How do I take this???

[D_Snead35]

I call my fiancé cuz he says I never do & I wanted to talk anyway. As you all know I'm hong through the most in my relationship right now. So I say all that I have say (my tone was horrible I know) but at the end I say. "Well I felt I should tell you how I feel,usually I just shut down&just keep my ferlibgs to myself&f*$k it,but I I'm in love with you,I love you& I thought I should tell you how I feel" he says to me oh umm,when I can talk better I'll call you back&hung up. How am I take that? Am I supposed to wait until whenever for feedback? I really feel lost now.

[D_Snead35]

True dont know if that can happen anytime soon,i was just telling my sister I may not see each other again until next year. It is so hard right now. But hopefully we can talk&find steady ground soon

[specialmom]

What would be really good is if you could get some time to be together just the two of you.  You live with your mom and he with his.  Could you meet somewhere and talk about some of these things.  

If it is uncomfortable talking about some things---  you cuold say that I'm trying really hard to be an open book for you but it is hard for me.  It takes time.  I'll do my best to answer any questions but am working on removing my walls.  I want you to know me.  

Something like that as it is probably true.  Being fully 'known' by our partner is a wonderful thing.  (but some things that are private like past sexual experience or something like that---  I don't say it's none of your business, I just am very vague and say that's all I got for ya."  No, we don't have to share intimate details like that with anyone.)

[D_Snead35]

Yes,we have talked,but it is always so briefly& I'm still very confused&going back and forth about weather we should be together or not. Sometimes he asks me too many questions& I don't know how to tell him some of those things "are none of his business" nicely so I clam up. Hopefully we can talk seriously soon. Thank you

[specialmom]

How are things going dsnead?  Were you able to talk to your boyfriend?  

[D_Snead35]

I hope that was not toward me because I was not the one who said it, I just found that partiular statement funny. I wasnt being demeanING if I were I would not have said thank you for the advice.

[Nighthawk61]

When you say something that's meant to be demean another person, such as "I don't have to write a novel" or make a derisive joke at someone else's expense trying to help you with obvious larger concerns (from the underlying things you've written) you are first being supported to be rude at another person's expense, and secondly to possibly miss the point of learning a very valuable tool in working within all relationships, that you seem to need, and that is passive, aggressive and assertive behavior.

[D_Snead35]

Lol at not writing a novel. He just called about half hour ago& we talked,he made me mad about somethings,but I kept quiet as I didn't want to argue,he bought up some points but I told him I was strictly talking about he& I. We didnt really talk long,but we are making progress.

[specialmom]

I don't need to write a novel about this.  I think you just 'caught' him at a time in which people were around---  did an emotional dump of what you were feeling and he needed time to process it as well as there were people around.  I'd try to time things a bit better next time.  Ask first if anyone is around and if they are---  wait to have this important conversation.  Then you have his full attention and he can respond to you.

To me, this isn't super deep on the surface---  it was a case of bad timing.

But there are a lot of underlying things you've written about here before that add into this.  You are questioning the relationship. I think there are valid questions regarding it from what you have written in other posts.  Perhaps you aren't pushing him away so much as beingself protective and not wanting to deny that there are issues between the two of you.  Yes, there seems to be love and affection there as well so it is indeed confusing to figure out what is going on.  

I hope you get a chance to talk to him soon.  It is excellent that you are willing ot admit your own faults as that really helps.  Maybe the two of you can get a plan together of what you need to have happen to move forward.  Peace and luck

[D_Snead35]

Honestly I never thought about like this. I was just telling my friend that I believe our issue is we both want the relationship to me the way we want it to be and thats it,we arent willing to comprimise? Y our right,of course I thinknI'm doing nothing wrong. I feel as though I'm saving myself from heart break I mean this by,maybe subconscienely I'm trying to push him away before he goes away and I get hurt. I know that I love him& I don't want to lose him but I'm going insane. Yes,yes that is absolutely why/how I feel used! I have expressed it to him,he says that is not the case(i find it hard to believe)&giving money,which is promised to be returned 10fold apond obtaining employment(which is not going good)! I am willing to look into my behaviors for my own understanding more or less the relationship, I know nothing happens over night. I am very confused I can admit that. This relationship has been a journey for these 10 months we have been back together&we are actually learning about each other because we have sure changed since we were teens. The first talk was good,but then I got to thinking and I was like really? No no this is not right,that is not right. Yes I did just drop a crazy bomb on him then tell him I love him! He hasnt called me back yet I hope when he does he has time to talk because we have much to cover& I'm sure I owe him an apology. Thank you so much for your sound advice

[Nighthawk61]

I want you to think about this because i think it's going to be a very important part of you saving your relationship.

This is what you wrote yesterday. "As you may see I've posted just today about us having a really good talk and seeing where we are both coming from(of course I'm always the bad guy), but thats ok." So , yesterday you had it all figured out, and he was satisfied that everything got straightened out with your really good talk, but one day later, you're on the phone saying "he's using you and treating you badly" Do you see how this is contradictory and confusing?

