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305087 tn?1211202671

Don't know how to fix it

I was with my boyfriend for four years.  We moved in together after 3 months and were engaged a little after a year of being together.  Our relationship was magical.  Our first kiss, I swear the earth moved.  The first time we said I love you I felt my heart skip a beat.  He was like no other loser I'd ever been with.  He treated me with honesty, respect, kindness, thoughfulness.  He supported me after I lost my job and wanted to go to college.  I went through about six jobs while we were together.  All the while he worked his *** off to support me and my son.  I didn't appreciate him and he got tired of it.  We broke up after almost four years.  I moved out and have my own place now.  I have been at the same job for 2 years and have been in college the entire time since I enrolled when I lost my job in 2004.  I have done a lot of changing, growing up, and losing him has taught me that I really had something special, something I should've held onto and I didn't.  I thought we were going to work on things with us, but as soon as he had his freedom he changed.  I think part of it is that he resents me for not appreciating him and taking him for granted for so long.  He didn't get anywhere with his life for the time we were together because I was always setting him back, financially and emotionally.  I made a lot of mistakes.  But I have been fixing them for quite some time now and I have shown him nothing but devotion and love.  Even the entire time I wasn't appreciating him, I loved him more than I thought I could love someone.  My problem was, I didn't know that loving him completely included appreciating him and helping him get ahead in life.  I depended on him way too much.  So now that we're apart, we still see each other, but it's like the TOTAL opposite.  I pay my own bills, go to work and school and while he still does work hard, he's going out with friends,  he slept with someone else and lied to me about it for months until I finally found out.  He is just enjoying his freedom a little too much for my liking.  He doesn't know what he wants for his life right now.  When we were together, he wanted to get married and have children.  Now he doesn't even know if he wants that.  I try to hold on, and I'm not planning on letting go anytime soon, but he doesn't show me the love we used to have.  He calls me every day, and there are periods where I will sleep over his house for days at a time, but then we will get into an argument about something and I will stay home again.  I am afraid he is going to come to me one day and tell me he needs time away from me or worse, that he doesn't ever want to be with me.  I try to give him space, but since he lied to me about being with someone else, the trust level is not what it used to be.  He used to be the most faithful and honest person I'd ever met.  Now he lies about a lot of things and blames it on my inability to deal with the truth.  Like the fact that he looked up his ex-girlfriend two months after I moved out.  I want to hold on becuase I believe we are meant to be together, but I am getting hurt, I am hurting my son with having him in and out of our lives, and the relationship deteriorates every time something happens.  He tells me he loves me and doesn't want to let me go, but that he doesn't know who he is right now or what he wants.  Do I let go?  Give him space and let him see what he wants?  Or hold on to what I believe might be a forever love?  
3 Responses
177641 tn?1189755837
If the relationship is over and you guys were not seeing each other anymore, then he's not obligated to give you updates about his romantic life. That would put you in the "possessive ex" category, and you don't want to be there. If you're broken up, you're broken up. You're no longer entitled to deciding whether his choices are acceptable.

It sounds like this guy left your relationship pretty damaged by the codependence, and even though he has feelings for you, he doesn't want to repeat going through a codependent relationship again. If you really want the relationship to have a chance again, then continue being the independent person with all the positive changes you've made. Ultimately he will have to decide for himself whether he wants to try the relationship again. Only actions can show whether or not you are a changed person, and whether having a relationship with will entail the same old problems.

Until he makes that decision, stop settling for sex/sleeping over without a relationship. The trust isn't there because as long as you two aren't in a formal relationship (i.e. your friends know he's your boyfriend and you're his girlfriend), he doesn't have to treat you like a girlfriend (which entails being continuously forthcoming and honest, especially about wanting to sleep with other people). If he really is slipping away, then sleeping with him will only prolong it and hurt you more in the end. Stop giving the sex for free, give him time and space to decide for himself if he wants to give your relationship another shot, and be strong for yourself and your son no matter what he decides. Good luck.
13167 tn?1327194124
jacob,  I think he wanted a damsel in distress,  and you aren't one anymore.  I think chances are very high that his girlfriend,  and his next girlfriend will also be "fixer uppers" - and once they're fixed up and don't need him desperately to anchor their lives and give his meaning,  he'll move on from then too.

When people put up with a lot of chaos and mistreatment,  and then leave when their loved on begins to get a grip on live and recover,  often claiming "you hurt me too much for too long" - they really are leaving because they are more comfortable with damaged goods than a whole,  normal adult.
377135 tn?1200321477
Wow,  that was awsome!   What a word of truth.  
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