and he just wants to put it behind us, or he did either sleep with her or have some kind of sexual contact with her and lied to me about it and is afraid of me finding out the truth."...............

Before you entertain the thought of confronting him:

Have the facts about Urethritis as the cause may be non-STD related as well as STD related.   If he had an STD more than likely you would of contracted what he had as well.

What are you really going to gain by confronting him?

Consider therapy.  It's apparent you aren't over this if it has been years and you are still having doubts and reservations about what the truth is.

I am sure your husband is getting tired of the questions and the research.  No one would want to go through this over and over again.  Maybe he is lying, but maybe he isn't.................if you don't have proof then the ONLY thing you can do is take his word.  Keep in mind he did come clean with you, so give him some credit.

Again........THERAPY.

[gidget426]

Your right. I would not leave. We have just had so many trust issues over past few years,  almost a year after the above incident I caught him talking to another woman again. She told me he first went to her for advice on dealing with me and my anger over what he did, but then she started having relationship issues and they did have an unhealthy emotional connection. For 3 years things wee good but then I sound him locking his phone so I knew somehtning was up. I searched the bill and found a # I called and talked to the woman who said they texted quite often, even lunched together once but she knew he was married and it was strictly friends and he told her I was aware and okay with the friendship, which was a lie. She sent me the text of that convo to prove it and then texted him a pretty mean and Nastyntext about lying to both of us. At this time I left, sought legal counsel and she even was willing to give a statement if needed. We agreed to seek counseling while separated. We were under lots of stress due to a child who was battling an illness and in and out of hospital. It hit us emotionally and financially. The kids were with me during our separation. One day while at dialysis with our daughter, I received a call my husband was rushed to ER, ( same hospital) when I got to him, he was being admitted to emotional health unit for stress. He spent 5 days there. When released we reconciled and continued counseling. I did state in session that if I found out he did cheat physically with any of these women then it was over.  things have been well. We have had our moments but mainly due to my lack of trust. He has not given me any reason to question him but again before the last episode I felt things were fine and even felt safe. He knew I would not agree with him talking to this woman and definitely not on them having lunch together. In counseling I was told that the stress and depression caused him to seek an outlet removed from the situation and that is why he fell into this trap over and over. He swore he loved me and so on and counselor said she truly believed he did. Well in May of this year we were riding into work together. While he was in the store getting our coffee he received a text. I opened it , did not recognize the # but it said Miss you too, wish I still worked in your office, you always made me feel happy and did you get the gift I left for you? Once he dropped me off at my office I checked the ebill and saw numerous texts back and forth over the past 3 weeks. I called him and freaked out. Asked him who it was, he said his supervisor. Well I know his supervisor a man. Asked him why if it were a man he was deleting them from his phone. I admit I went overboard. I had to leave work I was so upset and I called him every name in the book. A friend took me home. I called the # and igot her voicemail and name. I then called my husbands office and asked for her and was told she transferred to another office. I called that office and she answered. I confronted her and asked her what was going on. She said it was strictly friends, her husband still works with my husband and was aware she and my husband talked. Said a lot of the men disrespected her as their supervisor but my husband always treated her with respect. She sent him a basket of candy and coffe when she transferred as a thank you for being so nice. I felt like a jerk for assuming the worse but ....... But she understood why I was upset and she to was unaware that I was not told of their friendship. Funny thing is she and I now talk regularly. When I confronted my husband later that evening he said he deleted text bc he knew I would be mad and would not believe it was just friends. The one thing our counselor told us is we should not have opposite sex friendships without the other spouse being involved. He agreed. I did apologize for over reacting but still to this day he says he does not see or think what he did was wrong. So no matter how well things are going I a, always waiting for the shoe to drop.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I can't anwer Your questions Re: STD, ED, Urethritis, Chronic Prostatitis, UTI's, etc., being the result of an affair.....

But I will suggest that You have "put the matter behind You" YourSelf in the sense that You chose to stay with Him in spite of Your suspisions -

SO,

at this point, I see no point in You pursuing this other than to continue Your own discomfort as well as His.  Again, what's the point?  Will You leave if You find out He was indeed unfaithful?  If not, I think You would be best to put the question to rest and just go on from here.

Regards,
Tink

[Life360_Dave]

100% sure he could get them from you esp the yeast infection which is fungal related

[gidget426]

I get chronic uti and yeast infections due to medication, so could he possibly get it from me?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, men can get a UTI also know as NGU from non sexual contacts like urine backing up in the prostate. It can be caused by natural organisims like mycoplamas as well. The thing with UTI, unless they can identify the organism (which is most cases is not known) you would not know if its caused by sex.

Most common std,s of the urethra are gono and chlamydia which can be easy identified.