Yesterday, it was okay for you to take the blame and be the "bad guy" and today, apparently, it's not. That's the point. Passive behavior never ends well. This will happen as long as you both can stand it, and when you can't stand spinning your wheels anymore, as with anything else that doesn't change, it will end. It will cease to exist.

On the other post i talked to you about Psychology 101. Learning about Passive Aggressive Behavior and how to incorporate Assertive Behavior into the mix, so that nobody is the bad guy, and people can learn to say what they mean, and mean what they say, a precursor for real change.  You don't have to have to be in college to learn about this stuff, it's easy to look up. Now, if you had of looked it up you would realize that calling him on the phone a day after a really good talk and cold cocking him the way you did, is actually aggressive behavior, adding i love you on the end, is passive and manipulative.  

Honey, your spinning your wheels here, and if you want this to work out, then learn from the advice you're given, research the communication and psychology references, don't let it go in one ear and out the other, you can't expect change by just whining about it, taking the blame and calling it a "really good talk". Talk to other women older than you and in good solid relationships and ask about how to get REAL change happening, and talk about timing and delivery.

Bad behavior will never change without an ACTION being brought forward, in your case, talking about how to CHANGE THE COMMUNICATION STYLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP and then following through with it. So yesterday you had a talk, but you didn't talk about what action you were going to take to change the behavior. How could you expect change overnight, when you don't even live together? It's impossible. So you're in denial about the really good talk, and your confused about something changing with no actual work being put in. .

True understanding that your communication breakdown has just as much to do with your communication as his, is important stuff. Everything that is good, takes work. Are you willing to do the work? Because nothing happens overnight, with no work, right? Will you read about passive aggressive behavior and how to be assertive to save your relationship now? Will you research sarcasm and see that it's not an effective form of humor, because it's at your loved one's expense (calling them stupid, and addressing hidden anger)? Are you willing my dear to educate yourself, i guess, is what i'm asking, to keep your relationship?

[Nighthawk61]

well yeah honey, the point is that you dropped a pretty big bomb, really questioning the validity of his love for you, and gave him no time to process it, and then you expected to hear i love you. So that's pretty confusing. Timing, and delivery have everything to do with a happy ending here.

When my son got vaccinated, i got blood drawn, so he wouldn't be scared and have to face the experience alone. I made it a point of doing getting this thing done together, you and me, doing it together. Throw the man a bone, and let him know that you know that the communication in your relationship is going to get better only because you both are making a priority. You've thought about it, and read up on it, and you know that sarcasm makes him feel stupid and it's a bad habit that you've gotten into and you are going to change because you love him and you want him to always feel loved. And because of this , you think that you're just as much as fault as he is with the communication getting out of control, and you'd like to call a truce and work together and make things better between you. You can tell him that you realize that sometimes you're too serious, and you're going to work on that with a Pastor.  So you've opened up the communication by telling him that it's all not just him, that is working on change.

Frankly dear, if it were me, and i wanted to make a change in my relationship, and keep my relationship, the conversation would end right there. If you spend time together lovingly, and can hold a conversation and have him leave feeling that you communicated together with no problems, he may very well start to treat you much better and try very hard not to make you feel like you're being used.

By used, i think you mean you do all the travelling and the best time you have together, is during sex. Am I right? Is that what you mean by feeling used, and not treated well?

[D_Snead35]

You know what I did tell him I was unhappy,but it was more like" I feel like your using me&you treat me bad)with no expkanation of how he treats me bad&then yup told him I love him.

[D_Snead35]

To both of you yes you are right his children were around&he did tell me this right off the back. I guess I was being selfish and wanted his feelings on it right then&there. Guess I should wait I just felt as though it was a brush off. Oh I was just saying that I had said all that I needed to say to him(without posting ALL that I said to him)&then saying what I said to him last. Well I guess I'll just have to wait for his call to see what has to say in response? I guess I was also expecting an "I love you too"

[Nighthawk61]

I reread your post, and i have to say, i'm confused about the first part of your conversation with him. When you said "So I say all that I have say (my tone was horrible I know) but at the end I say..." What does that mean exactly, did you tell him you were unhappy with your relationship over the phone, and go into detail about it. and then said, you love him?

[Nighthawk61]

I actually would appreciate his response more, if he had more time to think about it, and didn't just shoot off an easy reply. The fact that he didn't might mean that he is looking at this as milestone, and wants you both to give it more attention, than just a quick, off the cuff response, SO, i would look at this like it was a good thing.  Always think positively, and be prepared for the worst. Right? You can handle anything girl.

[specialmom]

Yes, you should wait until he calls you back.  What if his kids were standing there, or a friend, or his mom, etc.  It might not have been a good 'time' to talk about very serious and emotional things.  

I always say to my husband when I'm ready to unload my feellings and it is deep and I want a response "is this a good time?  We can talk now or later."  And he says it is good or tells me when is better.  I go with it because frankly, some times it is hard to talk such as when our kids are hanging around me.

Picture if a girlfriend calls you while you are with him to ask you about a fight you had with him that you'd told her about earlier.  Would you just yack with her or would you say "I'll call you back".  I call my friends and husband back if it isn't an appropriate time or place to talk deep.

So, let him think about what you said and call you when he has a chance to give you his full attention.  good luck